One star? Oh hell no.

Whenever I post a new video onto Youtube, the first rating I always get is a big fat one star rating, the lowest possible rating a video can get. Within the first twenty views I've got a one star hole to work my way out of. And it happens every single time. And that first one star is always followed by mostly four or five star ratings. That means one of two things: either the first person who sees the sketch is always coincidentally the only person who hates it, or there is someone who hates me and always makes a point of starting me off with one star. The very first place I advertise my videos is in my AOL away message, so I've narrowed the culprit down to either a disgruntled subscriber or a disgruntled former friend who still religiously reads my away messages. Here's my shortlist of suspects:

Arktikphrost or Movietvlover: These people left their Youtube accounts logged in at the computer lab at school so I subscribed them to my videos. If one of them is the one that's doing this, then I completely deserve it. I shouldn't be fucking with other peoples' accounts, that's pretty uncool.

Rob ********: I didn't post the full name for legal reasons or whatever. Anyway, when I was a freshman I went on a couple dates with this girl, and this dude named Rob who was apparently in love with her adds me as a friend on facebook and started sending me strange messages on AOL. Things didn't work out with the girl, and I wrote an away message eluding to that fact. He sends me a message of condolences. I tend to complain about classes and things that happened over the course of the day in my away messages, and a couple months later he sends me a message saying that I'm a crybaby who whines all the time, that he hopes I catch a terminal disease and die, and then ended the message with the cryptic insult "you glass bitch". He had at least four AOL accounts that I know of, so there's likely a fifth or sixth that I don't know of and therefore haven't banned. For all I know he still religiously reads my away messages and waits for the newest sketch to hit with some one-star fury.

Harry Pagels: I've known my dad all my life and he seems like he'd never do something like that. The key word is seems. Remember that part in Total Recall when Quaid's taxi driver buddy turns on him? The whole movie you were like "That's a stand-up dude. He'd never fuck Quaid over. Never ever." Then he totally did. I've got my eye on you, dad. Consider yourself warned.

Roger Ebert's ghost: This is a no-brainer. Anonymous culprits are always the last person you'd expect. Roger Ebert is still alive and ghosts aren't real. The average person would never suspect someone like Roger Ebert's ghost. Unfortunately for this spectral fatty, I'm not an average person. Welcome to the list, asswipe.

You: Look at you, reading my blog. Sitting there learning how I think without telling me anything about yourself. You make the perfect enemy, and worst of all is you know it.