Comedy writing, bitching, and crying from the Gentile Golem, founder of Ron Mexico Productions. E-mail this blog to your stupid friends. Now.
Monday, September 28, 2009
Get it?
It's funny because he's short! GET IT?!?!?
....I slave over MS Paint for literally minutes, and I demand your undying appreciation!
Splosion Man
This is the titular character from the totally kickass Xbox Live Arcade game Splosion Man. You use the analog stick to move, and you press any button on the controller to explode. That's all you have to worry about with the controls. The coolest thing about the main character (besides the fact that he fucking explodes every 5 seconds) is the random-assed noises he makes. It's all gibberish, but when you hear it over and over enough times, the brain starts to rearrange the noise into real words.
My girlfriend overheard the noises once, and she asked me if Splosion Man was saying, "Lunch pussy." I started listening closely and I began to hear it. I wondered if anyone else thought Splosion Man says lunch pussy. I thought about going to the message boards on GameFAQs to ask around, but it's well-established that even hinting at the existence of human genitalia is automatic grounds for death.
So I did the logical thing: I did a Google search for "Splosion Man Lunch Pussy" to see if it drew any matches. I learned a valuable lesson: Do not run a Google search for Splosion Man Lunch Pussy. You will not like what you find. I've seen things I cannot unsee.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Don't pee on your phones
There are a lot of ways to lose or ruin a cell phone. You can leave it in a cab, you can carry it in your pocket and accidentally spill beer all over it, you can lose it at a party, you can get it stolen, you can drop it on the sidewalk and watch it shatter, you can eat a whole bunch of greasy fried chicken while tailgating outside a football game, talk on the phone, have it slip out of your greasy, disgusting fingers, and watch as it falls into the portable deep fryer, or whatever else you can think of.
There's a whole bunch of shit that can happen to phones. However, there is one method of ruining a phone that is so pathetic and so fucking bizarre that you'd never expect to personally know someone who did it even if you lived 500 years. Despite the extremely rare and insane circumstances, I know multiple people who have lost phones this way multiple times.
Full disclosure: I was in a fraternity in college. Fraternities are extremely secretive, so you may not know what I'm about to tell you. It's rare indeed that someone would ever reveal the kind of guarded information I'm about to tell you: Frat guys drink a shitload. Pause for a second while you process that revelation.
People would get mind-numbingly hammered on Jagermeister and beer and pass out on couches and floors on a more or less nightly basis. One time a particularly creative low-functioning alcoholic sat on the toilet while blackout drunk and passed out with his pants down mid-shit, but that's a story for another time. Anyways, people passing out drunk, pissing their pants, and ruining their phones by getting said piss all over them was a disturbingly common occurrence.
People who were temporarily phone-less due to showering their devices in gold would usually ask to borrow other peoples' phones. This always annoyed me because the people they called when they borrowed my phone would inevitably call back on my phone hours later, forcing me to act as secretary. When someone asked to use my phone after his third accident, I put my foot down. Causing $430 of property damage due to pissing yourself at the age of 22 is cool, but $645 is where I draw the line, dammit! Sometimes you have to set firm, harsh boundaries for the people you love.
I was thinking about all of this because last night my girlfriend told me how one of her coworkers lost a cell phone by leaving it in a cab. I brought up the urination incidents from my college days, and then I proudly proclaimed that I've never done it myself. Then I had a sudden realization: This is the kind of company I've kept. Thanks to my peers, my standards for socially acceptable behavior have been driven so low that I think not pissing all over expensive electronic devices is a laudable achievement. Holy shit.
There's a whole bunch of shit that can happen to phones. However, there is one method of ruining a phone that is so pathetic and so fucking bizarre that you'd never expect to personally know someone who did it even if you lived 500 years. Despite the extremely rare and insane circumstances, I know multiple people who have lost phones this way multiple times.
Full disclosure: I was in a fraternity in college. Fraternities are extremely secretive, so you may not know what I'm about to tell you. It's rare indeed that someone would ever reveal the kind of guarded information I'm about to tell you: Frat guys drink a shitload. Pause for a second while you process that revelation.
People would get mind-numbingly hammered on Jagermeister and beer and pass out on couches and floors on a more or less nightly basis. One time a particularly creative low-functioning alcoholic sat on the toilet while blackout drunk and passed out with his pants down mid-shit, but that's a story for another time. Anyways, people passing out drunk, pissing their pants, and ruining their phones by getting said piss all over them was a disturbingly common occurrence.
People who were temporarily phone-less due to showering their devices in gold would usually ask to borrow other peoples' phones. This always annoyed me because the people they called when they borrowed my phone would inevitably call back on my phone hours later, forcing me to act as secretary. When someone asked to use my phone after his third accident, I put my foot down. Causing $430 of property damage due to pissing yourself at the age of 22 is cool, but $645 is where I draw the line, dammit! Sometimes you have to set firm, harsh boundaries for the people you love.
I was thinking about all of this because last night my girlfriend told me how one of her coworkers lost a cell phone by leaving it in a cab. I brought up the urination incidents from my college days, and then I proudly proclaimed that I've never done it myself. Then I had a sudden realization: This is the kind of company I've kept. Thanks to my peers, my standards for socially acceptable behavior have been driven so low that I think not pissing all over expensive electronic devices is a laudable achievement. Holy shit.
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