Ask Rudy Ray Moore's Ghost

For today's post we're bringing in another guest: the late comedian Rudy Ray Moore. Sure he died a few weeks ago, but a punk-ass bitch like the Grim Reaper can't keep Rudy down. When he wasn't going on rhyming tirades about how huge his dick is, he was making bat-shit insane kung fu blaxploitation movies as Dolemite, his film and comedy alter ego.


His unique talents, if you can call them that, haven't gone unnoticed. People across the country turn to Rudy Ray Moore to solve their most pressing issues. So without further ado, we bring you our first edition of Ask Rudy Ray Moore's Ghost:


I am a 25-year old expecting father. My 23-year old wife is seven months pregnant, and while nothing excites us more than bringing our little girl into the world, she’s still afraid of the actual act of giving birth. She’s told me time and time again that the pain of actually going through with childbirth terrifies her, and she stays up all night completely unable to sleep because she can’t stop thinking about how horrible she thinks it will be. Dolemite, what can I do to calm her fears?

-Scared in Seattle

My dick is ready to attack, and it’s long like a pole,
It’s hard as a diamond, and black as coal.
I’ll fuck your wife with my dick cause it’s heavy as lead,
I’ll fuck that bitch so deep I’ll poke your little girl in the head.
My dick is seven feet wide, it’ll tear every pussy wall,
and your wife will say “a baby ain’t so painful after all”


Hey Dolemite, longtime fan. I’ve got a problem at work. It seems that no matter how hard I try, my boss never appreciates the work I do. I double, triple, and quadruple check all of my information, I deliver unbelievably thorough data in all of my reports, and I pull all-nighters just to make sure the work is done days before deadline, and my boss still complains that the work wasn’t quite good enough, or he doesn’t acknowledge me at all. I’ve never imagined I could feel so underappreciated at a workplace. How do I deal with authority figures more effectively?

-Overworked and invisible

I was on my way to the Hi-Hat to get my dick wet. Then these three cracker-ass cops try to start shit with me. I say “What do you white, born-insecure, jock-jawed, rat-suit wearin’, no business, knock-kneed, pigeon toed, non question answering, soggy cereal eatin’ motherfuckers want with Dolemite?” They tell me my birthday suit is the wrong shade of color. I beat those bitches till they were so covered with bruises that they was blacker than me.

Then I went to one of the cop’s houses. His wife was all like “What are you doing here, you ain’t my husband!” And I told her “Bitch, there ain’t no husband here, just 26 feet of hard, goooooood dick.” I fucked her in the kitchen, I fucked her in the bed, I fucked her all night till the bitch got dead. My dick’s got a tip that’s as hot as candle, and it blasts more cum than that white bitch could handle!


Rudy, I’m desperate and I’m turning to you because I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m a single mother and my 18-year old daughter was deeply in love with her 21-year old boyfriend, but apparently they had different ideas of what the relationship was because he broke up with her two months ago. My daughter was devastated and started acting out, getting in trouble with the police for vandalism, telling me to go (f-word) myself, and smoking marijuana. I tried to tell her that she has a lot of years ahead of her and a bad relationship at the age of 18 isn’t the end of the world, but she won't listen. Now she’s joining Greenpeace to get onto a dingy in the Pacific Ocean and try to sink fishing boats. I don’t want her to get wrapped up with those environmentalist nutjobs, and I know she’s doing it all over some boy, but she’s 18. She's legally an adult and I can't force her to stay with me. I’m losing my little girl. What do I do, Dolemite?

-Losing my baby

Bitch, I’ll tell you this right now: the Pacific Ocean ain’t no thang. I fucked plenty of bitches and animals in my time, and one day I realized my dick was too big for any living creature. So I went outside, pointed my finger at the ground, and said, “Mother Earth, you gon’ get fucked by DOLEMITE, MOTHERFUCKER!” Old Faithful at Yellowstone and volcanoes in Hawaii weren’t big enough, so I got into a boat, sailed it to the middle of the Pacific Ocean, unzipped my pants, and I fucked that ocean till the water turned white from my cum. I filled that ocean up with my dick like it ain’t never been filled before. A whale jumped out of the water and said, “Dolemite, no more! It’s more dick than the marine life can handle!” So I slapped it in the mouth and shouted, “Shut the fuck up, you jive-ass whale. I’ll stick my size 12 Hush Puppies up your blowhole if you interrupt me when I’m fuckin’ again!”

Now you says your loose hippie daughter’s gone out there? Dolemite gonna have to make a return trip.


Thanks, Rudy!