That dildo I own for the sake of comedy is now officially overused. It has reached its limit and I think I may need to retire it. For one thing, whipping out a dildo can only be funny so many times, and for another, it's really cruddy and nasty and it cannot be fucking cleaned. Because it's designed to be shoved up vaginas and assholes, it was a clean, sterile object. Although sterile objects are clean, they also get filthy very quickly. If you want an illustration, leave a giant load of urine in the toilet bowl for a day and see how many bacterial cultures have grown on it.
Anyways, because of that the dildo is now in a filthy, horrible state of ill repair. It's covered in dirt, black skid marks that I can't even identify, and newspaper headlines. Yes, you read that right. Here's a little fun fact about dildos that you didn't know: if you put it on a newspaper or any piece of paper with ink on it, it will pick up the ink like fucking Silly Putty. I swear to god, if you roll a dildo across a Marmaduke cartoon, the dildo will pick it up and the entire hilarious story about the rambunctious Great Dane getting her owner wet with a sprinkler will be emblazoned across the dildo clear as day. I wrote a script for a sketch and had the dildo rolled up inside the script because I didn't want anyone in public to see it, and imagine my shock when entire lines of dialogue on the page were completely smeared and printed on the dildo instead.
So yeah, it's got to go because it's disgusting, but more importantly, I realized I was scraping the bottom of the idea barrel pretty hard when I tried to train my dog to fetch and bite down on the dildo. Let me back up: I had this idea for a sketch that was just going to be me playing with my dog and having a perfect day with him. Really cheesy, happy music would play while we start by doing completely innocent activities that you would expect someone to do with a dog. Then the activities would turn darker and me and the dog would get drunk, do drugs, watch porn, etc.
I had this idea for a really fucked up shot where me and the dog would actually fight over the dildo with us having each end in our teeth. I remember seeing a really cliched shot where two dogs or a dog and a person would fight over a steak with one end in each of their mouths, and this would be a really bizarre take on that shot. Unfortunately, I could not for the life of me get that fucking dog to take any interest in the dildo. This dog will eat, tear, and chase anything you throw in its direction, but this was the one exception where he would ignore it whenever I tried to get him to fetch it or play with it or anything.
Lord knows I tried every way imaginable. The thing smells like industrial vulcanized rubber, so I thought the smell was bothering him, so I tried covering the dildo in crunched up dog food, and I tried pouring steak sauce on it to make him think of it as food and presumably bite down on it. However all he would do is sniff it and walk away. I then rememered that he loves Goldfish crackers, so I took some honey and used it to stick a bunch of Goldfish on it, and all he did in that case was lick the crackers off the dildo and then walk away.
Somewhere around there I had probably the biggest "What the FUCK am I doing right now?" moment of my life, and trust me when I tell you that I've had plenty. Sometimes when I'm coming up with or doing weird things in the name of my comedy I take pride in it. It makes me feel good that I'm stepping off the beaten path to chase my dreams. This, however, was not one of those fucking times. Screaming at strangers in the main dining area on your college campus or getting the entire photo lab covered in fake blood is cool. Feeding your dog cheese crackers off of a sticky dildo designed to enhance lesbian sex or be shoved up assholes is not.
So fear not. While the dildo makes a three second cameo in our newest sketch, from here on out I'm going to try my hardest to put this part of my comedy behind me.
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