The Five Worst Video Game Endings of All Time

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F--K You, A.J. Pierzynski

This motherfucker is A.J. Pierzynski, starting catcher for the Chicago White Sox since 2004. Just look at this asshole and tell me you don't want to freeze his balls with liquid nitrogen then hit them with a shovel so they shatter. He is notorious for being the biggest douchenozzle in all of Major League Baseball. He finished first in a Sports Illustrated poll in which they asked MLB players who they would most like to see get hit by a pitch. Even his own teammates voted for him. God, seriously, fuck this dude.

My first experience with trying to warn the world of A.J.'s fuckery resulted in me getting banned from editing Wikipedia pages. Much in the same style as the Chuck Norris facts phenomenon, I tried adding a list of facts about how A.J. Pierzynski is the biggest turd of a human being to walk this planet. Unfortunately, it took exactly 28 minutes for my public service announcements to be found, and my Wikipedia privileges were revoked. Here are some important things you need to know about this cockhugger:

-A.J. Pierzynski makes Darth Vader breathing noises under his catcher's mitt all the goddamn time and as far as he's concerned the joke still hasn't gotten old

-When other catchers squat behind the plate, place their hand in front of their crotch, and protrude various fingers, they're giving signals to the pitcher. When A.J. Pierzynski does it he's pretending that the fingers are penises. Indians slugger Grady Sizemore once recalled A.J. yelling to White Sox pitcher Mark Buehrle, "Hey Mark, look. That ain't my finger, it's a cock. Look, it's wigglin'. Aw wait, now I got three of them. That's enough for your sister, girlfriend, and momma. Oooh, ooh, what's this? Now I got five. How's my underwear fit? It fits like a glove. Get it? Get it?"

-A.J. Pierzynski makes the whacking off motion behind manager Ozzie Guillen's back whenever he talks.

-Taylor Hicks won American Idol because A.J. Pierzynski voted for him like 2 million times because, in his words, "It would be totally hilarious if the grey-haired faggot won"

-A.J. Pierzynski says that The Truman Show sucks because Jim Carrey wasn't funny in it. If you try to explain to him that it wasn't supposed to be a comedy, he'll shout "ALLLLLL-RIGHTY THEN!!!" in the worst Ace Ventura impression you've ever heard in your life.

-A.J. Pierzynski tells really tasteless jokes about September 11th, and when you don't laugh he goes, "Come on, 9/11 jokes are funny now," because apparently it isn't his fault that he's so unfunny that he has to resort to cheap shock humor, it's your fault for being a humorless stiff who thinks recent devastating tragedies aren't funny. (May or may not describe an actual stand-up comedian I saw)

-One time A.J. Pierzynski saved a little girl from drowning in a pool by taking his foot off her chest.

-The person in the famous R. Kelly sex tape wasn't R. Kelly at all, it was actually A.J. Pierzynski wearing an R. Kelly mask.

-At the 2007 White Sox team banquet, A.J. Pierzynski gave what he thought was a hilarious speech about how tight or loose he thinks his teammates' wives are.

-A.J. Pierzynski's favorite song is "Don't Stop Believing" by Journey. (NOTE: This one is actually true.)

-Here is an excerpt from A.J. Pierzynski's personal blog:

"Hey A.J. fans, I'm just writing to tell you that I support responsible birth control, and by responsible birth control I mean throwing a mean right uppercut into the stomachs of the bitches I knock up!"

-A.J. Pierzynski believes that sex with nine-year olds shouldn't be a felony because, in his words, "9 is halfway to legal age, so it should only be half a crime."

-A.J. Pierzynski will completely make up rules that favor him if you play Scrabble against him. Protest all you want, but words with four consonants will get an automatic 50 point bonus, but only when he does it, whether you like it or not.

If you gave Satan a piece of wood and a catcher's mitt, the picture at the top of this post is what you would get.

Bloopers!

Failed Sketch Ideas

I'm looking through an old notebook that I used to always carry around with me, in hopes that it would help me come up with great ideas for sketches or possibly movies. Here are some ideas that I came up with but never adapted to the filmed format, and you be the judge of how well it went.

-A sketch about two drug dealers who stab, mutilate, poison, and eventually kill themselves to prove to each other how manly they are.

-A movie about a man who steals 8 Honduran children in order to sell them on eBay. He has to take care of them for the seven days that the auction goes on, and at first he hates them, but as the auction goes on, they melt his heart and now he'll do anything to keep from having to give them to the highest bidder. It's kind of a morally bankrupt version of Big Daddy. Actually, scratch that. Big Daddy was already pretty fucking morally bankrupt. Okay, it's a disturbingly similar film to Big Daddy.

-A sketch about what people from Ohio call common objects. I came up with it because they call the game where you throw the bag into a hole "cornhole," which means "prison rape" to the rest of the country. I would just ask Ohio residents what they call stuff. Unfortunately, referring to nails as "Christ fasteners" was the only joke I could come up with.

-A professor talking about his quest to save some sort of awful screaming obnoxious bat from extinction that has all types of wacky traits. The people at the banquet fundraiser ultimately decide that they'd rather have it be extinct.

-A sketch about a guy who makes a living by tricking people with Alzheimers into thinking that they need to buy Werewolf repellant from him for $200 a bottle. This idea never got very far into development. Even I have some sense of morality when it comes to comedy.

-A guy tries to convince his friend to pick up a piece of paper left on the road so that he'll bend over and be in a position where he's ready to receive anal sex

-Recording a commentary track for some sort of video that wouldn't normally be released on a DVD with special features, such as a snuff film or a police interrogation video. (Fuck, that one's actually a decent idea. To everyone who reads my blog, and by that I mean Dad, don't steal that one)

-A scene where some guys are playing frisbee on a beach, and a group of seagulls poop all over them. (What the fuck????)

-A news report where people are visited by their future selves who appear to be giving them urgent advice but are actually just going back in time to sexually assault their past selves. (Shit, this one isn't bad either)

-For some reason on the last page I wrote, "Do a 'We're filming a comedy sketch' sketch. And do that thing about grillin' burgers."

I wish I could say I learned something from this experience, but no, I totally didn't. I thought I might have improved as a comedy writer in the two years since I filled out that notebook, but I really haven't. That's still pretty much exactly what my current creative process looks like. At least now the next time you ask me if I can come up with anything better than a guy fucking a stuffed gorilla, you know for a fact the answer is no.