Failed Sketch Ideas

I'm looking through an old notebook that I used to always carry around with me, in hopes that it would help me come up with great ideas for sketches or possibly movies. Here are some ideas that I came up with but never adapted to the filmed format, and you be the judge of how well it went.

-A sketch about two drug dealers who stab, mutilate, poison, and eventually kill themselves to prove to each other how manly they are.

-A movie about a man who steals 8 Honduran children in order to sell them on eBay. He has to take care of them for the seven days that the auction goes on, and at first he hates them, but as the auction goes on, they melt his heart and now he'll do anything to keep from having to give them to the highest bidder. It's kind of a morally bankrupt version of Big Daddy. Actually, scratch that. Big Daddy was already pretty fucking morally bankrupt. Okay, it's a disturbingly similar film to Big Daddy.

-A sketch about what people from Ohio call common objects. I came up with it because they call the game where you throw the bag into a hole "cornhole," which means "prison rape" to the rest of the country. I would just ask Ohio residents what they call stuff. Unfortunately, referring to nails as "Christ fasteners" was the only joke I could come up with.

-A professor talking about his quest to save some sort of awful screaming obnoxious bat from extinction that has all types of wacky traits. The people at the banquet fundraiser ultimately decide that they'd rather have it be extinct.

-A sketch about a guy who makes a living by tricking people with Alzheimers into thinking that they need to buy Werewolf repellant from him for $200 a bottle. This idea never got very far into development. Even I have some sense of morality when it comes to comedy.

-A guy tries to convince his friend to pick up a piece of paper left on the road so that he'll bend over and be in a position where he's ready to receive anal sex

-Recording a commentary track for some sort of video that wouldn't normally be released on a DVD with special features, such as a snuff film or a police interrogation video. (Fuck, that one's actually a decent idea. To everyone who reads my blog, and by that I mean Dad, don't steal that one)

-A scene where some guys are playing frisbee on a beach, and a group of seagulls poop all over them. (What the fuck????)

-A news report where people are visited by their future selves who appear to be giving them urgent advice but are actually just going back in time to sexually assault their past selves. (Shit, this one isn't bad either)

-For some reason on the last page I wrote, "Do a 'We're filming a comedy sketch' sketch. And do that thing about grillin' burgers."

I wish I could say I learned something from this experience, but no, I totally didn't. I thought I might have improved as a comedy writer in the two years since I filled out that notebook, but I really haven't. That's still pretty much exactly what my current creative process looks like. At least now the next time you ask me if I can come up with anything better than a guy fucking a stuffed gorilla, you know for a fact the answer is no.