F--K You, A.J. Pierzynski

This motherfucker is A.J. Pierzynski, starting catcher for the Chicago White Sox since 2004. Just look at this asshole and tell me you don't want to freeze his balls with liquid nitrogen then hit them with a shovel so they shatter. He is notorious for being the biggest douchenozzle in all of Major League Baseball. He finished first in a Sports Illustrated poll in which they asked MLB players who they would most like to see get hit by a pitch. Even his own teammates voted for him. God, seriously, fuck this dude.

My first experience with trying to warn the world of A.J.'s fuckery resulted in me getting banned from editing Wikipedia pages. Much in the same style as the Chuck Norris facts phenomenon, I tried adding a list of facts about how A.J. Pierzynski is the biggest turd of a human being to walk this planet. Unfortunately, it took exactly 28 minutes for my public service announcements to be found, and my Wikipedia privileges were revoked. Here are some important things you need to know about this cockhugger:

-A.J. Pierzynski makes Darth Vader breathing noises under his catcher's mitt all the goddamn time and as far as he's concerned the joke still hasn't gotten old

-When other catchers squat behind the plate, place their hand in front of their crotch, and protrude various fingers, they're giving signals to the pitcher. When A.J. Pierzynski does it he's pretending that the fingers are penises. Indians slugger Grady Sizemore once recalled A.J. yelling to White Sox pitcher Mark Buehrle, "Hey Mark, look. That ain't my finger, it's a cock. Look, it's wigglin'. Aw wait, now I got three of them. That's enough for your sister, girlfriend, and momma. Oooh, ooh, what's this? Now I got five. How's my underwear fit? It fits like a glove. Get it? Get it?"

-A.J. Pierzynski makes the whacking off motion behind manager Ozzie Guillen's back whenever he talks.

-Taylor Hicks won American Idol because A.J. Pierzynski voted for him like 2 million times because, in his words, "It would be totally hilarious if the grey-haired faggot won"

-A.J. Pierzynski says that The Truman Show sucks because Jim Carrey wasn't funny in it. If you try to explain to him that it wasn't supposed to be a comedy, he'll shout "ALLLLLL-RIGHTY THEN!!!" in the worst Ace Ventura impression you've ever heard in your life.

-A.J. Pierzynski tells really tasteless jokes about September 11th, and when you don't laugh he goes, "Come on, 9/11 jokes are funny now," because apparently it isn't his fault that he's so unfunny that he has to resort to cheap shock humor, it's your fault for being a humorless stiff who thinks recent devastating tragedies aren't funny. (May or may not describe an actual stand-up comedian I saw)

-One time A.J. Pierzynski saved a little girl from drowning in a pool by taking his foot off her chest.

-The person in the famous R. Kelly sex tape wasn't R. Kelly at all, it was actually A.J. Pierzynski wearing an R. Kelly mask.

-At the 2007 White Sox team banquet, A.J. Pierzynski gave what he thought was a hilarious speech about how tight or loose he thinks his teammates' wives are.

-A.J. Pierzynski's favorite song is "Don't Stop Believing" by Journey. (NOTE: This one is actually true.)

-Here is an excerpt from A.J. Pierzynski's personal blog:

"Hey A.J. fans, I'm just writing to tell you that I support responsible birth control, and by responsible birth control I mean throwing a mean right uppercut into the stomachs of the bitches I knock up!"

-A.J. Pierzynski believes that sex with nine-year olds shouldn't be a felony because, in his words, "9 is halfway to legal age, so it should only be half a crime."

-A.J. Pierzynski will completely make up rules that favor him if you play Scrabble against him. Protest all you want, but words with four consonants will get an automatic 50 point bonus, but only when he does it, whether you like it or not.

If you gave Satan a piece of wood and a catcher's mitt, the picture at the top of this post is what you would get.