Adam Vinatieri mixtape

I've noticed a phenomenon where nearly all athlete highlight reels and tributes on Youtube are set to angry rap songs. It's fitting enough for videos of halfbacks running people over, linebackers completely fucking shit up, or a basketball player slam dunking in the helpless faces of smaller, whiter defenders, but it doesn't work for everything sports-related. For example, it wouldn't really work to set Shawn Johnson's pommelhorse routine to a militant Public Enemy ballad, and it would probably be just a bit silly to set a record-breaking swim by Michael Phelps to an Eminem song about killing his wife.

Even though angry rap songs clearly aren't magical potions that you can add to any sports video editing stew to create something pulse-pounding and awesome, some people still try their damndest to insert them into places where they clearly don't belong, like a mentally challenged 8-year old jamming a third Cheez Doodle into his nose. The phenomenon is so prevalent that Deadspin has an occasional feature called Incongruous Athlete Mix-Tape Theater. It's thanks to that feature that I've been treated to this gem:



There's certainly nothing wrong with making a highlight reel calling attention to the work of Gordon Hayward. He isn't a flashy slam dunk machine, but I appreciate a white guy contributing to the game with solid fundamentals, proper shooting form, and hustle as much as any racist sports journalist, but the whole production reaches an almost sublime level of stupidity when you have footage of a dude shooting free throws set to Straight Outta Compton by NWA.

I took this as a challenge. A few nights ago I loaded up my video editing software with one humble goal in mind: to create the worst video tribute to an athlete ever made. Faithful reader, I believe I have succeeded. The only athlete I could think of that's even less deserving on an angry rap tribute than a player like Gordon Hayward is a kicker. They are not real athletes, and they earn seven-figure incomes to participate in roughly six plays a game. I grabbed some footage, pictures, and interviews with Adam Vinatieri and set about making my masterpiece. The most insane and angry rap song I could find was "X is Coming" by DMX, off of his album It's Dark and Hell is Hot. It's a charming little ditty about DMX coming to a man's house, killing his wife, and then forcing him to watch DMX do terrible things to his 15-year old daughter before finally killing him.

But I didn't want to terribleness to end with merely setting inappropriate music to field goal kicks. That's why I decided to include random photos and a banal postgame interview over the hook. There's also only three actual kicks shown over the course of the video. Eat your fucking heart out, Gordon Hayward. Behold the worst highlight reel ever made. Honestly, don't watch it. You will lose IQ points like a sumbitch.



I really have no reason to be proud of this.

Forbes' 16 best fanbases in sports

Earlier this week, Forbes released a list of the 16 best fanbases in sports. According to them, they determined which teams were worthy of this list by three measurements: home and away game attendance, merchandise sales, and in-market popularity. I'm not surprised that a classy, business-oriented outfit like Forbes would have this kind of criteria. Unfortunately, I am not Forbes Magazine. I rate how good a fanbase is on factors like not being an unbelievably obnoxious cock, not denying a team's existence during a losing season, and not making me want to choke you whenever I look at you. That's why I take issue with nearly every fanbase on this list being considered among the best in sports. Let's take a closer look...

1. Boston Red Sox - They're obnoxiously self-important to the point of making me want to slit my wrists. Nobody's happy for you when you win, because we'd all rather see our own teams win. Get that through your thick, racist skulls. Fuck your curse. I've got a novel idea for you: maybe part of the reason why you went so long without a championship is because you didn't let any black people play for the team until 1960. Willie Mays tried out for the team in the 50's, but he was rejected because he was black. Do you think one of the five greatest players of all time might have helped a little?

2. Pittsburgh Steelers - Bandwagoners, all of you. The reason why Steelers fans are all across the country is because half the population of Pittsburgh fled the city to escape crippling economic depression. Thanks for sharing your sadness with me, Pittsburgh.

3. Detroit Red Wings - What is a hockey team doing on a list of major sports teams?

4. Indianapolis Colts - I'm a Colts fan and being a member of this fanbase embarrasses me. Just try to find any Manning-worshiping NFL analysis on the internet written by a Colts fan without punching your monitor three sentences in. I agree that Peyton Manning is the best quarterback in the NFL, but I'm don't think he died for my sins.

5. New England Patriots - Smug, arrogant, obnoxious, insufferable, and bandwagoners to boot. The worst fanbase in all of sports and the worst human beings to ever draw breath.

6. Pittsburgh Penguins - So far this list is 33% hockey. Don't the Forbes people get that the NHL is a money hemorrhaging disaster that's only posing as a sports league?

7. Boston Celtics - What's worse? Watching them cheer for the gang of mercenaries they brought in for a championship, or seeing them cry for sympathy and act like they're a bunch of hard luck underdogs through the 90's and most of the 00's despite having more championships than any other team.

8. San Antonio Spurs - I don't know any Spurs fans, but I do know that based on before and after pictures of Eva Longoria with and without makeup, I'm pretty sure I could look like a hot chick if I had three hours with a professional stylist.

9. Dallas Cowboys - Oh fuck off.

10. St. Louis Cardinals - I hate the city of St. Louis and the Cardinals, but the fans actually don't seem that terrible.

11. Montreal Canadiens - Fake sport and country

12. Los Angeles Lakers - When you riot and destroy the city over a sports team winning a game, it really takes away from the impact and meaning when the people of LA riot over issues that actually matter. After Rodney King I found myself thinking, "Man, this puts a spotlight on serious issues that we'd rather sweep under the rug then actually face," but after the latest championship riots I found myself thinking, "Man, these fuckers just like to break shit."

13. Cleveland Cavaliers - I'm sure the city's enthusiasm for basketball will be the exact same next season as it was last season

14. New York Yankees - If you live outside of New York, you're guaranteed to have at least one friend who's a Yankees fan despite never setting foot in the state of New York. When you confront them for being a bandwagoner of a team that buys championships, they'll seriously try to argue that having $200 million of payroll doesn't help them that much, if at all. They'll usually mention three players that they drafted and developed themselves, completely failing to notice that having enough money to retain those players when they become worth $20 million a year still kinda qualifies as having an advantage.

15. Philadelphia Phillies - Philadelphia sports fans drink the blood of children

16. Chicago Black Hawks - I grew up in Chicago sports country and I was in town for the Stanley Cup finals, and I assure you that nobody there had a goddamn clue that Chicago even had a professional hockey team until May 29th.

So there you have it. The most notoriously bandwagoning fanbases in all of sports are honored, and the Blackhawks are more widely supported and beloved in Chicago than the Cubs. Editors of Forbes magazine, instead of crunching the numbers and reading surveys, how about you get out and talk to people to get a real sense of who the best fans are.

Gender-Based Dodgeball

Last night I went with some friends from work to a goth bar in downtown Cincinnati. The place was weird and clearly not my scene, but for the most part the experience was way less miserable than expected. However, I did get a chance to prove my theory that no matter how innocent or non-malicious my actions are, I spread misery and pain to everything I touch. I'm kind of like King Midas, only I turn things I touch into shit instead of gold.

One of the surprisingly cool features of this place is a beach volleyball court. My group was considering playing, but the DJ abruptly decided to organize an on-the-fly dodgeball game in the sand using the soft volleyballs as the weapons. To make the game more interesting, he pitted the men against the women. Roughly 15 women lined up against 9 guys. The DJ thought the women outnumbering the men would make the match even, but the men completely dominating in the first two matches proved that a few more bodies doesn't exactly make up for the fact that a vast majority of women are very small and they suck at throwing things.

In the third and final game, the DJ split up the men and women 50-50 to try to create an even playing field. As the game began, a strong-looking guy pulled his arm back and let loose a bafflingly softly thrown ball in my direction. I easily caught it and went on the offensive. I tried to fake out the opposition by staring an opponent directly in the face and throwing the ball at someone else. I employed this strategy with a pretty good degree of success. Whenever I flex my muscles people laugh their asses off at the toothpicks that I'm trying to pass off as biceps, but for whatever reason I generate a good amount of force when I throw shit.

My surprisingly forceful semi-blindly thrown attacks took out a few women on the other team. My friends taunted me for going after the girls, so I aimed my next throw for a guy who was standing out in the open while his girlfriend hid behind him for protection. I brought my arm back and whipped a rocket at his chest. At the last second he jumped out of the way and my throw absolutely drilled the girl who was originally behind him in the head. Chest level for the boyfriend was equivalent to head level for her. She left the field of play crying and the hundred or so people who witnessed it called me a monster for what I did.

Clearly I did nothing wrong here. I felt terrible after delivering the hit and I immediately ran over to the girl to apologize, but I did nothing wrong. The guy deserves most of the blame for doing such a shitty, cowardly job of protecting his woman, and if the girl is the type of person who cries after getting hit with a volleyball, she probably shouldn't have joined the fucking game in the first place.

But that didn't matter. Regardless of the facts, I was the monstrous asshole who drilled a poor, defenseless girl in the head on purpose. I had friends pretend they didn't know me. I was genuinely worried that someone would follow me out to my car and kick my ass. The boyfriend sure as hell wasn't going to do it because he brazenly displayed what a fucking pussy he is, but he could have sicked his friends on me.

In the end, that one bad moment didn't define the whole night, I had a decent time, and the girl forgave me when I apologized to her, but there's something to be said when my actions while attempting to have some innocent fun managed to completely shock, outrage, and piss off an entire freaky goth bar. Being nonchalant and not reacting strongly to things is one of the defining traits of a goth for Christ's sake. I have a gift for shitting all over things without even trying. It's not a very desirable talent, but it's a talent nonetheless.

Which high costs the most?

We all know that life sucks, and the way we cope with that is to get high on something or other. Unfortunately, many of us are upset because we're poor, and that means getting fucked up on a budget. Maybe we wouldn't be poor if we worked and saved what what we earn instead of wasting all of our money and time on getting fucked up, but I'm not here to offer rational solutions. I'm here to give you a cost analysis of all of the major types of highs so you know which ones are the most and least affordable.

Cocaine

Cost of an 8-ball: $175
Cost to replace the glass coffee table you smashed your fist into: $149.99
Total cost: $324.99

Heroin

Cost of a single dose of quality heroin: $25
Cost of another dose 4 hours later: $25
Cost of another dose 3 hours later: $25
Cost of another dose 75 minutes later: $25
Cost of another dose 40 minutes later: $25
Cost of another dose 15 minutes later: $25
Cost of another dose 1 minute later: $25
Cost of five doses simultaneously stuck into two arms, two feet, and your ass: $125
Total cost: $300

Marijuana

Cost of an ounce of really good pot: $400 (Seriously? Where do they get the money for this shit?)
Cost of a shitload of Taco Bell: $7
Total cost: $407

Miller High Life

Cost of a 12-pack of Miller High Life: $7.99
Cost of 12 rolls of toilet paper to deal with the unbelievable amount of shitting you'll be doing in the morning: $10.19
Cost of air freshener to mask the mythically inhuman quantity of painful, booming farts you'll be ripping the entire next day: $4
Cost of a plunger when your bloody diarrhea that still won't go away after three days clogs the toilet: $7.99
Co-pay for an appointment with the doctor because you're beginning to fear that you've developed a serious medical problem: $20
Cost of topical anesthetic to treat potential anal fissures: $16.50
Cost of stool softener: $6.99
Price of corrective surgery because your shitty health insurance won't cover a lateral sphincterotomy: $1,244

Total cost: $1,317.66

Here are the final rankings, listed from cheapest to most expensive:

1. Heroin
2. Cocaine
3. Marijuana
4. Miller High Life

As you can see, if you're absolutely strapped for cash, you should only use heroin, if you're willing to open up your budget a little more you can move on to cocaine and marijuana, and you should only resort to drinking Miller High Life if you have an incredibly high amount of disposable income. Thank you for your time.