Which high costs the most?

We all know that life sucks, and the way we cope with that is to get high on something or other. Unfortunately, many of us are upset because we're poor, and that means getting fucked up on a budget. Maybe we wouldn't be poor if we worked and saved what what we earn instead of wasting all of our money and time on getting fucked up, but I'm not here to offer rational solutions. I'm here to give you a cost analysis of all of the major types of highs so you know which ones are the most and least affordable.

Cocaine

Cost of an 8-ball: $175
Cost to replace the glass coffee table you smashed your fist into: $149.99
Total cost: $324.99

Heroin

Cost of a single dose of quality heroin: $25
Cost of another dose 4 hours later: $25
Cost of another dose 3 hours later: $25
Cost of another dose 75 minutes later: $25
Cost of another dose 40 minutes later: $25
Cost of another dose 15 minutes later: $25
Cost of another dose 1 minute later: $25
Cost of five doses simultaneously stuck into two arms, two feet, and your ass: $125
Total cost: $300

Marijuana

Cost of an ounce of really good pot: $400 (Seriously? Where do they get the money for this shit?)
Cost of a shitload of Taco Bell: $7
Total cost: $407

Miller High Life

Cost of a 12-pack of Miller High Life: $7.99
Cost of 12 rolls of toilet paper to deal with the unbelievable amount of shitting you'll be doing in the morning: $10.19
Cost of air freshener to mask the mythically inhuman quantity of painful, booming farts you'll be ripping the entire next day: $4
Cost of a plunger when your bloody diarrhea that still won't go away after three days clogs the toilet: $7.99
Co-pay for an appointment with the doctor because you're beginning to fear that you've developed a serious medical problem: $20
Cost of topical anesthetic to treat potential anal fissures: $16.50
Cost of stool softener: $6.99
Price of corrective surgery because your shitty health insurance won't cover a lateral sphincterotomy: $1,244

Total cost: $1,317.66

Here are the final rankings, listed from cheapest to most expensive:

1. Heroin
2. Cocaine
3. Marijuana
4. Miller High Life

As you can see, if you're absolutely strapped for cash, you should only use heroin, if you're willing to open up your budget a little more you can move on to cocaine and marijuana, and you should only resort to drinking Miller High Life if you have an incredibly high amount of disposable income. Thank you for your time.