Forbes' 16 best fanbases in sports

Earlier this week, Forbes released a list of the 16 best fanbases in sports. According to them, they determined which teams were worthy of this list by three measurements: home and away game attendance, merchandise sales, and in-market popularity. I'm not surprised that a classy, business-oriented outfit like Forbes would have this kind of criteria. Unfortunately, I am not Forbes Magazine. I rate how good a fanbase is on factors like not being an unbelievably obnoxious cock, not denying a team's existence during a losing season, and not making me want to choke you whenever I look at you. That's why I take issue with nearly every fanbase on this list being considered among the best in sports. Let's take a closer look...

1. Boston Red Sox - They're obnoxiously self-important to the point of making me want to slit my wrists. Nobody's happy for you when you win, because we'd all rather see our own teams win. Get that through your thick, racist skulls. Fuck your curse. I've got a novel idea for you: maybe part of the reason why you went so long without a championship is because you didn't let any black people play for the team until 1960. Willie Mays tried out for the team in the 50's, but he was rejected because he was black. Do you think one of the five greatest players of all time might have helped a little?

2. Pittsburgh Steelers - Bandwagoners, all of you. The reason why Steelers fans are all across the country is because half the population of Pittsburgh fled the city to escape crippling economic depression. Thanks for sharing your sadness with me, Pittsburgh.

3. Detroit Red Wings - What is a hockey team doing on a list of major sports teams?

4. Indianapolis Colts - I'm a Colts fan and being a member of this fanbase embarrasses me. Just try to find any Manning-worshiping NFL analysis on the internet written by a Colts fan without punching your monitor three sentences in. I agree that Peyton Manning is the best quarterback in the NFL, but I'm don't think he died for my sins.

5. New England Patriots - Smug, arrogant, obnoxious, insufferable, and bandwagoners to boot. The worst fanbase in all of sports and the worst human beings to ever draw breath.

6. Pittsburgh Penguins - So far this list is 33% hockey. Don't the Forbes people get that the NHL is a money hemorrhaging disaster that's only posing as a sports league?

7. Boston Celtics - What's worse? Watching them cheer for the gang of mercenaries they brought in for a championship, or seeing them cry for sympathy and act like they're a bunch of hard luck underdogs through the 90's and most of the 00's despite having more championships than any other team.

8. San Antonio Spurs - I don't know any Spurs fans, but I do know that based on before and after pictures of Eva Longoria with and without makeup, I'm pretty sure I could look like a hot chick if I had three hours with a professional stylist.

9. Dallas Cowboys - Oh fuck off.

10. St. Louis Cardinals - I hate the city of St. Louis and the Cardinals, but the fans actually don't seem that terrible.

11. Montreal Canadiens - Fake sport and country

12. Los Angeles Lakers - When you riot and destroy the city over a sports team winning a game, it really takes away from the impact and meaning when the people of LA riot over issues that actually matter. After Rodney King I found myself thinking, "Man, this puts a spotlight on serious issues that we'd rather sweep under the rug then actually face," but after the latest championship riots I found myself thinking, "Man, these fuckers just like to break shit."

13. Cleveland Cavaliers - I'm sure the city's enthusiasm for basketball will be the exact same next season as it was last season

14. New York Yankees - If you live outside of New York, you're guaranteed to have at least one friend who's a Yankees fan despite never setting foot in the state of New York. When you confront them for being a bandwagoner of a team that buys championships, they'll seriously try to argue that having $200 million of payroll doesn't help them that much, if at all. They'll usually mention three players that they drafted and developed themselves, completely failing to notice that having enough money to retain those players when they become worth $20 million a year still kinda qualifies as having an advantage.

15. Philadelphia Phillies - Philadelphia sports fans drink the blood of children

16. Chicago Black Hawks - I grew up in Chicago sports country and I was in town for the Stanley Cup finals, and I assure you that nobody there had a goddamn clue that Chicago even had a professional hockey team until May 29th.

So there you have it. The most notoriously bandwagoning fanbases in all of sports are honored, and the Blackhawks are more widely supported and beloved in Chicago than the Cubs. Editors of Forbes magazine, instead of crunching the numbers and reading surveys, how about you get out and talk to people to get a real sense of who the best fans are.