Cross-Country Part 1

Right here we're looking at the first part of Cross-Country, the first ever short film from Ron Mexico Productions. The main plotline of this movie was semi-autobiographical because I'm at that point of my life where I'm reaching the very end of college and on the one hand all I want to do is pursue comedy 24/7, but financial necessity is pressuring me to get out there and look for a "real" job. I want to go to New York and try to make it in television, but everyone is telling me the responsible thing to do is stay closer to home, get a job, and save up enough money to go to New York someday. The problem is there's no such thing as saving up enough money to move on someday. Indianapolis and Cincinnati aren't pit stops on the course of life, and I feel like waking up some day 40 years old and still in Indianapolis feels like an inevitability if I don't get far away right now.

Well that was too much seriousness. Anyways, for the first scene I thought it would be a good idea to lay Boyer down and just try to dump enough beer cans on top of him to hide him. After getting him covered in week-old beer that didn't evaporate from the cans like I thought they would and dropping a few bottles on him, we decided the lame towel trick was a better way to go. There's not really much to say about the scene where we play Monopoly unless interminably long dialog where not much happens is really interesting to you. Go rent a Kevin Smith DVD, weirdo.

What follows is a sequence that is essentially a rehash of Smoke Stoppers. When we made the sketches, Shane, Carter, and Peters were basically playing themselves, so I thought I'd stop pretending that they're imaginary characters and just refer to them by their real names in the movie. The scene is probably funny to people who have never seen Smoke Stoppers (or as the marketing geniuses at College Humor call it, "College Students Face Mortality" Ugh.), but people who have seen my other work probably find it very tame by comparison. This is because I turned this in for class, and while I stretch the boundaries for what is acceptable to be turned in for class, shitting in a girl's vagina is a line that not even I'm ready to cross.

The first part of this ends with a phone conversation between me and Shane. Although this scene is funny, it's also the one where anyone who watches the movie suddenly plays the role of cinematic expert. So here's the deal: I know there's only one person in the car for the shots of the car driving, I know the "tunnel" the car drives into is actually just a bridge in downtown Muncie, I know the car isn't really moving during my scene, and I know I'm not really inside a tunnel and I just shot those in-tunnel scenes at night. Delaware County doesn't have a lot of tunnels and I didn't have thousands of dollars to rent a camera rig that allows me to film inside the window of a moving car. Congratulatu-fucking-lations, you win the award for noticing obvious things.

A Friendly Message from Danica Patrick

Hey y'all! It's me, Danica Patrick, everyone's favorite IndyCar driver. I'm just coming here to let you all know that despite getting eliminated from the Indy 500 and finishin' in 22nd place, I'm still the real deal. I'm a real driver, not just some media celebrity, so let me make it clear that I want to be seen as a regular driver and not just a female driver. I'm here to race cars, not sell my body.


What? Why are you lookin' at me like that? It's real humid in here and I have to unzip my racing suit a little bit to let in some air. Now where was I? Oh yeah, I just want to reiterate again: I don't want you people out there to see me as a sex symbol. I'm a driver. Gasoline runs through my veins, and that's all that matters to me.


You see how important drivin' is to me? I took some time out from this address just to check my rear view mirror. I'm just sick and tired of all this criticism I'm hearin' from people who say that the only reason I'm getting endorsement deals and all of the media attention is because of my body. That's just a load of bull. I've amassed one career win in only four years of racing. Let me assure you, I am a top-notch driver, and I'm the real deal.

There's nothin' I love more than cars. With this pose I'm not sayin' that I'm a hypocritical redneck bitch and when I claim that I don't like getting extra media attention for being attractive I'm so full of shit that you could kick me in the stomach and have a crap fountain fly out of both orifices. I'm saying that these are my wheels, so step off. I will guard them with my life. And my vagina.

Hoo boy, all this defendin' of my character is making me tired. I need to just go 'head and take a rest. I sure am tuckered out right now. You're probably thinkin' that media whores like me and Anna Kournikova are single-handedly destroying any respectability that females in sports could ever hope to gain. I would give my perfectly toned legs to convince you otherwise.

Y'all just make me so angry that going out to the beach to get some rays in this completely casual pose that is most definitely not expertly constructed to invite masturbation is the only way I can unwind. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna get behind the wheel of my car in some completely casual attire, because drivin' is truly the only thing I care about.

Later!

Cross-Country!

And now I would like to unveil to you the world premiere of a first for Ron Mexico Productions: a 27-minute short film. I haven't been doing much in the way of sketches as of late and that's partly due to laziness, partly because I have been brain-meltingly busy with schoolwork, and partly because I had been putting a lot of work into this project.

What we have here is a fun little road trip comedy with kind of a Bill and Ted vibe. David who has only appeared in one other sketch plays the main role because I think he's one of the better actors I've worked with (that still isn't saying much) and he's very cooperative and willing to do what need to be done to make a scene funny. I cast myself as the best friend because the character is pretty much identical to how I am in real life. James makes his Ron Mexico Productions debut in a convincing performance as the Crazy Drifter, and Peters, Carter, and Shane reprise their roles in Smoke Stoppers. Regular viewers of my stuff will probably notice that two of my old sketches end up appearing in this film pretty much verbatim.

When I was writing this project I knew that a 27-minute short film broken up into four parts was pretty much guaranteed to get little to no attention from a Youtube audience, but that's not really what I was aiming for. I've specialized in extremely filthy dialog and situations that are funny in very small doses and I wanted to see if I could make something that sustains some semblance of comedic energy over a longer period of time. It also broadens my comedic horizons and gives me something that I can someday adapt into a television show or feature film. I'm not sure exactly how I'll use it in the future, but I do know that the response from people who have seen it has been overwhelmingly positive. I turned it in as my final project for a video production class and it managed to bump my overall grade from an F to a B-, which is a good sign. I'll offer my commentary on each of the four individual sections in later posts, but for now, here is the short film in its entirety. Enjoy!

Ayo Technology

[50 Cent grabs his cell phone and dials a number]

50: Ayo Technology!



Technology: Fiddy, what's up?

50: Ayo Technology, I just got to say I think you been advancin' at a much too rapid rate 'n shit.

Technology: What are you talking about?

50: It's some scurry shit up in here. Mothafucka, have you ever heard of Big Brother?

Technology: I'm familiar with the idea.

50: Man, the government is gonna have it so that they can watch you like all the time.

Technology: Don't you think you're being a bit paranoid?

50: Man, I'm like FUCK THAT SHIT! Yo government motherfuckers, if you're listening, I just wanna say fuck you and quit gettin' in my shit. Man, they're gonna be watching me in the shower. I don't want no gay-ass government checkin' out my dick.

Technology: I don't think the government wants to check out your dick.

50: I'll bet the government ain't even got a camera that can get my whole dick in the frame. You gonna need some fuckin' IMAX widescreen shit if you wanna catch the whole scope of Little Fiddy.

Technology: I'm really not comfortable with this conversation. Why did you call me?

50: Here's the deal: I don't want no more technology. None of it.

Technology: You want all technology to disappear. How will people do anything?

50: Man, I want everything to go back to caveman times. You want money to go to McDonald's you're gonna have to stab it outta somebody with some type of primitive Mesozoic era huntin' tool or a big rock or some shit.

Technology: If there was no technology there wouldn't be any McDonald's to eat. Aside from that, are you saying that you want all of the amazing medical advances of recent years to completely disappear too?

50: THE FUCK YOU THINK I NEED MEDIAL TECHNOLOGY FO'? I'M BULLETPROOF, NIGGA! THEY EVEN NAMED A VIDEO GAME AFTER IT!!! I SURVIVED GETTIN' SHOT 8 TIMES!! AFTER THEY GET RID OF ALL TECHNOLOGY EVERYBODY GONNA HAVE TO PLAY MY GAME TO KNOW HOW BULLETPROOF I AM!!


Technology: Do I even have to tell you that there would be no Playstation 2 if there was no technology? Aside from that, the reason you survived getting shot so many times was because of medical technology.

50: BULLETPROOF, MOTHERFUCKA!!!! BULLETPROOF!!!!!!

Technology: Fiddy, I'm an intangible concept. Are you really suggesting that I just completely stop existing?

50: It's about fuckin' time you start speakin' my language. I want you and every human advancement you've ever ushered in to get the fuck out. I want the world to return to the time of 10,000 BC where sabre-toothed tigers was up in everybody's shit and the cave people were out buttfuckin' each other all the time and ain't nobody cared. Are you gonna help me or not?

[Technology considers its options for a minute]

Technology: I'll do it if you give me a really awesome piece of bling.

50: Name it.

Technology: I want a diamond and emerald encrusted skull of a deceased former U.S. President.

50: Which one?

Technology: Grant

50: Sheeee-it bitch, that's only gonna leave me with Zachary Taylor, Franklin Pierce, and Martin Van Buren. What ho's gonna want to fuck me 'cause I got the blinged out skull of Martin Van Buren?

Technology: Fiddy, a deal's a deal

50: Fine.

[50 hands over the skull]

Technology: Later

50: Later

[All technology, and more importantly, the Ron Mexico Productions blog, abruptly disappear]

Happy couples are obnoxious

I fucking hate happy couples. Two people who are the happiest that they've ever been and just can't get enough of being with each other are really about as annoying as human beings can get. If you know me you're probably thinking, "But Cody, you're in a happy couple!!! What gives?!?" For one thing, you need to cut down on your punctuation. For another, as a person in a happy couple, I annoy the shit out of myself sometimes. To try to help these Romeos who have allowed their love to turn them into overemotional shells of their former selves, I'm going to examine actual declarations of love found on the Facebook walls of people that I know and offer perfectly acceptable alternatives to their melodramatic ways.

#1: "hey babe i wanted to say i love you like a fat kid loves cake!!!!"

This was written by one of my fraternity brothers to his girlfriend. In case you couldn't figure out the main idea behind the statement, it is that he loves her a lot. Fat kids are known for enjoying delicious unhealthy foods, and to love her even more than that is certainly saying a lot. Four exclamation points really get the point across as well. What's distressing about this comparison is the way that fat kids love cake. They don't want to passionately love a cake and be with it for years. They want to furiously eat the cake and have another as soon as possible. What initially appears to be a cute and humorous declaration of love is actually declaring, "hey babe i wanted to say i want to sexually have my way with you, never see you again, and fuck many more women as soon as possible!!!!" How disturbing. If you're going to compare your love to a fat kid, compare it to something that will be with the fat kid forever.

Ron Mexico Productions approved alternative line: "I want to be with you for the rest of my life like the Type 1 diabetes of a fat kid who ate too much cake."

#2: It's that big day and all I have to say is thank you for the best year of my life. I love you!

This line is particularly humiliating because I wrote it to my girlfriend on our one year anniversary. Oh my god, what the fuck was I thinking? The worst part of this line isn't the embarrassingly pussy declaration of love on a public website for everyone to see, it's that I chose to use Facebook as the platform for anniversary wishes. We've been together for one sparkling, wonderful year. How should I let her know how much I appreciate her? Tell it to her face? Hire a skywriter to spell "I love you, Bethany" in the sky? Have a band perform a song for her that I wrote? Fuck that, Facebook is the way to go for me.

Ron Mexico Productions approved alternative line: "I'd write how happy you've made me in this wall post, but that would be a horrible mockery of our love."

#3: Thank god god put you into my life!

Okay, this is just getting gruesome. The next one can't possibly be worse.

#4: Hey snuggle monkey, I desperately need some of that (name omitted) lovin'

Fuck this, I quit.

I'm coming back to the blog!

Well, I've completely neglected this blog for two and a half months now, and I should come back to it because I really don't work hard enough on comedy writing and this might inspire me to bust ass again. I spend a lot of time doing work for class, and by the time I'm done all I want to do is drink beer and watch Friday Night Lights on DVD. I know I need to put my nose to the grindstone and work my ass off if I ever want to get anywhere in the comedy business, but dammit, after going to class then coming home and analyzing Shakespeare for four straight hours, all I really want to do is get drunk and find out if Matt Saracen and Julie get back together, dammit! Anyways, here's one of my older sketches that I made last March.





This, as you might have guessed, is the sequel to Smoke Stoppers, which is widely regarded as the best sketch I've ever made. This sequel also represents the biggest triumph in my extremely short sketch comedy career, because in March this video was featured nationally on Collegehumor.com and was selected as one of the staff picks that went on the front page for about a week. You can find it here and read the 100+ comments that their idiot users. left.
According to Wikipedia, Collegehumor.com gets 8 million unique visitors a month, so while I have absolutely no idea how many people have seen the sketch, I'm thinking that 100,000 would be an absolute bare minimum.

What I find so odd about the video getting featured on the national page is that I don't even fucking like it. I submitted the Boardwalk Hotel video, the One Missed Call parody, and the original Smoke Stoppers, all of which are way funnier than this video, to College Humor and they rejected those. Although this sketch has some pretty awesome lines, I really feel like it strains too hard for shock value to be funny. After I made this sketch I watched it and felt like the little kid who runs into a room full of grown-ups and says "poopy" trying to shock them. I also didn't like that they named the video "College Students Face Mortality". It's not exactly an eye-catching name that screams "HILARIOUS COMEDY SKETCH!!!" With a title that makes it sound like the video is a bunch of pretentious philosophy students ruminating on the inevitability of death, I think the probability of people slicking on a link to it is a lot lower than it could be.

Although I'm obviously not a fan of this video, there are some lines that I like. "The only thing women have to contribute to society is holes" is a clear winner. One night at a party I had the displeasure of being in the same room as this girl who was about the dumbest I've ever met. As soon as she walked out I remarked, "If you're a girl who's that fucking stupid, pretty much the only thing you have to contribute to society is holes". I wrote it down and then I decided to do a sequel to Smoke Stoppers pretty much just as an excuse to work that line in somehow.

As for all the lines that are like "Insert my meat and retreat" and "rape it and escape it," those are written in a public forum type setting. Usually on a Friday night, me and Carter (the guy wearing the Giants shirt) will have a drunken brainstorming session with anyone else present at our fraternity house and we'll come up with lines until I've got about 12 that are really funny. We've recently had a third one where I came up with a whole bunch more, and since Smoke Stoppers is pretty much the only thing I've done that has gotten any sort of significant reaction out of the rest of the world, a third installment has become inevitable.