I fucking hate happy couples. Two people who are the happiest that they've ever been and just can't get enough of being with each other are really about as annoying as human beings can get. If you know me you're probably thinking, "But Cody, you're in a happy couple!!! What gives?!?" For one thing, you need to cut down on your punctuation. For another, as a person in a happy couple, I annoy the shit out of myself sometimes. To try to help these Romeos who have allowed their love to turn them into overemotional shells of their former selves, I'm going to examine actual declarations of love found on the Facebook walls of people that I know and offer perfectly acceptable alternatives to their melodramatic ways.
#1: "hey babe i wanted to say i love you like a fat kid loves cake!!!!"
This was written by one of my fraternity brothers to his girlfriend. In case you couldn't figure out the main idea behind the statement, it is that he loves her a lot. Fat kids are known for enjoying delicious unhealthy foods, and to love her even more than that is certainly saying a lot. Four exclamation points really get the point across as well. What's distressing about this comparison is the way that fat kids love cake. They don't want to passionately love a cake and be with it for years. They want to furiously eat the cake and have another as soon as possible. What initially appears to be a cute and humorous declaration of love is actually declaring, "hey babe i wanted to say i want to sexually have my way with you, never see you again, and fuck many more women as soon as possible!!!!" How disturbing. If you're going to compare your love to a fat kid, compare it to something that will be with the fat kid forever.
Ron Mexico Productions approved alternative line: "I want to be with you for the rest of my life like the Type 1 diabetes of a fat kid who ate too much cake."
#2: It's that big day and all I have to say is thank you for the best year of my life. I love you!
This line is particularly humiliating because I wrote it to my girlfriend on our one year anniversary. Oh my god, what the fuck was I thinking? The worst part of this line isn't the embarrassingly pussy declaration of love on a public website for everyone to see, it's that I chose to use Facebook as the platform for anniversary wishes. We've been together for one sparkling, wonderful year. How should I let her know how much I appreciate her? Tell it to her face? Hire a skywriter to spell "I love you, Bethany" in the sky? Have a band perform a song for her that I wrote? Fuck that, Facebook is the way to go for me.
Ron Mexico Productions approved alternative line: "I'd write how happy you've made me in this wall post, but that would be a horrible mockery of our love."
#3: Thank god god put you into my life!
Okay, this is just getting gruesome. The next one can't possibly be worse.
#4: Hey snuggle monkey, I desperately need some of that (name omitted) lovin'
Fuck this, I quit.
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