Hey y'all! It's me, Danica Patrick, everyone's favorite IndyCar driver. I'm just coming here to let you all know that despite getting eliminated from the Indy 500 and finishin' in 22nd place, I'm still the real deal. I'm a real driver, not just some media celebrity, so let me make it clear that I want to be seen as a regular driver and not just a female driver. I'm here to race cars, not sell my body.
What? Why are you lookin' at me like that? It's real humid in here and I have to unzip my racing suit a little bit to let in some air. Now where was I? Oh yeah, I just want to reiterate again: I don't want you people out there to see me as a sex symbol. I'm a driver. Gasoline runs through my veins, and that's all that matters to me.
You see how important drivin' is to me? I took some time out from this address just to check my rear view mirror. I'm just sick and tired of all this criticism I'm hearin' from people who say that the only reason I'm getting endorsement deals and all of the media attention is because of my body. That's just a load of bull. I've amassed one career win in only four years of racing. Let me assure you, I am a top-notch driver, and I'm the real deal.
There's nothin' I love more than cars. With this pose I'm not sayin' that I'm a hypocritical redneck bitch and when I claim that I don't like getting extra media attention for being attractive I'm so full of shit that you could kick me in the stomach and have a crap fountain fly out of both orifices. I'm saying that these are my wheels, so step off. I will guard them with my life. And my vagina.
Hoo boy, all this defendin' of my character is making me tired. I need to just go 'head and take a rest. I sure am tuckered out right now. You're probably thinkin' that media whores like me and Anna Kournikova are single-handedly destroying any respectability that females in sports could ever hope to gain. I would give my perfectly toned legs to convince you otherwise.
Y'all just make me so angry that going out to the beach to get some rays in this completely casual pose that is most definitely not expertly constructed to invite masturbation is the only way I can unwind. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna get behind the wheel of my car in some completely casual attire, because drivin' is truly the only thing I care about.
Later!
No comments:
Post a Comment