This is a post for the ladies...

A little while ago I got an attractive woman to check out my blog. Dude, fucking seriously. I'm not even making this up. It helps that I work with her and she's forced to socially interact with me whether she wants to or not, but that's neither here nor there. She finds my public access show moderately amusing, so when I told her that I have a blog she loaded it up and checked it out. She read a page or two of one of the book chapters I posted here. I mentioned that I believe that the book is good enough to publish. She then pointed out two typos that she noticed within the first 5 minutes of reading. When everyone else in the room was done laughing at me, she realized that 50% of the recent posts were about video games and lost interest.

This opened my eyes to a serious problem. 50% of all people and 8% of all successful people are women. That's a large market that I've left completely untapped. Everyone knows that the cornerstone of being successful on the internet is appealing to women. In an effort to broaden my appeal and increase this blog's viewership, this post is for the ladies. I sent my crack research team to find me pictures of things that pertain specifically to women. I'm going to talk about these pictures and I sincerely hope you'll understand by the end that I truly understand women and your gender shouldn't stop you from appreciating my work.

I'll admit that I didn't do any research on this stuff before writing this blog post because honestly, what's the point? How different could woman stuff possibly be? Deep down we're all the same. Obviously this is a stock photo of a self-defense weapon to protect against attackers. When a woman pulls back on the string and lets go, a dart or some sort of projectile fires out the front to subdue any potential mugger or rapist. It's a pretty clever device that requires only minimal munitions training to master.

For 44 out of the last 45 months I've had a girlfriend. One thing I learned from that time is that women are terrible at video games. The small screens with simple geometric shapes in the picture above makes it very apparent that this is a sort of beginner's video game that serves as a stepping stone before women try to get into Xbox. Master those red lines, ladies. You'll be blasting the Covenant in Halo in no time!

The people who sent me this picture referred to it as a female feeding collection device. Feed is a term often associated with microphones. Women are smaller than men and have softer voices and this is clearly an amplifying microphone to make sure they're heard. Everyone tells me that I have a naturally obnoxiously loud voice that carries long distances. You'd better believe I'll be picking one of these up for my next girlfriend.

I can't say I'm a fan of this thing. It's probably true that men are more into paper airplanes than women, but giving women a pre-made paper airplane model is downright condescending. I mean jeez, look at the attached wings. You think a woman can't figure out on her own that an airplane needs wings? One time I heard somebody call this thing a Blood Mop. Man, I wish the names I came up with for my paper airplanes sounded that badass.

If you leave a bag of Sweet Tarts in front of me, it's pretty much guaranteed that I'll eat all of them within a few minutes. If I was able to load my candy into a device like this and schedule my consumption of sweets, I might not have put on the freshman 15.

This is a douche. Women fucking rinse out their vaginas with it.