Uwe Boll: A True Hero

If there is any one man who has garnered more hatred from gamers than Jack Thompson, it's Uwe Boll, the infamous director of video game movies. We all know that movies based on video games aren't exactly the most respected films in existence. Hell, I would go as far to say that with the exception of movies that tackle racism in the most overblown way humanly possible with all the subtlety of a fucking bulldozer and score Oscars by preying on liberal Hollywood's guilt, and movies whose titles begin with "The No" and end with "tebook", video game movies probably make up the worst genre of film in modern cinema. I thought about including a chapter in this book that was just a list of the ten worst video game movies ever made, but a quick Google search showed that I was beaten to the punch as that subject was done to death about five years ago. Considering the negative rap video game movies have and have had for years, we know going into a video game movie that it's more than likely going to suck.

Despite the fact that our expectations are immediately plummeted to rock bottom the moment we catch a whiff of the words, "based on the hit game," the video game adaptations brought to us by Uwe Boll draw such hateful, venomous responses from audiences that it appears rock bottom is a lofty goal that he could only hope to achieve. Before we get into just how hated and how villainous he is to the gaming subculture, let's get to know the man a little better.

This picture was probably not taken in Germany.

Uwe Boll was born in Germany in 1965. After studying at the University of Cologne and the University of Siegen, he earned a doctorate in literature. After completing his first two major film releases, he turned most of his energy and focus to directing movies based on video games. His first video game film was 2003's House of the Dead, followed by Alone in the Dark and Bloodrayne in 2005, In The Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale, Postal, Bloodrayne II: Deliverance in 2007, and Far Cry in 2008, in addition to an upcoming sequel in the Bloodrayne series, and he's even been flirting with original material as of late. According to popular online movie review aggregator Rotten Tomatoes, the highest approval rating one of his video game movies has ever received was 8% for Postal, while all others scored lower than 5%, meaning when his video game movies are at their most endearing, only 11 out of 12 critics dislike them.

The internet and gaming communities have had similar negative reactions to Dr. Boll's work. One angry viewer bought up the domain name Uweboll.com, which once linked to nothing but a blank white screen with the message, "please stop making movies." An online petition formed begging him to retire from working in film. At the time that I write this it has accumulated a little over 350,000 signatures. (Interestingly, he's agreed to retire if the petition reaches one million signatures.) His numerous vicious critics have made fun of the poor box office performance of his movies and the fact that they only turn a profit because of a loophole in German tax law that was designed to reward investment in German film. Also, based on the fact that he funds movies through his own company instead of through Hollywood studios, his critics have started a rumor that his movies are funded with Nazi gold, because apparently it's hilarious to imply that all Germans have deep personal ties with the Third Reich.

Ha!

That's some pretty intense hate to throw at a guy. The question I find myself asking is, what exactly is it that Uwe Boll is doing that's so wrong? Why does he deserve to be the most hated man among all gamers, and why are people actively conspiring to destroy his career? Although I'm posing these questions, let me be abundantly clear on this: I agree that his movies suck. They suck harder than the combined effort of an entire platoon of US Army specialists trained for years in the act of sucking. For the purposes of researching this chapter I watched all of his video game adaptations and felt IQ points seeping out of my ear and splattering on the floor, never to be regained again. They're so bad that the next time I'm receiving a root canal while the dentist blasts The Doors greatest hits (I fucking hate The Doors and their retarded lyrics and seven minute interludes that sound like elevator music) while a pyromaniac child burns my toes and melts my right big toenail and watches it seep down my foot and lower leg, giving me blisters all the way, I'll still smile and say "At least it isn't an Uwe Boll movie."

I'm including brief reviews of his video game adaptations to express this in more particular detail.

Hard Work is for Suckers

And now the excerpts from my new book which is actually 20 months old continue. In this installment, I'll tell you how I learned at a very young age that hard work will never benefit anyone.

When I was 14 I landed a job with my hometown newspaper, the Michigan City News‑Dispatch, as a video game critic. I joke about what I loser I am that my greatest writing achievement is getting a job at a small town newspaper whose reputation for journalistic excellence has earned it the nickname "The News‑Disgrace" from just about every sentient person in Michigan City (and even a few News‑Dispatch employees).

Being self‑deprecating is charming and all, but I actually am pretty proud of getting the job. Michigan City isn't exactly a bustling metropolis, but the last census put its population at around 33,000. It's not the fucking Washington Post, but that's still a decent audience to reach. 33,000 people is still 33,000 people. It's also cool that I started when I was 14. Most aspiring writers that age are struggling to get printed in their school newspaper. Also let's not forget that it rules to get paid to write about video games at any age. Who hasn't wanted to tell their parents to screw off when they're nagged about looking for a job or doing homework instead of playing video games?

2,200 of the 33,000 people counted as Michigan City residents are inmates in the Indiana State Prison. My writing has been read by more rapists than yours.

Looking back on the way I landed this job, I learned a valuable (and horrible) life lesson. You see, from the age of 12 to 13, I had a hobby of writing video game reviews for epinions.com and GameFAQs.com. Although both sites have the occasional well‑written, thoughtful, quality review, they are for the most part the places where well‑informed, coherent analysis goes to get raped and stabbed in an alley and left for dead. Looking back I would like to think that my work was a cut above the other trash found on those sites. I'm pretty sure my grammar and punctuation were impeccable, my jokes hilarious, and my analysis thought provoking and brilliant. Then I found all of my old reviews on an internet archive and discovered I was no better. Not only did I rape and stab coherent analysis, I smashed its head against the concrete, robbed it, poured sugar in its gas tank, and then I farted in its face. Here are some of excerpts to show you what I great writer I was in junior high. All of the original grammatical and typographical errors have been left in place.

Excerpt from my review of the Sega Dreamcast

"This thing is powerful. Wile people have been fooling themselves into being wowed by the PS2's graphics, they don't seem to have realized that DC's graphics are just as good. Take a look at Jet Grind Radio or better yet, Soul Calibur if you don't believe me. "

Yes, my love of the Dreamcast actually did render me completely blind. Thanks for asking!

This image is from a Dreamcast game. Clearly it created the most aesthetically pleasing graphics in gaming history.

Excerpt from my review of Crash Bandicoot: Warped

"Crash looks better then ever, animation rarely slips below the 40 fps line, and is most of the time much higher."

When I was 12 I wasn't going to let the fact that I didn't even know what a frame rate was keep me from completely pulling graphics-related stats out of my ass. Things have changed since then. For example, I can tell from looking at this screenshot that Crash Bandicoot: Warped was rendered at a rate of 64% polygonicality.

Video Games Are Better Now Than They've Ever Been: A Stunning Development

Way back in the days of the NES, we played an altogether different type of game. For one thing, the plots of our games rarely if ever made a lick of goddamn sense. If you're the type of guy who has to point out every single inconsistency and plot hole in a Jerry Bruckheimer movie, please stay far, far away from an NES. Expect many questions to ensue, such as "Bionic Commando's arm is cool and all, but wouldn't it be a good idea to send a guy who's at least physically capable of jumping?" or "Did Samus really think bringing nothing to the hostile alien planet but a gun that only fires four feet in front of her was enough?" or the ever‑popular "Since when did plumbers shrink to half their size when they get injured?"

She's done such a shitty job arming herself that I'm honestly betting on the walking Bart Simpson heads to win this one.

One of the most egregious examples is Contra. Here we have a game where an evil alien army is doing some really bad stuff off on their remote island base, preparing to invade and probably enslave Earth. The chips are down and to be quite honest, things have never looked this bad. I imagine that this situation resulted in a lot of scientists dramatically removing their glasses and proclaiming "My god...." in a soft voice that still carries all of the weight of a truly apocalyptic scenario.

We are all standing on the brink of destruction. Everyone knows they have only one day to live, and they're trying to make the most of it. Husbands are telling their wives they love them. Overworked office employees are telling bosses to suck their balls. Children are finding out what happens when you pee on an electric fence. This is truly our darkest hour. Humanity has slipped in the shower, sustained a serious spinal cord injury, and fallen into a coma. The human race is on life support, and all of the Christian protestors in the world aren't going to stop this alien army from disconnecting the feeding tube. It's judgement day.

The United States government knows they need to do stop this threat. What will they do? How about a tactical nuclear strike? That would be brilliant! The entire army is holed up on one island. You could win this thing in a few minutes and still have time to fu....... oh, you're not going to do that. So what are you going to do? You're going to send men? That's a great idea! We'll send an entire platoon of the most hardened marines we have to offer by boat, and after the fighting begins we'll drop hundreds more via airplane! With the sea troops and paratroopers combined, they'll never know what hit them! Yeah, we're gonna win this thing!

Alright, let's go! We're go....... oh, you aren't sending thousands of soldiers? Budget cutbacks, I understand. How many are you sending? Two? Only two thousand? That wasn't as many as I was expecting, but it should still work. Oh, not two thousand. Two hundred? Wait, you're only sending two as in literally two guys? I get it, you're sending the two best stealth infiltration experts you have, and they're going to sneak into the compound and assassinate the alien leader. It like it! Oh, they don't do stealth. That cool, I saw a movie once where a jaunty African American and a paranoid Jew stole a UFO and used it to give the aliens a virus. It was one of the most asinine plot developments in Hollywood history, but they were only two guys. It could work. Crap, Will Smith asked for too much? What's the plan then? They're going to just stroll onto the beach, shoot everything in sight, and hope for the best. And they're shirtless. Okay, I'm gonna go get my will in order now.

If these guys aren't available, who the fuck is going to punch the aliens in the face and go, "Welcome to Earff" now?

Not only are these guys the center of the most poorly planned military operation in history, they're also a lot weaker than you would expect a couple of Rambo clones to be. If they're going to be sent to take on the entire army with only a crappy rifle, you would expect them to be superhumans who can kill alien lifeforms with their bare hands, heal wounds with gunpowder, and the ability to behead enemy soldiers with their steel boners wouldn't be a bad touch.

Tales From the Video Game Generation

Way back in October of 2008, I wrote a book-length collection of essays on video games and how they raised me and defined me as the man I am today. This 316-page tome carried the thoroughly marketable full title of "Tales From the Video Game Generation: Memoirs, Opinions, and Rants From a Gaming Obsessed, ADD Afflicted Geek Who Never Knew a World Without Mario."

I enjoyed the hell out of writing it. It's an extremely comedic book and it retains all of my typically vulgar language throughout. After all the time I spent writing, editing, and proofreading, I sat on my finished book and did basically nothing in the way of trying to get it published or represented by a literary agent. I think part of me felt that it wasn't good enough to get published, or that nobody would find it marketable enough to pick up because it's a collection of extremely personal essays from a guy that nobody's ever heard of.

That's actually a recurring theme with my work. I'll eagerly pour time into writing a book, making cartoons, blogging, or producing a TV show, and when the time comes to promote the hell out of the finished work and get the word out, I do absolutely nothing. Again, maybe part of me thinks it isn't very good and I'm embarrassed to hype it. Probably another part of that is my belief that if it's good I won't have to heavily promote it. Videos get millions of Youtube views by going viral, and not because the people who made them did a really good job promoting it. Maybe heavy promotion could get a dud video up to 5,000 views, but if it isn't good it isn't good, so I've just assumed that the reason why I don't have videos with millions of views is because they just aren't funny or appealing enough and left it at that.

Anyway, I don't want this book I wrote to just sit in a box without anyone ever getting a chance to read it since I did put a lot of time into it and literally fewer than 5 people have ever read a word of it, so I'll be periodically posting chapters to the blog. Anything with the tag "Tales From the Video Game Generation" is another chapter. A good friend from high school read the book and left some pretty helpful comments, and maybe if people like what they see here I'll consider putting some real effort into getting this thing sold. It's coming up in the next post. Enjoy.