College Football is SOOOOO Much Better Than the NFL

Most sports fans that I know think college football is way better than the NFL. Fuck them. Fuck them in their stupid ham heads. "Hey dude, college football is so much more real than the pro game. They're not about money and commercialism like the NFL is." Yeah, a big strong kid from Arizona who was recruited by Michigan is totally playing for the glory of his school. Someone playing for a school on the other side of the country because they offered him the best benefits and most exposure to pro scouts is so different from an NFL player going to a team because they offered him the most money, right? Eat shit. And I'm sure nobody has monetary interest in the 110,000 tickets Ohio State sells every home game and Notre Dame's national TV contract. All they care about is tossin' the pigskin around, aren't they? There's no business angle whatsoever. Eat a cock sandwich.

Then they tell me "But the games are so much more exciting! The rivalries! The upsets!" God I hate you. What in the fuck makes you think college football where everybody sucks and the level of play is sub-dogshit compared to the NFL is more entertaining? Do you like watching little league more than Major League Baseball too? I could watch a college football game between two of the best teams in the nation and see maybe three or four extraordinary players who are going to the NFL, or I could watch the actual NFL and see 53 pro-level players on each side. As for the games themselves, 90% of them blow ass. I admit huge upsets at the college level are really cool to see, but in the time you sat through dozens of dull-ass four hour blowouts (4 hours instead of 3 because EVERY FUCKING PLAY STOPS THE CLOCK) to see one upset, you could have watched the NFL which promises at least eight entertaining games every Sunday. Don't believe me that college football is a boring pile of shit? Look at the scores for today's games:

Bowling Green 27
Pittsburgh 17

Penn State 66
Coastal Carolina 10

South Florida 56
Tennessee-Martin 7

Brigham Young 41
Northern Iowa 17

East Carolina 27
Virginia Tech 22

Wisconsin 38
Akron 17

Kansas 40
Florida International 10

Texas 52
Florida Athletic 10

Texas Tech 49
Eastern Washington 24

Alabama 34
Clemson 10

Auburn 34
Louisiana-Monroe 0

West Virginia 48
Villanova 21

LSU 41
Appalachian State 13

Florida 56
Hawaii 10

Okalhoma 57
Chattanooga 2

Ohio State 43
Youngstown State 0

USC 52
Virginia 10

Georgia 45
Georgia Southern 21

There are three more sucky games that are still going on as I write this. I'm not going to include them because they aren't over, but none of them are currently looking to be significantly more exciting. So out of 18 finished games, fucking two were determined by 10 points or less. What appeal does a sporting organization hold for anyone when 90% of its games are blowout snoozers that are essentially over before halftime? There isn't even a real championship, it's just a game between whatever one-loss teams were lucky enough to have their one loss happen at the beginning of the season instead of the end. Seriously, what kind of a woolwit cock would you have to be to prefer this money-driven, boring, poorly played bullshit? Somebody e-mail me and tell me what I'm missing here.

Metal Gear Solid Got a Little Too Realistic

If you think too hard about pretty much any video game, it's almost inevitable that you'll find a bunch of problems with plot and realism. Questions like "Could a dork like Gordon Freeman really kill an entire platoon of hardened commandos with a crowbar?" or "How the hell does drinking from a Canteen cure bullet wounds in Medal of Honor?" or "How could any Final Fantasy protagonist leave his house dressed in a costume that fruity without getting his ass kicked?" will arise. No video game in history has successfully proven to be 100% realistic and have all of its logistic problems answered.

In 1998, one of the most important and groundbreaking games ever made, Metal Gear Solid, came on the scene with unprecedented complexity in storytelling and revolutionary stealth gameplay mechanics. I'm sure you know that, but what you don't know is that in the early stages of development director Hideo Kojima attempted to craft a fully realistic story in which all logistic questions are answered and no suspension of disbelief is required to understand the story. Armed with only a silenced pistol and a cardboard box I snuck into the Konami offices and found an early draft of the script of a Codec conversation between Snake and his support team. Most of this dialog was ultimately left out of the final game, but I hope you'll find Kojima's attempt to fully commit to explaining every facet of his plot as admirable as I did.

CAMPBELL: Remember, except for your binoculars you're naked. You need to arm yourself with whatever weapons you can find.

SNAKE: I remember. First I'm strip searched by Doctor Naomi here, and then all my weapons are taken away. Imagine yourself put in that position.

NAOMI: Well, if you make it back in one piece, maybe I'll let you do a strip search on me.

SNAKE: I'll hold you to that doctor. By the way, sorry to disappoint you but I did manage to smuggle out my smokes.

NAOMI: How did you do that?

SNAKE: In my stomach. Thanks to the shot you gave me that suppressed my stomach acids.

MEI LING: Cigarettes? How are those things going to help you?

SNAKE: You never know. Okay, I'm ready to attempt to…

CAMPBELL: Wait a minute, how the hell are you going to use those?

SNAKE: Use what?

CAMPBELL: Your cigarettes. They're in your stomach, but how did you get them out?

NAOMI: Colonel, I don't think we have time for this.

CAMPBELL: You get to exchange clumsy sexual banter and come onto him like a truck stop slut and I can't ask him this?

SNAKE: He has a point, Naomi.

NAOMI: Oh fuck both of you. (Leaves in a huff)

CAMPBELL: Can you believe tits-on-a-stick has filed three sexual harassment suits against me?

SNAKE: I can't see what would have her upset.

CAMPBELL: So how'd you get the cigarettes out?

SNAKE: Well, the shot that suppressed my stomach acids also rendered me unable to vomit, so the rear exit was the only way those bastards were coming out.

CAMPBELL: Yeah.

SNAKE: I already took a crap an hour or so before the mission began, so I knew it would be another day before I would pinch one out. My pipes run like clockwork.

CAMPBELL: Your file states that you're by far our most regular operative.

SNAKE: Yeah, so I infiltrated the base's medical facility to get my hands on some hospital-strength laxative. A security camera and three soldiers were patrolling the area. I tampered with the wiring of the camera to make it loop a single static image, and I silently took out the men with quick lacerations to the neck.

MEI LING: Took out? As in killed?

SNAKE: No, I fucking invited them to Applebee's and paid for their Ultimate Trios.

MEI LING: You took three human lives just to poop out some cigarettes?

CAMPBELL: Mei Ling, the men are talking. (cuts her mic) Go on.

SNAKE: I took the bottle of laxative. Unfortunately, the instructions were in Russian so I had to just guess how much I needed to take. I think I overestimated and ended up taking 20 times more than I should have.

CAMPBELL: Snake, I don't think I like where this is going.

SNAKE: I've taken dumps before. I've taken huge craps before. I've had extreme diarrhea plenty of times in my day. But this is the first time I, or anyone I've ever known, have blasted a shit fountain. I slit the throats of three more personnel to get to a supply closet and grab some toilet paper to deal with the mess, but by this point my bowels were unleashing such an unquenchable fury that the comforts provided by common paper proved to be worthless.

CAMPBELL: Please stop talking.

SNAKE: Colonel, you asked and I'm going to fucking tell you. Anyway, by this point I quit trying to stop the fury and I gave up on trying to clean up the mess. The diarrhea became a force of nature with its own personality, desires, and dreams. I begged it to stop and show mercy on my soul, but the crap was deaf to my pleas.

CAMPBELL: Where's Naomi? Only her fine ass can wipe away the mental image scarred across my brain.

SNAKE: The fury finally subsided and the demon was exorcised from my bowels. I dug through the crap that was left on the floor, walls, and ceiling and found six of my twenty cigarettes. I made my way to the dining facility and killed the sous chef, the main chef, six cooks, three Mexican dishwashers, and twelve waitresses on my way to the kitchen.

CAMPBELL: Waitresses? You killed twelve women?

SNAKE: You just magically became a women's rights activist?

CAMPBELL: Good point.

SNAKE: In the kitchen I washed the fecal matter off of the cigarettes. I then killed sixteen people to get to the laundry facility where I could put the cigarettes in a dryer. Most of the people I killed were men. Are you happy, Susan B. Fucking Anthony?

CAMPBELL: I will never provide radio support for a mission again.

SNAKE: After a lot of work and 45 dead bodies, I finally had a smoke. I had that first inhale of a man who knows he finished a job well done. The problem was that even though I cleaned them, every inch of the cigarettes were still completely soaked and browned with poop particles. Colonel, have you ever inhaled the vapors of human shit in gaseous form?

CAMPBELL: I never should have asked how you got those cigarettes out.

SNAKE: Nope.

The suits at Konami scrapped most of this dialog from the final game. They felt their games didn't need every single loose end in the plot tied up. It's just another example of corporate bastards interfering with art. Hideo Kojima, your vision may have been ruined, but I'll raise a glass to you.

Hooray Cincinnati Sports

As you may or may not know, the first 21 years of my life have been spent in meccas of respectable sports franchises. I spent the first 17 years living near Chicago, home of the ever-lovable Cubs, the 2005 World Series Champion White Sox, the 2006 NFC Champion Bears, and I was there for all six championships of the Bull dynasty. I then went to college at Ball State, which is 45 minutes away from Indianapolis. In watching the Super Bowl XLI champion Colts I had the pleasure of watching the only team to ever have five consecutive 12-win seasons, and I got to watch the best quarterback in the NFL work his magic week after week (Peyton is the best. Suck a fat donkey cock, Tom Brady. I could throw 50 touchdowns if I had ten fucking seconds to throw).

Now I live in Cincinnati, which as far as I'm concerned is currently the shittiest sports city in the country. Since my girlfriend just called me a homo and she hates it when I make fun of the Reds and Bengals, here is the extent of how much worse Cincinnati is than the places I used to live:

-George W. Bush threw out the ceremonial first pitch for the White Sox home opener, Japan's Emperor Hirohito threw out the first pitch for the Cubs, and Boone County Clerk Lonnie Entwhistle threw out the first pitch for the Reds.

-Whenever the White Sox, who lead the league in home runs, knocks one out of the park, the crowd of U.S. Cellular field is wowed with an astounding display of spectacular professional fireworks. On the rare occasion that a Red hits a home run, a guy in a red Speedo just yells "Boom!" really, really loud.

-Bears quarterbacks Rex Grossman and Kyle Orton look like lovable, all-American boys that you wouldn't be ashamed to take home to meet your momma. Bengals quarterback Carson Palmer looks like fucking Roy from The Office.

-If you walk home from a late Reds game you'll probably get stabbed by a stranger. If you walk home from a late White Sox game you'll still get stabbed, but the homeless guy who did it will feel really bad about it.

-While we're on the subject, the Chicago guy who stabs you is homeless and down on his luck, while the Cincinnati guy more than likely plays for the Bengals.

-The White Sox and Cubs use children to take up Batboy duties. The Reds hire Peruvian midgets because actual American children cost too much.

-Last season the Bengals defense allowed more points than the Colts did yards.

-Go Colts!

Wacky NFL Nicknames

Hell yeah, look at that picture. People who read blogs hate when it's only words, so I'm trying to have at least one picture on all posts. The NFL season is so fucking close I can smell it. When I was very young in Michigan City I used to watch games with my dad. I was all about the Jim Harbaugh-led Colts back then. After him I've had to endure ten years of this douchebag named Peyton Manning who can't seem to win a game for the life of him.

Anyway, my dad always used to have clever, cute little nicknames for the teams that sucked or he didn't like. He called the Colts the "Dolts", the Bears the "Who cares?", the Saints were the "Ain'ts," etc. In honor of the greatest sports league on earth and as an homage to those names, I've come up with clever little nicknames for every team in the NFL. I tried to use rhymes and subtle little wordplays. You can use these on your friends!

NFC South
-Atlanta Falcan'ts
-Tampa Bay Suckaneers
-New Whoreland Saints
-Carolina Manthers

NFC West
-Seattle Peehawks
-San Francisco 69ers
-St. Poo-is Rams
-Arizona Douchebags

NFC North
-Green Bay Assholes
-Chicago Dickheads
-Minnesota Cocksuckers
-Detroit Shiteaters

NFC East
-New York Cockrammers
-Dallas Fucktasters
-Philadelphia Felchers
-Washington Rapists

AFC South
-Indianapolis Whoremongering Shitfaces
-Houston Buttfucking Wastes of Sperm
-Jacksonville Dickbreathed Fecalphiliacs
-Tennessee Fuckspewing Sperm Farmers

AFC West
-San Diego Syphilis Infested Vaginal Cum Bubbles
-Kansas City Shitmunching Hobos Who Suck Cock for Heroin
-Oakland Emotionally Damaged Coeds Who Like Being Pissed On To Get Closure On Their Relationships With Their Fathers
-Denver Sexually Depraved Freaks Who Masturbate to Bukkake Films

AFC North
-Pittsburgh Cannibalistic Natives Who Believe That Eating The Anuses of Their Foes Will Result in Gaining Their Power
-Cleveland Renal Failures
-Cincinnati Fetal Alcohol Babies
-Baltimore Drug Addicts Who Pimp Out Their 9-Year Old Children To Get Their Next Smack Fix (Crap, Baltimore actually has a lot of those. This one hits a little too close to home)

AFC East
-Buffalo Dildo-Ramming Buttplug Sniffers
-New York Impolite Gentlemen
-Miami LOL-phins
-New England Unbelievable Cocksucking Shitfaced Asspounding Animal Rapists Who Masturbate To Snuff Films Because They're The Worst Motherfucking Wastes of Life That God Has Ever Conceived And It's Apparent That God Was Completely Hammered When He Thought It Was a Good Idea To Allow This Awful Fucking Team To Exist And The Fact That God Has Yet To Smite Tom Brady, Bill Belichick, Rodney Harrison, And The Rest of Those Shit-Crunching Bitchfaces Is A Greater Travesty Than The Holocaust, Darfur Genocides, Internment of Japanese-Americans During World War II And Grey's Anatomy Combined!!!!!!! EAT A FUCKING BAG OF COCKS YOU INCEST-HAVING RACIST DICKSHITS!!!!!!!!

Have a great football season!

Tom Raper: A True American Hero

In the midwest there lives a legend of sorts. A man who lives life by his own code. Some of us call him the last true Cowboy in the great expanse of the North American continent. He didn't let something like one of the worst fucking last names in the history of names stop him from living the American dream. That man is Tom Raper.


As far as I know Tom Raper is a successful and respected salesman of trailers, RV, and homes. He probably works hard day and night to sell vehicles to provide pretty dresses for his beautiful wife, Mulva Raper. I'll bet he slaves at the sales offices so he can pay for his daughter's clarinet lessons. She clearly doesn't have any natural talent and she'll never play Carnegie Hall, but he doesn't have the heart to tell little Virginia Raper to give up on her dreams. His blood and sweat paid for young Richard Raper's Xbox 360. He provides an important service to the community by offering recreational vehicles and homes at competitive prices. I'm sure Tom Raper is a hell of a guy and he's heard cheap potshots at his last name his whole life. Only a hack comedian would make fun of Tom Raper. I should say no. Unfortunately, when it comes to Tom Raper, no means yes. So here we go.

REJECTED ADVERTISING SLOGANS FOR TOM RAPER'S BUSINESSES

-Tom Raper RVs: We'll Force Savings Upon You
-Need a secluded cabin in the woods 50 miles away from civilization? Tom Raper Homes as you covered!
-We help our customers. Tom Raper will always be right behind you.
-Our customer service is so top-notch, nobody will believe you when you tell them about the experience!
-Need help getting a trailer hitched? Tom Raper will stick it to the back!
-You could pay for three months of counseling sessions with the money you'll save over our competitors.
-At Tom Raper RVs we knock out the competition! We're the Mike Tyson of recreational vehicle dealers!

So there's this slave girl......

I threw in another 6 job applications today. Throughout this job hunt, my girlfriend and parents have helpfully sent me job postings that seem to apply to the type of work I'm looking for. Last night I checked my e-mail and found a posting sent to me from my mom asking for "Creative writers with computer knowledge." I clicked on the job posting and found nothing of interest besides the name of the company.

I went to the company's website and only found one page of poorly written insanity about how the company uses creative people to write songs, movies, and TV shows, and how the guy who founded the company has found success in the recording industry, and he's waiting for you to call him. I didn't really understand, but it didn't seem like it would hurt to at least give him a call. Since I'm a comedian who spends a significant amount of free time writing scripts and pounding out jokes, anything that appears to be willing to pay me to come up with dick jokes is worth at least a phone call. What followed was one of the most insane phone calls I've ever had in my life. I had a fifteen minute conversation with the founder of the company who stuck me as a middle-aged dude who has "acid flashback" listed as a regular item on his daily schedule. I was thinking of writing a funny blog post where I comment on this phone call, but the actual content was so insane that I think posting the conversation verbatim is enough. I swear to you, the reader, that this is more or less exactly how the conversation went. Some stuff has been cut out for the sake of length, but the main idea is still there.

(Note: for the sake of anonymity, the guy who owns the company will be referred to as "Derek")

(Derek answers the phone)

Derek: Yeah, what's it doin'?

Me: Sorry, what?

Derek: What do you want?

Me: Uh, I was calling about the job posting for a creative writer....

Derek: Oh, okay, cool, man. So are you good with a computer?

Me: I'm not an expert, but I use it to surf the internet and check my e-mail

Derek: Good enough for me! That's awesome, man.

Me: Okay.... so, uh, what exactly is it that your company does?

Derek: Well, you know, we do all kinds of creative stuff. I had an idea for a movie one night, so I totally had my writers put a script together and we're working on it.

Me: That sounds interesting.

Derek: So here's what it's about: You see, there's this slave girl living in New Orleans, right? So, her great grandparents are being brought over from Africa to America on the boat, and then it gets attacked by pirates. So the pirates attack the slave ship, and then like the great grandparents escape and swim to the shore. Hmmm..... okay...... uh, I guess they're not really slaves then because they never worked on a plantation or anything. But they're still in America instead of Africa, so they're kinda slaves.

Me: Uh huh.... well, I think that sounds interesting

Derek: So we're still looking for ideas on the script, so if you want to research that and like Google the slave trade in 1717 and see what pirates were like back then, that would be awesome.

Me: I do a lot of creative writing. That was actually one of my majors in college. I do mostly comedy, but...

Derek: Hey, man. Just because it's funny doesn't mean it's bad. I mean, that's nothing to be ashamed of.

Me: I never said I was ashamed

Derek: Okay, you don't need to lie and be insecure about it. I don't hold it against you, so you don't have to lie to me.

Me: Okay.....

Derek: (Suddenly changing subject) I don't like the "About us" section on my website because I wrote it. I ain't a good writer kind of guy. What I'm thinking you could do is look over that section and send me an e-mail telling me how you would rewrite it. You could even send me some snail mail, man. I don't even care.

Me: I guess I could do that

Derek: No, wait....... No, wait........ Hell no man, don't do that. Forget I said that at all. If you send me an idea and I like it and I use it I'll have to pay you, and I don't want to do that. Just pretend like I didn't even say any of that.

Me: No problem

Derek: This slave girl movie is gonna rock

The conversation went on a little longer and I finally told him that I would love to get paid for creative writing type work and I sent him the script for my Cross-Country short film. In the end all I have to say is that I hope to god that I get hired by this guy. I'm going to say right now, without even the slightest hint of irony or sarcasm, that I'm willing to bet that writing scripts for this guy could quite possibly be the most awesome job in history.

Checking in, relaunching

As you can see, I haven't touched the blog or put up a new video in well over a month. Here's the deal and here's what's going to be happening down the line:

I grauated from college a month ago and moved to the greater Cincinnati area two weeks ago. This has some significant implications for my sketch comedy work because all of the actors that I worked with were college friends, and they're all still going to school, so I'm all alone here. When I moved away from Muncie I more or less killed Ron Mexico Productions in its current form because while we appear to be a full-fledged sketch comedy troupe, the truth is that I, Ron Mexico, have done close to 100% of the writing and a full 100% of the editing and post production work. (Not trying to be arrogant, that's just the fact of the matter)

So now I'm living in a delightful little northern Kentucky county twenty minutes away from downtown Cincinnati and looking for new comedic horizons. The main project that I'm working on is getting a weekly half hour comedy show up and running on the local public access station. Since I just moved here I don't know anybody besides my live-in girlfriend, so I'm looking for people to work with who would be interested. If this project ever comes to fruition you can expect to see episodes of the public access show posted to Youtube.

The TV station only allows people who have taken their orientation, field production, and non-linear editing classes be involved with making a show, so it'll be a matter of months before I can get some guys together for a show and get them cleared to work with the equipment because the fucking classes are only offered once a month. The ultimate goal here is to make a show and work on it until it gets good and we develop some sort of voice and then pitch it to all of the major networks and see if anyone's interested.

While that plan slowly takes form, I'm spending a lot of time sitting around, playing Zelda, and waiting to hear back on the 22 job applications I've sent out. Attention to the people reading this who haven't graduated from college yet: You want to hear something encouraging? I interviewed for a shitty, boring job at a TV station that pays $24,000 a year, and the guy doing the interview told me that 30 FUCKING PEOPLE applied for the job. That's how much the economy sucks right now. Enjoy entering the job market, bitches!

So while the job and TV show stuff are taking form, I'm currently working on writing a feature-length screenplay based on my college experience, and in addition I plan to start blogging much more actively. From this point on this blog will be transformed to be much less news updates on Ron Mexico Productions and commentary on new sketches and much more a pure comedy blog. Expect 3 to 5 weekly updates of hilarious bitching about movies, TV, video games, football, my sex life, people on internet forums that I'm fighting with, job hunting, the regularity of my shits, and whatever the fuck else I'm in the mood to talk about.

But that's enough of that. If you wanted me to talk about my career instead of hearing me actually tell jokes you'd be Dane Cook fans. I officially go back to trying to be funny tomorrow.