So there's this slave girl......

I threw in another 6 job applications today. Throughout this job hunt, my girlfriend and parents have helpfully sent me job postings that seem to apply to the type of work I'm looking for. Last night I checked my e-mail and found a posting sent to me from my mom asking for "Creative writers with computer knowledge." I clicked on the job posting and found nothing of interest besides the name of the company.

I went to the company's website and only found one page of poorly written insanity about how the company uses creative people to write songs, movies, and TV shows, and how the guy who founded the company has found success in the recording industry, and he's waiting for you to call him. I didn't really understand, but it didn't seem like it would hurt to at least give him a call. Since I'm a comedian who spends a significant amount of free time writing scripts and pounding out jokes, anything that appears to be willing to pay me to come up with dick jokes is worth at least a phone call. What followed was one of the most insane phone calls I've ever had in my life. I had a fifteen minute conversation with the founder of the company who stuck me as a middle-aged dude who has "acid flashback" listed as a regular item on his daily schedule. I was thinking of writing a funny blog post where I comment on this phone call, but the actual content was so insane that I think posting the conversation verbatim is enough. I swear to you, the reader, that this is more or less exactly how the conversation went. Some stuff has been cut out for the sake of length, but the main idea is still there.

(Note: for the sake of anonymity, the guy who owns the company will be referred to as "Derek")

(Derek answers the phone)

Derek: Yeah, what's it doin'?

Me: Sorry, what?

Derek: What do you want?

Me: Uh, I was calling about the job posting for a creative writer....

Derek: Oh, okay, cool, man. So are you good with a computer?

Me: I'm not an expert, but I use it to surf the internet and check my e-mail

Derek: Good enough for me! That's awesome, man.

Me: Okay.... so, uh, what exactly is it that your company does?

Derek: Well, you know, we do all kinds of creative stuff. I had an idea for a movie one night, so I totally had my writers put a script together and we're working on it.

Me: That sounds interesting.

Derek: So here's what it's about: You see, there's this slave girl living in New Orleans, right? So, her great grandparents are being brought over from Africa to America on the boat, and then it gets attacked by pirates. So the pirates attack the slave ship, and then like the great grandparents escape and swim to the shore. Hmmm..... okay...... uh, I guess they're not really slaves then because they never worked on a plantation or anything. But they're still in America instead of Africa, so they're kinda slaves.

Me: Uh huh.... well, I think that sounds interesting

Derek: So we're still looking for ideas on the script, so if you want to research that and like Google the slave trade in 1717 and see what pirates were like back then, that would be awesome.

Me: I do a lot of creative writing. That was actually one of my majors in college. I do mostly comedy, but...

Derek: Hey, man. Just because it's funny doesn't mean it's bad. I mean, that's nothing to be ashamed of.

Me: I never said I was ashamed

Derek: Okay, you don't need to lie and be insecure about it. I don't hold it against you, so you don't have to lie to me.

Me: Okay.....

Derek: (Suddenly changing subject) I don't like the "About us" section on my website because I wrote it. I ain't a good writer kind of guy. What I'm thinking you could do is look over that section and send me an e-mail telling me how you would rewrite it. You could even send me some snail mail, man. I don't even care.

Me: I guess I could do that

Derek: No, wait....... No, wait........ Hell no man, don't do that. Forget I said that at all. If you send me an idea and I like it and I use it I'll have to pay you, and I don't want to do that. Just pretend like I didn't even say any of that.

Me: No problem

Derek: This slave girl movie is gonna rock

The conversation went on a little longer and I finally told him that I would love to get paid for creative writing type work and I sent him the script for my Cross-Country short film. In the end all I have to say is that I hope to god that I get hired by this guy. I'm going to say right now, without even the slightest hint of irony or sarcasm, that I'm willing to bet that writing scripts for this guy could quite possibly be the most awesome job in history.