Hooray Cincinnati Sports

As you may or may not know, the first 21 years of my life have been spent in meccas of respectable sports franchises. I spent the first 17 years living near Chicago, home of the ever-lovable Cubs, the 2005 World Series Champion White Sox, the 2006 NFC Champion Bears, and I was there for all six championships of the Bull dynasty. I then went to college at Ball State, which is 45 minutes away from Indianapolis. In watching the Super Bowl XLI champion Colts I had the pleasure of watching the only team to ever have five consecutive 12-win seasons, and I got to watch the best quarterback in the NFL work his magic week after week (Peyton is the best. Suck a fat donkey cock, Tom Brady. I could throw 50 touchdowns if I had ten fucking seconds to throw).

Now I live in Cincinnati, which as far as I'm concerned is currently the shittiest sports city in the country. Since my girlfriend just called me a homo and she hates it when I make fun of the Reds and Bengals, here is the extent of how much worse Cincinnati is than the places I used to live:

-George W. Bush threw out the ceremonial first pitch for the White Sox home opener, Japan's Emperor Hirohito threw out the first pitch for the Cubs, and Boone County Clerk Lonnie Entwhistle threw out the first pitch for the Reds.

-Whenever the White Sox, who lead the league in home runs, knocks one out of the park, the crowd of U.S. Cellular field is wowed with an astounding display of spectacular professional fireworks. On the rare occasion that a Red hits a home run, a guy in a red Speedo just yells "Boom!" really, really loud.

-Bears quarterbacks Rex Grossman and Kyle Orton look like lovable, all-American boys that you wouldn't be ashamed to take home to meet your momma. Bengals quarterback Carson Palmer looks like fucking Roy from The Office.

-If you walk home from a late Reds game you'll probably get stabbed by a stranger. If you walk home from a late White Sox game you'll still get stabbed, but the homeless guy who did it will feel really bad about it.

-While we're on the subject, the Chicago guy who stabs you is homeless and down on his luck, while the Cincinnati guy more than likely plays for the Bengals.

-The White Sox and Cubs use children to take up Batboy duties. The Reds hire Peruvian midgets because actual American children cost too much.

-Last season the Bengals defense allowed more points than the Colts did yards.

-Go Colts!