Fun with bathroom scales

If you're a typical beer swilling, rare steak eating, bear wrestling man, odds are you don't see much use in buying a bathroom scale. Watching your diet, trying to exercise regularly, and monitoring your weight is for wimpy little fags. Any guy who actually tries to keep tabs on his weight will never get an accurate rating because their girdle, tiara, and tampons will throw off the number.

One time I noticed my ever-expanding beer gut and started to legitimately worry about my weight. I didn't worry enough to do anything crazy like make any sort of significant change to my lifestyle or habits, but I did decide to drink a bottle of rum with Diet Coke instead of my usual regular sugar-packed soda. It's like when I get a fried chicken BLT with extra ranch dressing with large fries and a Diet Coke at McDonalds. At this point I'm content to use Nutri-Sweet to kill myself at a slightly slower rate. Anyway, I realized what a homo I was being with my diet coke and immediately took three shots to make up for it. Then I ripped three beer cans in half with my teeth and smashed my head into a brick wall while fucking three chicks at once that I'd just met.

That's a completely true story, except for everything that came after me drinking Diet Coke. However, I can in fact rip a beer can open with my teeth. The problem with doing so is threefold: first there's the obvious issues with damaging your teeth. The second is one you might not expect. When you stand in front of someone to do it, there's a pretty good chance you'll end up spraying your audience with the 90% backwash and 10% beer cocktail left in the can. Finally, there's the small matter of the inevitability of CUTTING YOUR FUCKING FACE WITH JAGGED METAL.

Where the fuck was I? Oh yeah, bathroom scales. Anyway, it's a proven fact that a real man has no use for a bathroom scale. However, I think I've found a use that will make you run the hell out to Kohl's to buy one right now. First, buy a nice digital bathroom scale that measures to the tenth of a pound, like this one:


Holy fucking shit, that thing looks like a landmine from the year 3146. I have a feeling the military invention that saves mankind from extinction at the hands of a robot Holocaust will look a hell of a lot like this.

Now that you have your bathroom scale / robot exploding superweapon, follow these simple steps to see why this new appliance will become completely fucking indisposable in any home where three or more guys live in close quarters.

1. Step on the scale
2. Read the number that is displayed
3. Sit on the toilet
4. Take a huge shit
5. I mean really, really huge
6. Step on the scale again
7. Subtract the second number from the first
8. Marvel in awe because you've just calculated the weight of your shit

From now on, there will be no more debating about who took the biggest shit. There will be no more discussions about how long it was, how many times is coiled around the bowl, or how consistency factors into the assessment. All questions will be put to rest by the cold, hard dildo of mathematics.

My girlfriend's parents gave her a digital bathroom scale a couple days ago as a birthday present, and I used it specifically for this purpose. Pre-shit I was 218.5 pounds, and post-shit I was 217.5. It's not particularly big, but I wasn't aiming for a record, I was just testing it out. Then she told me that our scale only goes by half-pounds, and it just rounds to the nearest one, which means the shit I took wasn't one pound, and was actually somewhere between 0.76 and 1.24 pounds. We're in the process of fixing up and moving into a new house, and while I haven't invested much money in the house yet because I'm poor as fuck, you had better believe I'll spare no expense in making sure we have only the most advanced future landmine that can accurately measure my shit to the nearest milligram money can buy.