Chicken Livers

Hello, I'm Michael Greathouse, president and CEO of Cracking Barrel Restaurants, Inc. We strive to provide all of our guests with the greatest service, hospitality, and quality of food necessary to be the best restaurant chain in the country. When you think authentic and delicious down-home country cooking, you think Cracking Barrel. That's why this summer season we're going to expand our already sizable menu to include another country favorite: chicken livers!

I don't know if you've tried chicken livers at another restaurant, or if you've never tried them at all, but let me assure you that we are the only ones to prepare ours in the most authentic homemade way possible. You may be wondering how we manage to make our livers so hard and crispy to give it its telltale flavor. Other restaurants bread and deep-fry them, but that's simply not good enough for us. We harden our chicken livers the old-fashioned way: we get our chickens really fucking drunk.

Oh sure, we could just bread and deep-fry them and call it a day, but that's not what we're about at Cracking Barrel. That's why we hand-pick the most depressed and alcoholism prone chicken our farms have to offer and funnel quality Jack Daniels whiskey down their throats from sunup to sundown. At the end of their seven-day regimen we humanely allow our animals to die a natural death by choking on their own vomit, and their scrumptious, delectable livers are free for the taking.

I've heard that Denny's cuts costs by feeding their animals Skol vodka. I'm amazed a company would sacrifice quality in the name of the bottom line. You'll never see that type of practice from Cracking Barrel, because we are a company that cares. That's why we'll guarantee that we will force small animals to ingest massive quantities of only respected brands of quality sour mash whiskey.

When I see a drunken young and virile rooster make sweet passionate love to an obese hen three times its size, I smile. When a rooster comes home to the coop drunk off its tailfeathers proceed to peck the living shit out of its mating partner because she overcooked the feed, I beam with pride. One time the chickens revolted against our farmers and outfitted their coop into a flying machine to escape us like in the movie Chicken Run. The pilot was so drunk that he crashed the coop into a tree twenty feet away. I pat myself on the back for a job well done.

When people go to Cracking Barrel they want one thing and one thing only: a commitment to excellence. This is what makes this more than a job for me. When I cause fatal cirrhosis in poor, defenseless animals, the thousands of people who work in my restaurants are more than employees, they're family.