Deadspin, the ever-popular sports blog, is running a feature during the baseball season entitled, "Why Your Stadium Sucks." The latest post picks on Nationals Park in Washington, DC and makes a strong case for why ever visiting would be a comically misguided waste of time. This feature really caught my attention, because at the bottom it says that Wrigley Field was next, and the writer of the post asked readers to send him their stories of horrible experiences at Wrigley. I am a hardcore White Sox fan who grew up a relatively short drive away from Chicago, and I believe I have the horrible Wrigley experience to end all experiences. Here is a copy of the e-mail I sent:
Let me preface this by saying that you're probably going to think I made this up just for the sake of getting on Deadspin, and I'm prematurely pissed off at you for that. Fuck you hard. Anyways, onto the story.
One of my best friends invited me and another friend to see the Cubs-Reds game on May 31st, 2006 to see Zambrano pitch. Despite both of us being White Sox fans, we obliged. It was my first time to Wrigley, and immediately upon walking in I was taken aback by how fucking offensive this place was to my eyes and nose. As you try to find your seat, it doesn't look like a baseball stadium, it looks like a giant desolate warehouse. I half expected to find the Ark of the Covenant before I found my seats, and the smell was like taking a Fantastic Voyage inside a penis.
When we got to our seats we were verbally assaulted on all sides by Cubs fans. At this point I should probably mention that my fellow South Sider friend was wearing a White Sox hat specifically for the purpose of pissing everyone off. A lesbian couple behind us made righteously indignant comments behind our backs the entire game, and two nearby guys brutally chastized us because, in their words, "Only real fans belong at Wrigley."
Eventually we drew the ire of an enormous drunk man sitting in the row directly in front of us who would be best described as the biological brother of Captain Insano from The Waterboy. Even though I wasn't the one who wore the hat, he decided to go after me, at first turning around and throwing typical drunken insults about my mother and all of the sex he's been having with her lately. I tried to ignore him and just pray he wouldn't rip my arm off and beat me with it.
When he saw he wasn't getting a reaction out of me with words, he took things to the next level by (and I swear I'm not making this part up) putting his hand on my knee and shouting, "Are you gay? You gotta be fucking gay to hang out at Wrigley Field! You're not fucking gay enough to be here, so you should leave!" Then he moved his hand farther and farther up my thigh and into my shorts while saying, "Do you like this? I'll bet you don't! You're not gay enough to be a Cubs fan, so get the fuck out of here!". I was paralyzed with sheer blinding terror, and the only thing I could do was stare forward and imagine being anywhere else but the rotting, crumbling, archaic house of horrors known as Wrigley field. Eventually Captain Insano's brother got bored with me and found an Indian guy a few rows back to yell racial insults at until he was finally removed by security.
To top it all off, the two guys who bitched at us for not being true fans left during the bottom of the 9th with the Cubs only down 3-2 to beat the traffic. I emphatically believed going into the game that this was the worst stadium and fanbase in all of sports and all of my prejudices were confirmed. The White Sox don't exactly have a model franchise or fan base, but come on. Why do Cubs fans think we should all be so impressed that the stadium is so old and has so much tradition anyway? Is it because it's from a time before stadiums were named after corporate sponsors? It's still named after fucking William Wrigley. So you're named after one insanely rich guy instead of a group of insanely rich guys? We're so impressed with you. Get fucked.
And that's the story of how I was sexually assaulted at Wrigley Field. You can call me the Gentile Golem.
I don't think they have any interest in posting anything this long, particularly from someone like me who none of them have ever heard of, so I've preserved it here so that at least one or two people can read and experience it. Again I reiterate that this definitely happened.
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