Every year, thousands upon thousands of hopeful high school graduates receive thousands upon thousands of brutal rejection letters from universities. Most of them are pretty bland "We regret to inform you, blah blah blah" type letters, but sometimes colleges get downright nasty. A couple years ago a high school friend of mine applied to Notre Dame. He knew he probably didn't have the grades, test scores, or extracurriculars to make it, but he sent and application anyway in the off chance it might work out. Notre Dame responded by sending him an extremely brutal specially made rejection letter just for him, that boiled down to, "What the fuck were you thinking even wasting our time?!?"
Well I'm not going to stand for it anymore. I'm 22 and college is almost a whole year behind me, but that doesn't mean I shouldn't strike back. I'm sick and tired of kids paying $150 for an application and poring over every single detail for days only to receive a rejection letter that will fall somewhere between thoughtless and written by a vindictive fucking asshole determined to crush an 18-year old he's never met. That's why I've decided to turn things around and write a rejection letter to Notre Dame in which I regret to inform them that I won't be attending their school. The following is a letter I actually sent to Notre Dame's admissions department:
To Whom it May Concern:
First, let me say that the following is not a decision that I made lightly. Let me assure you that I thoroughly considered every option and every aspect of my decision, talking it over at length with my friends and family, and staying up late at night wondering if I had made the right choice. That being said, I regret to inform you, University of Notre Dame, that I will not be attending your college in the upcoming fall semester.
Please do not take my decision as a personal insult against your facilities or prowess as a university, because I assure you that is most definitely not the case. I simply feel that at this time I wish to pursue my other options. My father is looking for someone to take inventory at his discount used furniture emporium, I have a great supplementary income stream hustling strangers at Golden Tee at the bar above my father’s furniture store, and I still have a promising night job as a male stripper at Broadsword’s
I understand that you have faculty and a campus that can’t be beat. I appreciate your many, many years of tradition. I have a fondness for your motto of “Life, Sweetness, Hope.” It’s all well and good, but we have a slogan of our own at Broadsword’s: “Slaying them by swinging our swords!” In this case, “Slaying” takes on a special metaphorical meaning as it refers to dazzling the crowd, while “swinging our swords” refers to my penis. This is the organization I have chosen, and you shouldn’t feel like any less of a university because of that.
Your highly respected football program almost drove me to side with you. I certainly have the physique to be a great college football player, as evidenced by the hundreds of single dollar bills stuffed into my red, white, and blue Speedo. I wouldn’t be the highest paid male stripper in the tri-county area without rock-hard washboard abs and pecs that can dance the night away, that’s for sure. However, even if I didn’t make the team, simply being in the crowd would be a truly worthwhile thrill. But again, I find my life already offers all that I need as every Sunday night I don a football helmet and entertain the ladies as Peyton Manmeat. Sometimes I team up with my friend Dontrell who performs as Donovan McSex: The Erotic Quarterblack. It’s the simple things in life that I enjoy.
So again I apologize that I will not be attending your university in the upcoming year. Attending your school would be truly wonderful, but the friends I’ve made, the family I have, opportunities that face me, and nightly occupation of wagging my flaccid member at dozens of drooling bachelorettes is too much to leave behind. I know I never technically applied to your university, and you’ve certainly never expressed any interest in my attending, but I thought informing you of my absence would still be the professional thing to do. I will shake my ass extra hard in your honor tonight.
Sincerely,
Peyton Manmeat
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