The 10 Most Awesome Intros on TV Today

How do you like the new redesign? After having this blog for over two and a half years, I finally decided to go with a layout that doesn't fucking cut off a significant portion of the embedded videos. I'm a genius. Anyways, instead of hating on everything and treating every writing opportunity like a cry for help against my myriad personal issues, I feel like being more positive today, and that means showing some appreciation for the most badass intros in television today.

10. Community



Community is a hilarious freshman series on NBC's Thursday night lineup. In my opinion it was the funniest new comedy of the fall, but it got lost in the shuffle because Glee and Modern Family were getting their dicks ridden so hard. I suggest you check it out while you still can, because CBS has The Big Bang Theory scheduled in the same time slot next fall. Community is going to absolutely crushed and cancellation is inevitable. I don't have a strong opinion on the animation of this intro, but the song absolutely rules. Most episodes didn't use the full intro. It's a shame I didn't get to hear the song as much, but it comes with the benefit of 27 more seconds of jokes, so I'll take it.

9. Weeds



Weeds used this sequence for its first three seasons. It's a shame the original opening credits were abandoned when the setting shifted away from suburbia. It's also a shame that the show became a morally reprehensible, unfunny piece of shit that wrung every last drop of relatability and redeeming value from all of its characters at the same time, but that's a topic for another day. The intro music is the classic protest song "Little Boxes," and every episode from the second and third seasons features a different cover of the song. This rap version shows how much versatility and mileage they got out of it. It's also the only fucking Youtube video of the intro that didn't have embedding disabled, so it gets face time on the blog by default.

8. Dexter



Dexter is a show about a serial killer who channels his murderous instincts into only taking out other killers. This intro sequence is really creepy and does a great job of showing how his murderous nature is always lurking just beneath the surface. This is probably the most artistically accomplished item on the list, but it's also 2 friggin' minutes long and seriously loses its impact after the fourth time you see it, and is downright annoying by season 4, so that drops it a few spots.

New Cartoon

A couple weeks ago a young woman saw one of my cartoons and decided that I was a bad racist person and that she didn't want anything to do with me. I was devastated. I'm not exactly a social butterfly, but I had no idea that I lost touch to such an incredible degree. I thought I was just having fun with my cartoons and videos and stuff, but not interacting with people enough has clearly caused me to lose perspective to the point that I have no idea what type of material is or isn't acceptable. Sometimes I don't even know who I am anymore. Where did I ever get the idea that making such racially offensive material is okay? I'm a white man. Making light of these issues that have plagued our country from the first day it was settled is wrong and irresponsible. Finding humor in the fact that we have different skin colors is the height of ignorance. I've spent a lot of time looking at myself, trying to understand where this horrific racism comes from, and figuring out a way to truly better myself.

It's with a heavy heart that I write this blog post.


Nah, I'm just fucking with you. Here's my newest cartoon. It features a man who is so black that he has his own physical gravitational pull, and by the end he will have murdered another man with a pair of breast pumps.

Facebook Fighting

I recently made Facebook friends with a couple who has a penchant for fighting on their respective walls for everyone to see. Instead of fighting in the comfort of their own homes or at least in private messages, they made their disagreements as public and detailed as humanly possible. Obviously I don't need to tell you that this type of behavior is completely fucking insane. I showed the public fights to my friends from work, and the experience inspired a work friend and I to stage a fake fight for our own personal amusement and to combat boredom. This was the result:

Me: You've got a lot of fucking nerve. And don't give me that bullshit where you act like you don't know what I'm talking about. I don't have the fucking patience for that shit.

Me: Are you going to sit there and say nothing like a little scrotum licking bitch?

Friend: I can't be sitting at facebook constantly watching for people to log on like you do. if you got a life of your own maybe what i do with mine wouldnt be so much of a problem to you.

Me: Oh, okay. Apparently eating pretzels, drinking beer, and jacking it to reruns of Charmed 9 hours a day counts as having a life.

Friend: you left those charmed dvds at my place months ago, i offered to give them back to you, but you said i could keep em. what i do with them now is my own fucking business.

Me: I also left a sandwich at your place. Are you going to start jacking off to that too?

Friend: yeah, sure, im gonna jack off to a fucking sandwich. fuck you and your fucking holier than thou sandwich, alright? im just so sick of you acting like you know how i should live my god damn life.

Me: You can live your life however the fuck you want. You can join the circus and wipe up elephant shit for all I care. Just leave my mom out of it.

Friend: we've been over this. that was only the one time and it was before i met you. how the fuck was i supposed to know your dad had just died the week before? It's not my fucking fault that (my mom's name) was looking for a good grief-fuck and fell in love.

Me: I didn't know you at the time, but I sure as fuck got to know you a lot better when you sent me a copy of the tape.

Friend: well why dont you just grow the fuck up and move out of your moms fucking house and stop opening her mail?

Me: I open her mail because I want to use the free perfume samples she gets from Avon. I want to smell nice. Pardon the fuck out of me.

Me: Oh, but getting back to the topic, I'm still totally mad about the whole sex with my mom thing.

Friend: and for the love of god, stop blowing up my fucking phone.

Me: Whatever. I'll have you know that I am moving out of mom's house because she's so pissy all the time and I can't stand being here anymore. Maybe if you were better at having sex with her she'd be in a better mood.

Friend: your mom loved it. she's pissy all the time cause i stopped having sex with her out of respect for our fucking friendship, but maybe now that youre gonna be an asshole about this shit, ill start again. then you can call me "dad."

Me: I'm out of places to take this pretend argument. You win.

Other friend who saw this on her news feed: well, that was weird...

Uwe Boll: A True Hero

If there is any one man who has garnered more hatred from gamers than Jack Thompson, it's Uwe Boll, the infamous director of video game movies. We all know that movies based on video games aren't exactly the most respected films in existence. Hell, I would go as far to say that with the exception of movies that tackle racism in the most overblown way humanly possible with all the subtlety of a fucking bulldozer and score Oscars by preying on liberal Hollywood's guilt, and movies whose titles begin with "The No" and end with "tebook", video game movies probably make up the worst genre of film in modern cinema. I thought about including a chapter in this book that was just a list of the ten worst video game movies ever made, but a quick Google search showed that I was beaten to the punch as that subject was done to death about five years ago. Considering the negative rap video game movies have and have had for years, we know going into a video game movie that it's more than likely going to suck.

Despite the fact that our expectations are immediately plummeted to rock bottom the moment we catch a whiff of the words, "based on the hit game," the video game adaptations brought to us by Uwe Boll draw such hateful, venomous responses from audiences that it appears rock bottom is a lofty goal that he could only hope to achieve. Before we get into just how hated and how villainous he is to the gaming subculture, let's get to know the man a little better.

This picture was probably not taken in Germany.

Uwe Boll was born in Germany in 1965. After studying at the University of Cologne and the University of Siegen, he earned a doctorate in literature. After completing his first two major film releases, he turned most of his energy and focus to directing movies based on video games. His first video game film was 2003's House of the Dead, followed by Alone in the Dark and Bloodrayne in 2005, In The Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale, Postal, Bloodrayne II: Deliverance in 2007, and Far Cry in 2008, in addition to an upcoming sequel in the Bloodrayne series, and he's even been flirting with original material as of late. According to popular online movie review aggregator Rotten Tomatoes, the highest approval rating one of his video game movies has ever received was 8% for Postal, while all others scored lower than 5%, meaning when his video game movies are at their most endearing, only 11 out of 12 critics dislike them.

The internet and gaming communities have had similar negative reactions to Dr. Boll's work. One angry viewer bought up the domain name Uweboll.com, which once linked to nothing but a blank white screen with the message, "please stop making movies." An online petition formed begging him to retire from working in film. At the time that I write this it has accumulated a little over 350,000 signatures. (Interestingly, he's agreed to retire if the petition reaches one million signatures.) His numerous vicious critics have made fun of the poor box office performance of his movies and the fact that they only turn a profit because of a loophole in German tax law that was designed to reward investment in German film. Also, based on the fact that he funds movies through his own company instead of through Hollywood studios, his critics have started a rumor that his movies are funded with Nazi gold, because apparently it's hilarious to imply that all Germans have deep personal ties with the Third Reich.

Ha!

That's some pretty intense hate to throw at a guy. The question I find myself asking is, what exactly is it that Uwe Boll is doing that's so wrong? Why does he deserve to be the most hated man among all gamers, and why are people actively conspiring to destroy his career? Although I'm posing these questions, let me be abundantly clear on this: I agree that his movies suck. They suck harder than the combined effort of an entire platoon of US Army specialists trained for years in the act of sucking. For the purposes of researching this chapter I watched all of his video game adaptations and felt IQ points seeping out of my ear and splattering on the floor, never to be regained again. They're so bad that the next time I'm receiving a root canal while the dentist blasts The Doors greatest hits (I fucking hate The Doors and their retarded lyrics and seven minute interludes that sound like elevator music) while a pyromaniac child burns my toes and melts my right big toenail and watches it seep down my foot and lower leg, giving me blisters all the way, I'll still smile and say "At least it isn't an Uwe Boll movie."

I'm including brief reviews of his video game adaptations to express this in more particular detail.

I ain't drunk, I swear

I hate a lot of things. I can't walk from one place to another without thinking about at least a dozen things or people that I hate. Then I hate myself for being so hateful. I literally hate my own hate. I project my hate outward and it comes back and smacks me in my own face. My hate would be like a metaphorical boomerang if it weren't for the fact that boomerangs never fucking work and never goddamn come back to you like they're supposed to, and it doesn't matter anyway because I live in a major metropolitan area so where the fuck am I going to find enough space to safely play with a boomerang? Fuck I hate boomerangs.

So with that in mind, I hope you don't take it lightly when I say that the one thing I hate more than anything else in this whole wide world is being reminded of stupid and embarrassing shit I said or did while drunk. Most of the time when I drink in a social situation, I don't do anything terribly bad. Maybe I'll make one inappropriate joke, or maybe I'll tell a girl that I think she's hot and regret divulging that, but we aren't talking about anything akin to social suicide. I'm guaranteed to do at least one stupid thing, but odds are nobody will care because my offense was incredibly minor, and somebody else drunker than me did something way worse.

However, there are times when I do truly horrible things. A few times in my life I did something so bad while drunk that to this day I still can't look certain people in the eye. One morning I woke up covered in Steve McNair's blood. And that wasn't the first time I woke up with evidence that I had murdered a former football great. True story: thanks to my alcohol use, I've killed more retired football players than diabetes. And it's because of those situations that whenever I drink in a social situation, I spend the entire next morning feeling an emotional cocktail of fear, shame, and dread. I just know the next time I see that group of people I'm going to be bombarded with all kinds of crazy, emotionally pathetic shit I did last night that I don't even remember. The few times I pieced together what happened during a blackout-fueled rampage and just a general discomfort with being seen in a state where I'm not in complete control make me genuinely scared of having so much as a six-pack even if it's stretched out over a long night.

For that reason I get extremely defensive when I'm accused of being wasted when I'm not. Last week somebody at work threw a pool party. Over the course of the whole night I had six beers. Toward the end, we were all watching a video. Somebody commented that one of the guys in the video was cute, so I instantly replied by saying something to the effect of, "Oh sure. I know I'd fuck him."

Now, anyone who knows me well knows that I say this kind of shit when I'm sober all the time, but a vast majority of people in the room didn't know me very well, and they responded with confusion, indifference, or accusing me of being wasted. Of course I began insisting that I wasn't wasted, and that never really works since by the time everyone in the room thinks you're hammered, you're going to have a really hard time convincing them otherwise, especially if you have a beer in your hand at the time. Of course after falling asleep I spent the whole morning terrified like always, and when I got to work I found out that somebody did something way worse than I did and almost nobody cared about what I did, like always.

However, I was confronted by the guy who hosted the party about my "I know I'd fuck him" comment, but this time other people who knew me well were present and vouched for me when I said that I make comments like that while sober all the time. I felt vindicated. I said something so completely stupid, embarrassing, and horribly inappropriate for the situation that somebody felt the need to confront me about it, but goddamit, I said it because I wanted to, not because alcohol made me. I didn't pathetically fall victim to alcohol. I'm this crass, rude, and off-putting all by myself. FOR SOME REASON I THINK THIS IS A VICTORY!!! WAHOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Chad Likes White Women

This is Chad Ocho Cinco getting grilled by Wendy Williams for not having enough black women on his VH1 dating show. I watched the first episode last night, and the first half hour consisted of him whittling 85 women down to 17 by having them all on a football field and eliminating them based on their looks, how well they hugged a tackling dummy, and their improvised touchdown celebrations. He would eliminate women by cutting them like they're players and he's a football coach.

I guess the first question that needs to be asked here is, "Bitch, you think black women are being disrespected by not taking part in this? Shit, really?" Beyond that, Chad made his initial cuts from 85 to 17 based pretty much entirely on how how hot he found the girls. Accusations of racism and browbeating are not going to change how his penis feels. He likes white and Hispanic chicks more. What's wrong with that? Am I a sexist against men because I'm straight?

And most importantly, I'm fucking glad that Chad likes white and Hispanic women more than black. He's extremely physically fit and still pretty young, he's a millionaire, he's a famous professional athlete, and he's oddly charming. I've got him beat in the brains department seeing as how he's one minor head injury away from falling into full-blown retardation while I solved a level 4 Sudoku once, but he's overall far more desirable to women, and the longer he stays away from black chicks, the better my chances are of wooing That's So Raven.

Someday you'll be mine

This is a post for the ladies...

A little while ago I got an attractive woman to check out my blog. Dude, fucking seriously. I'm not even making this up. It helps that I work with her and she's forced to socially interact with me whether she wants to or not, but that's neither here nor there. She finds my public access show moderately amusing, so when I told her that I have a blog she loaded it up and checked it out. She read a page or two of one of the book chapters I posted here. I mentioned that I believe that the book is good enough to publish. She then pointed out two typos that she noticed within the first 5 minutes of reading. When everyone else in the room was done laughing at me, she realized that 50% of the recent posts were about video games and lost interest.

This opened my eyes to a serious problem. 50% of all people and 8% of all successful people are women. That's a large market that I've left completely untapped. Everyone knows that the cornerstone of being successful on the internet is appealing to women. In an effort to broaden my appeal and increase this blog's viewership, this post is for the ladies. I sent my crack research team to find me pictures of things that pertain specifically to women. I'm going to talk about these pictures and I sincerely hope you'll understand by the end that I truly understand women and your gender shouldn't stop you from appreciating my work.

I'll admit that I didn't do any research on this stuff before writing this blog post because honestly, what's the point? How different could woman stuff possibly be? Deep down we're all the same. Obviously this is a stock photo of a self-defense weapon to protect against attackers. When a woman pulls back on the string and lets go, a dart or some sort of projectile fires out the front to subdue any potential mugger or rapist. It's a pretty clever device that requires only minimal munitions training to master.

For 44 out of the last 45 months I've had a girlfriend. One thing I learned from that time is that women are terrible at video games. The small screens with simple geometric shapes in the picture above makes it very apparent that this is a sort of beginner's video game that serves as a stepping stone before women try to get into Xbox. Master those red lines, ladies. You'll be blasting the Covenant in Halo in no time!

The people who sent me this picture referred to it as a female feeding collection device. Feed is a term often associated with microphones. Women are smaller than men and have softer voices and this is clearly an amplifying microphone to make sure they're heard. Everyone tells me that I have a naturally obnoxiously loud voice that carries long distances. You'd better believe I'll be picking one of these up for my next girlfriend.

I can't say I'm a fan of this thing. It's probably true that men are more into paper airplanes than women, but giving women a pre-made paper airplane model is downright condescending. I mean jeez, look at the attached wings. You think a woman can't figure out on her own that an airplane needs wings? One time I heard somebody call this thing a Blood Mop. Man, I wish the names I came up with for my paper airplanes sounded that badass.

If you leave a bag of Sweet Tarts in front of me, it's pretty much guaranteed that I'll eat all of them within a few minutes. If I was able to load my candy into a device like this and schedule my consumption of sweets, I might not have put on the freshman 15.

This is a douche. Women fucking rinse out their vaginas with it.

A Day in the Life of a Production Technician

I work as a production technician for a TV station. Fuck you, I'm not telling you which one. It is my job to operate cameras, run teleprompter, load and display graphics, set up the studio for the news, and floor direct so that the news anchors know where they need to be and when to be there. It took a long road to get here. A road paved with ass rashes.

After graduating college, I was forced to wait tables for nearly two years before I finally locked down a decent job. Maybe it was because of the economy. Maybe I should have lived in a city with a stronger job market than Cincinnati. Maybe my job searching techniques were too haphazard and disorganized. Maybe I should have cut the number of racial slurs I used in job interviews to a more sensible number. Like 3.

Whatever the reason, all that matters is I have a decent job now, and there's nothing that any filthy boomerang chucker Australians can do about it. I absolutely love my job, but they never told me how ungodly difficult it would be. I thought I understood hard work when I was waiting tables 12 hours straight without a break. You see, restaurant managers are uniquely special little flowers on God's green earth who see things a little differently than you and I. We see labor laws as a code of rules handed down from the government that carry punitive consequences if disobeyed. Restaurant managers see them as very gentle suggestions.

I thought I knew what a hard day of work felt like when I'd come home with my feet pounding, my psychological state frayed to its last nerve by the Northern Kentucky White Trash All-Stars, and an unbearable stinging pain inside my ass. Walking nonstop for 12 hours and constantly coming in and out of a hundred degree kitchen will make sweat run down your asscrack, your body parts rubbing together will rub that salty concotion into all of your sensitive skin, you will quickly be met with unbearable pain with every step, and when you get home, you will not be able to walk comfortably for the next 48 hours, so don't get out of your chair unless it's absolutely necessary.

When work is so hard that you accept blisters on your inner asscheeks as just another part of life, you think you've seen it all, but it ain't got shit on being a production technician. Let me just walk you through a typical 8-hour Saturday night shift. Remember how sad you felt when you saw Precious? I'm about to make that shit look like Ghostbusters.

3:40 - Show up at work and check e-mail

3:50 - Get on Facebook. Andy thought Once was a good movie? ZOMG ME TOO!!! I am SO giving that status a like!

4:00 - The second half of The Goonies is on AMC? Sweet!

5:00 - Shit, nothing's on TV. Hey, I have an idea! Let's take a Nerf football, throw it at a wall, and see which way it bounces off. Footballs are oblong. You never know what those crazy bastards will do next.

5:30 - Gossip time!

5:45 - Check today's MLB scores

5:50 - Time to make our way to the studio for the 6 o'clock news. Now I'll shoot the shit about sports with the other production technicians until the show starts.

6:00 - Time for the news! Here is where I set up the shot for my camera and keep it in the same place for 8 minutes.

6:08 - My camera doesn't have any shots in this next block. Time to take a poop.

6:30 - The news finally comes to an end. I had to work for a whole half hour with time for only one bathroom break. Now it's time to debate where we're getting dinner.

7:00 - Go to Panera Bread. Ten bucks will get you a cup of soup, half a sandwich, and a drink. It's a really hearty meal if you happen to be a 90-pound girl or 8 years old.

7:45 - Nap time!

9:00 - Scattergories! Friendships will be tested when someone puts "Burma" for countries starting with B. One person will insist that it shouldn't count because it's called Myanmar now and demand that a point be taken away. I die a little inside.

9:45 - Look at the wall

10:15 - Look at another wall

10:30 - Power nap!

10:45 - Remark that we really need to get to the studio for the 11 o'clock show right now.

10:54 - Get to the studio and set things up

11:14 - My camera isn't being used for the rest of the show. It's been a long day. I'm going home early.

Anal wounds have nothing on this job. Do you have any idea how much it hurts your brain to come up with Scattergories answers for the letter K? Fucking nothing starts with K. I can't believe I have to do it again tomorrow. I want to play Apples to Apples but I probably won't get to. That's some bullshit.