Boston Legal: The Lost Episodes

Boston Legal was one of my favoritest shows ever, but it was canceled by the evil executives at ABC before David E. Kelly could take on all of the hot-button issues he wanted to face. Here is an excerpt from a script that failed to make it into production before the cancellation. Here we see Alan Shore defend the freedom of a teacher whose only crime was caring about her students' education too much. Never before has a show dared to tackle the ills of the school system in such a bold way.

Bailiff: All rise for case number 310UKK2: Frizzle vs. the State of Massachusetts. The honorable Judge Farmer presiding

Judge: Please be seated. Miss Frizzle, you are charged with reckless child endangerment and sexual assault of a minor.

Miss Frizzle: Oh my!

Judge: How do you plead?

Alan Shore: Alan Shore for the defendant. We enter an immediate plea of not guilty and wish to go straight to trial.

Judge: Alright. The prosecution may ask their first question.

Brad Chase: Miss Frizzle, can you tell me about the special field trip you took your students on last Thursday?

Miss Frizzle: Well, I was continuing my series of field trips on the human body. I had so much success showing them the digestive, respiratory, circulatory, and nervous systems, and I wanted to continue that success by taking them on a tour of the excretory system!

Brad: How did you go about taking them on this tour?

Miss Frizzle: I loaded all of the students onto the bus except for Arnold, shrunk the vehicle to the size of a Tootsie Roll, and then flew the bus right into Arnold's body.

Brad: I'm confused here. What do you mean, you flew the bus into his body?

Miss Frizzle: First I showed the students a close-up view of the sphincter muscle, and then we entered the body and continued up the colon.

Brad: So you shoved a vessel full of 24 children up another child's anus?

Miss Frizzle: I frown upon that kind of naughty language.

Brad: So you don't deny that you shrunk 24 children to a small enough size that they could have been killed by a penny, and then you shoved them young Arnold's anus. That's clearly reckless child endangerment and sexual assault in their most heinous forms. What could have possibly possessed you to think this would be legal?

Miss Frizzle: It's not about rules and regulations with me, it's about learning

Brad: Dear god. Your honor, this has got to be the sickest criminal I've ever prosecuted. I recommend a hefty prison sentence, and furthermo--

Judge: Sorry to interrpt, but you standing up in the back with the glasses, I'm going to need you to sit down during the trial.

Arnold: I can't, your honor. My ass still hurts too much.

Brad: For Christ's sake, Miss Frizzle, don't you see anything potentially dangerous, immoral, or otherwise troublesome about surreptitiously entering someone else's body?

Miss Frizzle: Well, one time my bus was really slimy and I had to spend three hours cleaning it. I guess that was pretty troublesome.

Brad: Does the bus being slimy have anything to do with the sex ed class you taught last month?

(Miss Frizzle begins to speak)

Brad: Nevermind. I don't really want to know. Just... fucking.... no. I suggest Miss Frizzle be required to join the sex offender registry and sentenced to at least 30 years in prison.

Alan: Oh please. You want to lock her up? If anything she deserves a medal.

Brad: You can't be serious.

Alan: In America today, most people who enter the teaching profession are gone for good within seven years. It's getting harder and harder to find someone willing to teach at all, let alone someone who genuinely cares about what the students are learning.

Brad: She endangers and rapes children!

Alan: Did you know that only 3 out of 5 Americans can find California on a map? 3 out of 5. Only 2 out of 5 know that there are three branches of government. 2 out of 5! Only 1 out of 5 can tell you who the vice president is. These are our children. Miss Frizzle is a hero for going the extra mile, planning field trips and arranging demonstrations that make a much deeper impact than books. She's making the world a better place for our children.

Arnold: Oh god, it's bleeding again! (Runs out of courtroom)

Brad: I swear to Christ I'm quitting the law profession if one of your speeches works this time.

Alan: When I was a child in public school all that mattered was memorizing lists so we'd get high enough test scores to get more federal funding. I wish I could have been miniaturized and shoved into someone's anus!

(Judge smiles and nods his head appreciatively)

Brad: I'm fucking done. Seriously, I'm so fucking done.

Judge: Miss Frizzle, I agree with Mr. Shore's sentiments. I commend your commitment to bettering our children. I'm dropping all charges and allowing you to return to Arnold's anus anytime you wish.

Miss Frizzle: That's good, because I'm pretty sure I left my purse in there.

More fun with Omegle!

Here's more fun I've had with Omegle, and if you play your cards right, I might even show an Omegle conversation my friend had too.

Round One: Misunderstanding

Stranger: hey
You: word up
Stranger: m/f?
You: mf?
You: you just call me a motherfucker?
Stranger: male of female?
Stranger: hahah
You: I should kick your black ass for talking like that
Stranger: iz dat rite
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Verdict: Win

Round 2: Metal Gear Awesome

Stranger: Hey
You: Snake? Is that you?
Stranger: Depends on what snake u are talking about
You: I can't get my codec to work
You: Snake? SNAAAAAAAAAAAAKE?!?!?
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Verdict: Flawless Victory

Now at this point I was going to post an extremely long conversation I had in which I pretended to be a girl who barely survived an attempt by a psycho to run her car off the road. The conversation features a very long buildup to the punchline in which I tell the other person that I managed to give the police a description of the car whose driver tried to kill me. I say that the license plate said FRESH and there were dice in the mirror.

Despite what I think is an obvious Fresh Prince reference that most anyone would get, the person continued to act as if I said the most normal thing ever, which leads me to believe the person was just playing along or was merely the dumbest person in the world. Either way, the whole conversation is too boring to post in its entirety, It's likely that I didn't fool anyone, and I'd much rather post this truly epic conversation engineered by my friend Rabbit than waste more space talking about my boring labored Fresh Prince reference:

Stranger: hey
You: I am so pissed right now, dude
Stranger: aw, explain
You: Get this
You: I'm at work, right?
You: And this lady comes up to me and asks where we have the dogs (I work at a pet store)
You: I punch her in the dick and tell her to get bent
Stranger: good for you
You: And my fuckin manager comes out of nowhere and starts bitchin at ME
Stranger: woah wtf
You: Long story short I get fired
Stranger: for what!?
You: Some stupid shit
You: I don't even know what the term was
Stranger: that is fucked up
You: I know, right?
You: Such bullshit
You: This is the worst day ever
Stranger: go cock slap that bitch
You: Even worse than when I got fired from McDonald's
Stranger: oh tell me about it
You: Some kid was sassing me asking for another happy meal
You: So I throw him in the boiling oil/grease shit we use to make fries
Stranger: good, stupid sonofabitch
You: Next thing I know the kid FUCKIN MELTS
You: and ruins the batch of fries
You: and his parents have the audacity to fuss at me
Stranger: wtf not the fries
You: despite the fact that their kid was responsible for fucking up my fries
Stranger: HE RUINED THE FRIES?
Stranger: no
Stranger: inexcuseable
Stranger: unforgiveable
You: I fully agree
You: Thanks for playing along and not disconnecting immediately, hun
You: <3
Stranger: hehe<3 np
Stranger: thats what im on here for XD
(At this point it's hard to declare Rabbit the winner since although he's being hilarious, the other guy is playing along, making it very hard for this conversation to qualify as a traditional Omegle-type contest. But then Rabbit shatters expectations by busting out this eviscerating deathblow)
You: You're a fucking loser. I hope you die in one of the above incidents. Faggot.
You have disconnected.
(Suddenly we have a winner after all)

Beer Review: Hard Creamer

Internet comedy legend Seanbaby recently observed in an article for Cracked that 63% of all comments from hack would-be internet comedians invariably involve comparing something they don't like to sticking their dick into some type of whirling blades. This caused me to have a quiet moment of reflection as I realized that I've been guilty of this cyber comedy transgression more times than I can count. I've compared the pain of sitting through the preachiness of Crash to sticking my cock in a blender. I've equated wading through the turgid boredom of the average episode of Mad Men to ramming my member into a meat grinder. I've compared slogging through the generic variety starved corridors of Halo to slamming my dong into a sliding minivan door. For me changing the tool for self-induced cock injury from multiple whirling metal blades to a single slab of metal counts as mixing things up.

From that moment on I swore to try harder with my comedy. I would no longer resort to such lazy and tired comedic similies. Maybe the next time I encounter something I don't like I'll try a classier and more cultured penis-related analogy. Perhaps I'll say that it's worse than having my penis cut off and sold like Napoleon's. Maybe I'll declare that it's worse than sucking the syphilis-infested cock of Frederich Nietzsche. I might condemn a particular video game as less fun than being the penis of Louis XVI of France. I promised myself that my days of being a comedy hack who compares things to sticking my organ into spinning metal blades were over. Then, I purchased a six-pack of Hard Creamer.

Hard Creamer is another in a long line of wussy malt liquors for people who puke if they smell hard liquor and need chasers with their Bud Light. What makes this one special is that the alcohol is mixed with dairy to make it some sort of spiked cream soda. Last Thursday I picked up a six-pack for $8.29 to celebrate finishing my last day at Cracker Barrel and to kick off my two week vacation before I start my next job. To commemorate I decided to buy the silliest-looking, most ridiculous alcohol I could find. Any product with the gall to call itself *snicker* Hard Creamer seemed more than ridiculous enough for my purposes, so I picked it up along with a six-pack of MGD as a fallback option.

As I opened the first bottle of Orange-flavored Hard Creamer I was a little excited. Seeing as how I don't have a vagina and I'm over the age of 16, I pretty much never buy sugary malt liquors such as Bacardi O3, Smirnoff Ice, or Boone's Farm, but I do enjoy the rare occasions that such things are available to me, because while society requires me to project the image of an old, manly, experienced drinker in any party situation so as to avoid ridicule, there isn't anything inherently wrong with alcohol that takes like pop, and sometimes it's fun to feel like a kid again. I expected Hard Creamer to combine the diabetic shock that all of the best thick cream sodas deliver with all of the uninhibted joy that comes with 5% alcohol by volume to make for a memorable night of drinking. I raised the glass, gave an imaginary toast, took a sip...... and immediately spit it the fuck out.

Holy shit, it tasted like a cocktail of Sunkist, three cups of sugar, an entire bottle of cough syrup, a few shots of 99 Bananas, human blood, rancid expired milk, with a small sprinkling of piss. I couldn't believe a beverage that foul could ever make it past product testing and into stores. I took another sip just to make sure I didn't imagine it. This time I gagged. I tried shaking it up and taking a sip and gagged again. This is where I have to break my "No dick grinder metaphor" vow. Trying to drink that shit was like the scene in The Wall where the children are falling into the meat grinder, only instead of children falling victim to a fascist totalitarian regime, they were my penis. Every attempted sip was like my penis falling into that meat grinder over and over. I dumped out the bottle in disgust.

I did the only sensible thing and went straight for my MGD and tried to pretend that I hadn't wasted over 8 bucks on bottled cancer. After going through all six of my actual beers, I was feeling tipsy and brave, so I cracked open another Hard Creamer for round 2. Although it was still every bit as disgusting, I was drunk enough that I didn't care as much. After an hour of taking tiny sips I finally successfully finished a bottle.

The whole reason malt liquor exists is so timid drinkers can actually take in enough alcohol to get to the point that they're able to tolerate the taste of real beer and hard liquor. Hard Creamer is the first malt liquor to ever require you to get drunk off of real beer until you can stand its taste. It's the most ass-backwards product in the history of alcohol. It's like a smoke alarm that only detects smoke that emanates from wood that's already burnt to a crisp. It's like an e-mail spell checker for your sent items folder. It's like a can of mace that only deploys after you've already been raped. It's like the worst consumer product I've ever tasted in my life.

Fun with Omegle!

Omegle is a delightful website that was introduced about four months ago that pairs you up with a complete stranger and puts you in a chat. It's a lot like the dark ages of AOL. Obviously in an age where there are thousands upon thousands of internet communities dedicated to common interests ranging from the drearily banal to the completely insane, nobody is going to go to Omegle for actual conversation when a quick Google search will find you, no matter what a sick, depraved sack of shit you are, dozens of people who like the same shit you do.

In that last sentence I was going to write "Cats" in parentheses as an example of a banal interest, and "Hentai Tentacle Rape" in parentheses as an example of insanity. Then I realized that Hentai Tentacle Rape is such a played out subject of humor that nobody who reads this would find that reference shocking or insane enough to understand what I'm trying to convey. My point is the internet has made us so at peace with our inner freakishness and communities have united under common interests so fucked up that the average person would have read that sentence and said, "Japanese cartoons about tentacles raping women? Ho-hum. Come back when you have something truly bizarre to talk about."

As you can see, nobody is so fucked up, so singular, and so isolated that they can't find someone on the internet to talk about common interests with. That's why nobody would ever legitimately use Omegle, and that's why 99.4% of all of its users are people trying to fuck with the person on the other side. For this reason Omegle has surpassed the shit out of anything Sony, Nintendo, or Microsoft could bring me and has become my new favorite game. Here's the deal: treat every Omegle conversation like a game, and treat the person you're talking to like an opponent. Here's the rules:

How to win:
-Say something so random and fucked up that you get your opponent to disconnect out of horror or disgust
-Convince your opponent to actually believe the ridiculous shit you say
-Get them to leave by legitimately pissing them off
-Leave the conversation because you find their antics boring

How to lose:
-Concede to your opponent that they're funnier/more obnoxious/most disgusting than you
-Have your opponent leave because they find YOU boring
-Actually get angry. Anytime you actually get angry at the internet you fail.
-Believe a single word that comes out of their mouths

These are the rules that determine if you win or lose, but the most important rule is to never back down or feel bad about what you're saying. Anyone who turns to Omegle for real advice, conversation, or emotional support only has themselves to blame for the consequences, and if they claim to be depressed or seeking a friend you're probably falling into the brilliantly devised gambit of a truly seasoned Omegle Grandmaster.

I got drunk and played the game for the first time a couple nights ago. As you may have guessed, "You" is me, and "Stranger" is my opponent. Here's how I fared: (I will cut in and narrate in a couple key spots)

Round 1: "Gentile Golem: Australian for Win"

Stranger: hi 19/male/usa looking for a naughty girl \
You: I sucked off a kangaroo once
You: The child was in the pouch watching but I didn't care.... lol
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Verdict: Win

Round 2: "The Plot Thickens"

Stranger: hii
You: yo
Stranger: how re u
You: you could drive a John Deere through my anus after the gangbanging I took
(Here I attempt the "Shock and Awe" gambit, expecting my opponent to be immediately driven away by a quick and decisive anal sex reference)
Stranger: ohh okay
Stranger: are u girl??
You: I used to be, but now I'm a woman
(At this point I believe this comedy writer-type snappy comeback tipped my cap that I was not actually a girl who just lost her anal virginity)
Stranger: )
Stranger: ohh
Stranger: ı wish ı fucked u first
Stranger: how ol re u?
You: The first to fuck me was my dad
You: are you my dad?
You: be honest
(Backed against a wall with defeat imminent, I desperately try to shock my opponent with a incest-rape trump card. He is unfazed.)
Stranger: noo
Stranger: ı am not your dad
Stranger: )
Stranger: can ı fuck u
Stranger: ı want to fuck your vagina
Stranger: and your ass
Stranger: )
Stranger: ıwant tooo
You: I've been out-trolled
You: congrats to you
You have disconnected.
(I graciously admit defeat)

Verdict: Loss

Round 3: "A Special Hanukkah Episode"

Stranger: sexy tiiiiiiiiime
You: You a jew?
You: If you're a jew, disconnect now
Stranger: hellllllllll naw
You: good
You: now cybersex may commence
Stranger: lol
Stranger: wtf
You: I wanna stick my dreidel in all your holes
You: at once
Stranger: doooooo it
You: Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, I stuck you in this guy's ass
You: Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, this fun will never pass
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Verdict: FLAWLESS VICTORY

And my first night of Omegling ends with a 2-1 lifetime record. It's not a great start, but it's something to build on. I'll bring you more highlights as I sharpen my skills.

Crapstick Doodle Episode 14

Boink!

1. This video actually directly pertains to the current #1 movie in the country. Holy shit, it has potential to get as many as 200 hits!

2. Yes, I know the verbal similarity between "Negro" and "Knee Grow" isn't exactly untapped comedic ground, but I'm relatively confident this is the first time it's been used in this context. Is this because I'm an original comedy genius, or is the idea simply so fucking stupid and strained that no talented people have bothered to come up with it?

3. Totally the second one

4. I lied when I said last Friday was my last day at Cracker Barrel, but this time I'm 100% sure Thursday will be the last day I work there. I will then launch into a few weeks of self-imposed unemployment in order to visit my family, move into my newly purchased house with my girlfriend, and just generally take some time off to find some direction and somewhat get my shit together. But before any of that, I'll celebrate my unemployment by getting really hammered on Thursday on a variety or ridiculous drinks I've never had before. I'll definitely be buying a pack of Hard Creamer, and I'll try at least one Irish beer that requires a knife and fork in order to be consumed, and I demand suggestions for what else I should buy.

5. In keeping with watching shows from the 90's and early 00's that were canceled after one season, I blew through The Tick as well as The Dana Carvey Show. The Tick is pretty good. However, it's not quite as good as Action, and nowhere near as good as the fanboys calling for the ritualistic suicide of Fox executives who killed the show would have you believe. The characters are pretty awesome, particularly the sexy latino sensation Batmanuel, who is played by none other than the guy who plays Richard Alpert on Lost, but they just aren't given that many amazingly hilarious things to do. I'd give it a 7.5/10, where I was glad I watched it, but knowing it was canceled and I'll never see those characters again didn't make me want to punch walls until my hands bleed like it did with Action.

6. As for The Dana Carvey Show, it captures the spirit of Saturday Night Live: Fresh, hilarious, imaginative sketches that don't outwear their welcone, and eight shitty sketches that take an idea that wasn't that great to begin with and proceed to pound it into bloody submission for each of the good ones. You also can't feel too bad that the show was killed after 8 episodes when you consider that the opening sketch of the first episode (which followed Home Improvement) featured Bill Clinton breastfeeding puppies. I couldn't come up with something more off-putting if I was fucking trying to get a show canceled. It's interesting to watch just to see what the hell Stephen Colbert and Steve Carell were doing before The Daily Show, as they're regular cast members on this show, but I'd recommend staying the hell away for the most part.

7. For those of you keeping track at home, I just cricized someone else's comedic work in the same blog post in which I posted a comedy video where a black man gets irrationally angry, fucks a white woman, and cooks crack. No tired, offensive stereotyping here.

8. I know it's just a movie, and looking at it won't make me instantly die in real life, but I still get a little weirded out by looking at pictures of the Basilisk.

9. I finally saw Bill Maher's Religulous today, and while I see what people are saying about him beating up on easy targets and overall not saying many new or interesting things, I think his point about how terrifying it is that religious people are looking forward to the end of the world is right on, particularly since we actually have the means to end the world if we really try. Just yesterday at work a few people were discussing the (bullshit) theories that the world will end in 2012, and a hardcore Christian girl told me her theory that on December 21st, the flames of the sun will expand outward and engulf the entire surface of the planet in fire, and the end times will begin, and she told me this with the genuine excitement of a child on the day before Christmas. I'm still a little afraid to talk to her again.

10. It's obvious who Harry and Ron are in this cartoon, but I have no idea who the kid sitting next to Demetrius is supposed to be. He's whatever the Harry Potter universe's equivalent of Wedge Antilles is.

CSD Episode 13

Talking incessantly about myself and stupid videos I make as if I'm the imaginary subject of an Onion AV Club interview is pretty much my favorite thing to do. So let's go! 10 facts!

1. This is based on my best friend in high school. Anytime I expressed even the slightest annoyance with anything, be it a word, song, noise, insult, or I didn't like the way he'd flick my ears in study hall, he'd make sure to rub it in my face as much as possible, usually in front of as many witnesses as possible. One time I went completely ballistic and attacked him, punching him in the face and stomping on his balls as many times as I could, and after I was physically removed, I spit on him too. Yeah, we aren't friends anymore.

2. I know it seems like a ridiculously fast and extreme reaction to resort to shooting someone just for being annoying for two minutes, but imagine spending six years in close vicinity with someone who's so obnoxiously insecure that his only goal in life is to piss you off and humiliate you as much as possible. As far as I'm concerned, fatal gunshot wounds aren't extreme enough.

3. I (obviously) don't have much experience with drawing, but that orgasm face that Murph makes has got to be the creepiest thing I've ever committed to a screen.

4. I thought I invented the work cockwheel, and I was very disappointed that a Google search netted me 1,450 results.

5. While we're on the subject, I think it's time we come together and admit that inventing compound words involving "Cock" is no longer clever or edgy. According to Google, Cockwheel gets 1,450 matches, Cocksmuggler pulls 615, Cocktard gets 1,940, Cocksnuggler gets 192 results, and in a search that completely blew my mind, a search for Cockplatypus greeted me with 216 fucking results.

6. Everything I just recounted above perfectly encapsulates why I feel so completely overwhelmed whenever I make a serious effort to create something truly comedically unique and special. What the fuck could I possibly have to say about sex and relationships that hasn't already been said by the tens of thousands of comedians out there? Everytime I log onto Youtube I find a new 8-member sketch comedy group I've never heard of, where each member is individually funnier than me, and those guys will be toward the bottom of the totem pole in view counts. I just Googled the main joke in the next video I'm working on and pulled 30,600 results. For Christ's sake, I'm the 217th person in the world who thought of the word Cockplatypus. How can originality even exist anymore?

7. Gonad the Barbarian: 8,540 results

8. Tomorrow will most likely be the last day I work at Cracker Barrel. What exciting career opportunities shall I pursue next? Well, I'm going right the fuck back to the job I had before.

9. Youtube is trying to be cool and do the Hulu thing. Aside from letting you watch new episodes of shows whenever you want, arguably the most badass feature is letting you watch the entire series of awesome shows that dickbag (40,400 results) TV executives cancelled after the first season. I've torn through Action, The Tick, Andy Barker P.I., and The Dana Carvey Show. Go to this link right now: Action Episodes and watch all of them. Even if you hate Jay Mohr, and I'm pretty sure 98% of all Americans do, you'll think it's awesome. How the fuck a show that filthy and ruthless ever got on a major network is beyond me. Action is like Entourage if it was made by the most hateful human being on Earth. Peter Dragon makes Ari Gold look like a Care Bear.

10. Jailtracker is an internet database of 33 correctional facilities in the state of Kentucky. Fortunately, my county is on the list, and that lets me look up the arrest records and mugshots of everyone I work with who has a record, which is all of them. Yesterday I managed to make a girl who's served time for DUI, reckless driving, resisting arrest, and assault completley hate my guts. When the fists start flying at work tomorrow, I'll have two options: Get my ass kicked by a mentally retarded waitress who's half my size, or defend myself, get arrested, and find myself sucked into the vortex that is the white trash penal system. Either way, I'm in for quite a shitty day.

How I lost a delicious free meal

My girlfriend and I live a half hour away from her parents' house, and she makes regular visits there. It's not to see her parents, brother, or childhood friends, it's to see her fucking dog. Frankie the dog is a small black hyperactive mutt that's shaped vaguely like a giant meatloaf. She'll regularly abandon me to visit the little bastard. The conversations go like this when she tells me she's making a visit (Please note that this is a word-for-word transcript and in no way exaggerates my sweetness or prowess as a boyfriend):

Me: I'm so excited that neither of us have to work tonight and we have the opportunity to bask in our mutual love. I've cooked a luxurious smoked salmon dinner for us. I plan for us to enjoy it by candlelight. Afterwards, we'll watch a Katherine Heigl movie of your choosing that I will view without complaint. Then we'll move the action to the bedroom for a carnal encounter in which I will selflessly pleasure you for hours and expect nothing in return.

Girlfriend: I'm visiting Frankie tonight!

Me: FUCK

Her affection for the dog has reached levels that go miles beyond the realm of inexplicable. One time she told me that Frankie is completely adorable when she poops. She then went on to describe the motions and position the dog takes when she expels her waste. It took all of the restraint contained within my body to keep from vomiting as she graphically described the wonders of a dog taking a shit.

I already have a dad who enjoys the company of his dog more than me, and going 0 for 2 against a species whose daily agenda involves 2 straight hours of asshole licking is too much to bear, so I've taken a decidedly hostile attitude toward her fucking dog, hence my equating the dog to a meatloaf, and hence the existence of this blog post. It came to a head when she entered Frankie in her workplace's cutest dog contest.

This particular contest had two categories: adult and puppy. Frankie doesn't usually photograph very well. My girlfriend blames this on a variety of excuses such as the color of the dog's fur, flash photography being unflattering, and the dog making unphotogenic facial expressions. I blame it on the dog not being as cute as she thinks it is. To solve this dilemma my girlfriend used an admittedly adorable picture of Frankie as a puppy and entered it in the puppy division. She ended up winning the puppy division and the grand prize of a $10 Subway gift card.

I looked at all of the other entrants and realized that Frankie won the contest by default. I'm not exaggerating when I say that bears have shit cuter things than the other entrants. Based on the pictures I agree that Frankie deserved to win the contest, but I took issue with the fact that the picture that my girlfriend submitted was multiple years old.

You see, I argued that the dog was completely misrepresented by submitting an old picture, and winning the cutest puppy contest with a dog that hasn't been a puppy in years is clearly tantamount to cheating. I argued that if a fully adult Frankie is allowed to win a cutest puppy contest based on an old picture, these are true as well:

-Raquel Welch should be in Maxim's Hot 100 based on photos taken of her in 1967

-Ernest Borgnine is a lock for at least 4 Kids' Choice Awards this year

-Len Bias should be inducted into the Professional Basketball Hall of Fame sometime soon

-Mark Spitz and Michael Phelps should have a race sometime in the next month to establish who is the greatest

-Brad Pitt should sign a lucrative modeling deal with Huggies

After relentless taunting and disparaging remarks about how she won her contest through cheating, she finally got fed up and told me she was planning on sharing her gift certificate with me, but now I was shit out of luck. In a world where morality and decency are pimped out and forced to suck upon the cock of the wicked, a fresh and delicious Chicken Bacon Ranch is the price I paid to stand up for my beliefs. Damn you, Frankie! Damn you to hell!