CSD Episode 13

Talking incessantly about myself and stupid videos I make as if I'm the imaginary subject of an Onion AV Club interview is pretty much my favorite thing to do. So let's go! 10 facts!

1. This is based on my best friend in high school. Anytime I expressed even the slightest annoyance with anything, be it a word, song, noise, insult, or I didn't like the way he'd flick my ears in study hall, he'd make sure to rub it in my face as much as possible, usually in front of as many witnesses as possible. One time I went completely ballistic and attacked him, punching him in the face and stomping on his balls as many times as I could, and after I was physically removed, I spit on him too. Yeah, we aren't friends anymore.

2. I know it seems like a ridiculously fast and extreme reaction to resort to shooting someone just for being annoying for two minutes, but imagine spending six years in close vicinity with someone who's so obnoxiously insecure that his only goal in life is to piss you off and humiliate you as much as possible. As far as I'm concerned, fatal gunshot wounds aren't extreme enough.

3. I (obviously) don't have much experience with drawing, but that orgasm face that Murph makes has got to be the creepiest thing I've ever committed to a screen.

4. I thought I invented the work cockwheel, and I was very disappointed that a Google search netted me 1,450 results.

5. While we're on the subject, I think it's time we come together and admit that inventing compound words involving "Cock" is no longer clever or edgy. According to Google, Cockwheel gets 1,450 matches, Cocksmuggler pulls 615, Cocktard gets 1,940, Cocksnuggler gets 192 results, and in a search that completely blew my mind, a search for Cockplatypus greeted me with 216 fucking results.

6. Everything I just recounted above perfectly encapsulates why I feel so completely overwhelmed whenever I make a serious effort to create something truly comedically unique and special. What the fuck could I possibly have to say about sex and relationships that hasn't already been said by the tens of thousands of comedians out there? Everytime I log onto Youtube I find a new 8-member sketch comedy group I've never heard of, where each member is individually funnier than me, and those guys will be toward the bottom of the totem pole in view counts. I just Googled the main joke in the next video I'm working on and pulled 30,600 results. For Christ's sake, I'm the 217th person in the world who thought of the word Cockplatypus. How can originality even exist anymore?

7. Gonad the Barbarian: 8,540 results

8. Tomorrow will most likely be the last day I work at Cracker Barrel. What exciting career opportunities shall I pursue next? Well, I'm going right the fuck back to the job I had before.

9. Youtube is trying to be cool and do the Hulu thing. Aside from letting you watch new episodes of shows whenever you want, arguably the most badass feature is letting you watch the entire series of awesome shows that dickbag (40,400 results) TV executives cancelled after the first season. I've torn through Action, The Tick, Andy Barker P.I., and The Dana Carvey Show. Go to this link right now: Action Episodes and watch all of them. Even if you hate Jay Mohr, and I'm pretty sure 98% of all Americans do, you'll think it's awesome. How the fuck a show that filthy and ruthless ever got on a major network is beyond me. Action is like Entourage if it was made by the most hateful human being on Earth. Peter Dragon makes Ari Gold look like a Care Bear.

10. Jailtracker is an internet database of 33 correctional facilities in the state of Kentucky. Fortunately, my county is on the list, and that lets me look up the arrest records and mugshots of everyone I work with who has a record, which is all of them. Yesterday I managed to make a girl who's served time for DUI, reckless driving, resisting arrest, and assault completley hate my guts. When the fists start flying at work tomorrow, I'll have two options: Get my ass kicked by a mentally retarded waitress who's half my size, or defend myself, get arrested, and find myself sucked into the vortex that is the white trash penal system. Either way, I'm in for quite a shitty day.