Fun with Omegle!

Omegle is a delightful website that was introduced about four months ago that pairs you up with a complete stranger and puts you in a chat. It's a lot like the dark ages of AOL. Obviously in an age where there are thousands upon thousands of internet communities dedicated to common interests ranging from the drearily banal to the completely insane, nobody is going to go to Omegle for actual conversation when a quick Google search will find you, no matter what a sick, depraved sack of shit you are, dozens of people who like the same shit you do.

In that last sentence I was going to write "Cats" in parentheses as an example of a banal interest, and "Hentai Tentacle Rape" in parentheses as an example of insanity. Then I realized that Hentai Tentacle Rape is such a played out subject of humor that nobody who reads this would find that reference shocking or insane enough to understand what I'm trying to convey. My point is the internet has made us so at peace with our inner freakishness and communities have united under common interests so fucked up that the average person would have read that sentence and said, "Japanese cartoons about tentacles raping women? Ho-hum. Come back when you have something truly bizarre to talk about."

As you can see, nobody is so fucked up, so singular, and so isolated that they can't find someone on the internet to talk about common interests with. That's why nobody would ever legitimately use Omegle, and that's why 99.4% of all of its users are people trying to fuck with the person on the other side. For this reason Omegle has surpassed the shit out of anything Sony, Nintendo, or Microsoft could bring me and has become my new favorite game. Here's the deal: treat every Omegle conversation like a game, and treat the person you're talking to like an opponent. Here's the rules:

How to win:
-Say something so random and fucked up that you get your opponent to disconnect out of horror or disgust
-Convince your opponent to actually believe the ridiculous shit you say
-Get them to leave by legitimately pissing them off
-Leave the conversation because you find their antics boring

How to lose:
-Concede to your opponent that they're funnier/more obnoxious/most disgusting than you
-Have your opponent leave because they find YOU boring
-Actually get angry. Anytime you actually get angry at the internet you fail.
-Believe a single word that comes out of their mouths

These are the rules that determine if you win or lose, but the most important rule is to never back down or feel bad about what you're saying. Anyone who turns to Omegle for real advice, conversation, or emotional support only has themselves to blame for the consequences, and if they claim to be depressed or seeking a friend you're probably falling into the brilliantly devised gambit of a truly seasoned Omegle Grandmaster.

I got drunk and played the game for the first time a couple nights ago. As you may have guessed, "You" is me, and "Stranger" is my opponent. Here's how I fared: (I will cut in and narrate in a couple key spots)

Round 1: "Gentile Golem: Australian for Win"

Stranger: hi 19/male/usa looking for a naughty girl \
You: I sucked off a kangaroo once
You: The child was in the pouch watching but I didn't care.... lol
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Verdict: Win

Round 2: "The Plot Thickens"

Stranger: hii
You: yo
Stranger: how re u
You: you could drive a John Deere through my anus after the gangbanging I took
(Here I attempt the "Shock and Awe" gambit, expecting my opponent to be immediately driven away by a quick and decisive anal sex reference)
Stranger: ohh okay
Stranger: are u girl??
You: I used to be, but now I'm a woman
(At this point I believe this comedy writer-type snappy comeback tipped my cap that I was not actually a girl who just lost her anal virginity)
Stranger: )
Stranger: ohh
Stranger: ı wish ı fucked u first
Stranger: how ol re u?
You: The first to fuck me was my dad
You: are you my dad?
You: be honest
(Backed against a wall with defeat imminent, I desperately try to shock my opponent with a incest-rape trump card. He is unfazed.)
Stranger: noo
Stranger: ı am not your dad
Stranger: )
Stranger: can ı fuck u
Stranger: ı want to fuck your vagina
Stranger: and your ass
Stranger: )
Stranger: ıwant tooo
You: I've been out-trolled
You: congrats to you
You have disconnected.
(I graciously admit defeat)

Verdict: Loss

Round 3: "A Special Hanukkah Episode"

Stranger: sexy tiiiiiiiiime
You: You a jew?
You: If you're a jew, disconnect now
Stranger: hellllllllll naw
You: good
You: now cybersex may commence
Stranger: lol
Stranger: wtf
You: I wanna stick my dreidel in all your holes
You: at once
Stranger: doooooo it
You: Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, I stuck you in this guy's ass
You: Dreidel, dreidel, dreidel, this fun will never pass
Your conversational partner has disconnected.

Verdict: FLAWLESS VICTORY

And my first night of Omegling ends with a 2-1 lifetime record. It's not a great start, but it's something to build on. I'll bring you more highlights as I sharpen my skills.