Boston Legal: The Lost Episodes

Boston Legal was one of my favoritest shows ever, but it was canceled by the evil executives at ABC before David E. Kelly could take on all of the hot-button issues he wanted to face. Here is an excerpt from a script that failed to make it into production before the cancellation. Here we see Alan Shore defend the freedom of a teacher whose only crime was caring about her students' education too much. Never before has a show dared to tackle the ills of the school system in such a bold way.

Bailiff: All rise for case number 310UKK2: Frizzle vs. the State of Massachusetts. The honorable Judge Farmer presiding

Judge: Please be seated. Miss Frizzle, you are charged with reckless child endangerment and sexual assault of a minor.

Miss Frizzle: Oh my!

Judge: How do you plead?

Alan Shore: Alan Shore for the defendant. We enter an immediate plea of not guilty and wish to go straight to trial.

Judge: Alright. The prosecution may ask their first question.

Brad Chase: Miss Frizzle, can you tell me about the special field trip you took your students on last Thursday?

Miss Frizzle: Well, I was continuing my series of field trips on the human body. I had so much success showing them the digestive, respiratory, circulatory, and nervous systems, and I wanted to continue that success by taking them on a tour of the excretory system!

Brad: How did you go about taking them on this tour?

Miss Frizzle: I loaded all of the students onto the bus except for Arnold, shrunk the vehicle to the size of a Tootsie Roll, and then flew the bus right into Arnold's body.

Brad: I'm confused here. What do you mean, you flew the bus into his body?

Miss Frizzle: First I showed the students a close-up view of the sphincter muscle, and then we entered the body and continued up the colon.

Brad: So you shoved a vessel full of 24 children up another child's anus?

Miss Frizzle: I frown upon that kind of naughty language.

Brad: So you don't deny that you shrunk 24 children to a small enough size that they could have been killed by a penny, and then you shoved them young Arnold's anus. That's clearly reckless child endangerment and sexual assault in their most heinous forms. What could have possibly possessed you to think this would be legal?

Miss Frizzle: It's not about rules and regulations with me, it's about learning

Brad: Dear god. Your honor, this has got to be the sickest criminal I've ever prosecuted. I recommend a hefty prison sentence, and furthermo--

Judge: Sorry to interrpt, but you standing up in the back with the glasses, I'm going to need you to sit down during the trial.

Arnold: I can't, your honor. My ass still hurts too much.

Brad: For Christ's sake, Miss Frizzle, don't you see anything potentially dangerous, immoral, or otherwise troublesome about surreptitiously entering someone else's body?

Miss Frizzle: Well, one time my bus was really slimy and I had to spend three hours cleaning it. I guess that was pretty troublesome.

Brad: Does the bus being slimy have anything to do with the sex ed class you taught last month?

(Miss Frizzle begins to speak)

Brad: Nevermind. I don't really want to know. Just... fucking.... no. I suggest Miss Frizzle be required to join the sex offender registry and sentenced to at least 30 years in prison.

Alan: Oh please. You want to lock her up? If anything she deserves a medal.

Brad: You can't be serious.

Alan: In America today, most people who enter the teaching profession are gone for good within seven years. It's getting harder and harder to find someone willing to teach at all, let alone someone who genuinely cares about what the students are learning.

Brad: She endangers and rapes children!

Alan: Did you know that only 3 out of 5 Americans can find California on a map? 3 out of 5. Only 2 out of 5 know that there are three branches of government. 2 out of 5! Only 1 out of 5 can tell you who the vice president is. These are our children. Miss Frizzle is a hero for going the extra mile, planning field trips and arranging demonstrations that make a much deeper impact than books. She's making the world a better place for our children.

Arnold: Oh god, it's bleeding again! (Runs out of courtroom)

Brad: I swear to Christ I'm quitting the law profession if one of your speeches works this time.

Alan: When I was a child in public school all that mattered was memorizing lists so we'd get high enough test scores to get more federal funding. I wish I could have been miniaturized and shoved into someone's anus!

(Judge smiles and nods his head appreciatively)

Brad: I'm fucking done. Seriously, I'm so fucking done.

Judge: Miss Frizzle, I agree with Mr. Shore's sentiments. I commend your commitment to bettering our children. I'm dropping all charges and allowing you to return to Arnold's anus anytime you wish.

Miss Frizzle: That's good, because I'm pretty sure I left my purse in there.