Me: I'm so excited that neither of us have to work tonight and we have the opportunity to bask in our mutual love. I've cooked a luxurious smoked salmon dinner for us. I plan for us to enjoy it by candlelight. Afterwards, we'll watch a Katherine Heigl movie of your choosing that I will view without complaint. Then we'll move the action to the bedroom for a carnal encounter in which I will selflessly pleasure you for hours and expect nothing in return.
Girlfriend: I'm visiting Frankie tonight!
Me: FUCK
Her affection for the dog has reached levels that go miles beyond the realm of inexplicable. One time she told me that Frankie is completely adorable when she poops. She then went on to describe the motions and position the dog takes when she expels her waste. It took all of the restraint contained within my body to keep from vomiting as she graphically described the wonders of a dog taking a shit.
I already have a dad who enjoys the company of his dog more than me, and going 0 for 2 against a species whose daily agenda involves 2 straight hours of asshole licking is too much to bear, so I've taken a decidedly hostile attitude toward her fucking dog, hence my equating the dog to a meatloaf, and hence the existence of this blog post. It came to a head when she entered Frankie in her workplace's cutest dog contest.
This particular contest had two categories: adult and puppy. Frankie doesn't usually photograph very well. My girlfriend blames this on a variety of excuses such as the color of the dog's fur, flash photography being unflattering, and the dog making unphotogenic facial expressions. I blame it on the dog not being as cute as she thinks it is. To solve this dilemma my girlfriend used an admittedly adorable picture of Frankie as a puppy and entered it in the puppy division. She ended up winning the puppy division and the grand prize of a $10 Subway gift card.
I looked at all of the other entrants and realized that Frankie won the contest by default. I'm not exaggerating when I say that bears have shit cuter things than the other entrants. Based on the pictures I agree that Frankie deserved to win the contest, but I took issue with the fact that the picture that my girlfriend submitted was multiple years old.
You see, I argued that the dog was completely misrepresented by submitting an old picture, and winning the cutest puppy contest with a dog that hasn't been a puppy in years is clearly tantamount to cheating. I argued that if a fully adult Frankie is allowed to win a cutest puppy contest based on an old picture, these are true as well:
-Raquel Welch should be in Maxim's Hot 100 based on photos taken of her in 1967
-Ernest Borgnine is a lock for at least 4 Kids' Choice Awards this year
-Len Bias should be inducted into the Professional Basketball Hall of Fame sometime soon
-Mark Spitz and Michael Phelps should have a race sometime in the next month to establish who is the greatest
-Brad Pitt should sign a lucrative modeling deal with Huggies
After relentless taunting and disparaging remarks about how she won her contest through cheating, she finally got fed up and told me she was planning on sharing her gift certificate with me, but now I was shit out of luck. In a world where morality and decency are pimped out and forced to suck upon the cock of the wicked, a fresh and delicious Chicken Bacon Ranch is the price I paid to stand up for my beliefs. Damn you, Frankie! Damn you to hell!
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