One oft-used phrase that annoys the shit out of me is, "We can put a man on the moon but we can't (insert problem that one would like solved here)." The idea is to juxtapose a grand human achievement with a failure at a relatively simple task. I could apply the same logic and say, "The military has developed advanced artificial intelligence, but we can't get video game characters who try to get out of the way of bullets?" It's two very different things and it's a stupid comparison to make, especially since video game companies don't have trillions of dollars of taxpayer money to work with.
So I understand that there's a good reason why so many computer-controlled allies in video games are half-retarded, but that isn't going to stop me from bitching about them anyway. Here are the 5 dumbest-assed AI allies of all time, but first we've got honorable mentions.
Apparently driving Warthogs like Mr. Magoo on acid and standing in the open and getting blown away are parts of Space Marine training.
Natalya (Goldeneye 007, N64)
She’s one of the most brilliant hackers in the world, but she doesn’t fucking understand that standing in front of James Bond as he’s in the process of firing a gun is a bad idea
At some point in this game you will have to complete a mission where a computer controlled character drives a car. Their waypointing will go through a wall, they will crash into a wall, reverse, drive into it again, and repeat the same process over and over, they will never try driving around the wall, you will have to restart the mission, and you will throw your own poop in frustration.
-Fallout 3 Allies (Xbox 360, PS3, PC)
Any benefits their assistance adds is ruined by the way that they engage anything within a half mile of you and bring you into all kinds of conflicts that you would rather just avoid. It’s like walking back to the dorms in college with a belligerent drunk friend who wants to start shit with everyone they see.
And now, the top 5:
5 - Grove Street Gang Members (PS2, Xbox, PC)
That’s an awesomely scary prospect. My mother raised me to fear gangs. Despite the fact that I’m a 23-year old adult, even now she’ll freak out if she catches wind of me coming anywhere near a high-crime area. She’s convinced that if I ever do so much as drive in a bad neighborhood for a couple minutes, the gang members will instantly swarm my car, pull me out, and beat and stab me to death, and then they’ll probably sell my car for scrap to get their next crack fix. I know gang violence is a very real thing, and walking alone in the middle of the night in a bad neighborhood is like signing my own death warrant, but to my mom, gang members are essentially the zombies from 28 Days Later with knives and guns.
The recruitable gang members in San Andreas are like the ridiculous monsters of my mom’s gang-related fantasies times a hundred. The second you try to take them out to take over some territory, they’ll start firing indiscriminately in the general direction of any rival gang member with no regard for what might be between their gun barrels and the guys they’re trying to make dead. Going around or shooting over obstructions will never occur to them and as such, cars, cops, buildings, walls, or your own tender body will be immediately riddled with holes if they happen to be in the wrong place. Because of their tendency to attract huge amounts of police attention by wantonly killing cops, and their penchant for blowing up cars that you’re standing right next to, these guys are more of a liability than they’re worth, and you’re much better off going it alone. It seems weird to say that bringing backup into a gang war is a bad idea, but we’re talking about a group of guys that make the Michael Douglas character from Falling Down look like a calm, quiet, and well-behaved member of society.
4 - Tails (Sonic the Hedgehog 2, Sega Genesis)
Unless you remember to go to the options menu first, Tails the two-tailed fox will follow you everywhere in Sonic the Hedgehog 2, perfectly mimicking your actions. Most of the time Tails is merely worthless and annoying. He’ll jump immediately after you jump, he’ll go where you go, and he’ll act like he deserves credit for hitting enemies a second time. His tendency to get credit for hitting an enemy after someone else has already readily taken them down on their own makes him the Ray Lewis of gaming.
Also infuriating is the way that he brings absolutely nothing to the table despite the ability to fly. The power of flight could open up a whole world of possibilities in helping Sonic defeat the forces of evil, but when Tails is controlled by the computer, he’ll stay grounded 98% of the time. I like to think he does that just to be a dick.
Admittedly, Tails can be helpful in putting a second hit on a boss in the unlikely event of him staying alive for longer than ten seconds, but that’s more than counterbalanced by the fact that when he’s tagging along, bonus levels are fucking impossible. Anytime Sonic jumps, he and Tails will switch place and Tails will get in front and take all of the rings that rightfully belong to Sonic. What a greedy bitch. The rings that Tails collect count towards your total, but anything he’s holding is as good as gone because it’ll only be a matter of time before he moronically runs head first into a giant spike trap and loses it all. Tails is like King Midas, only everything he touches turns into shit instead of gold.
3 - Boomer (SOCOM: US Navy Seals, PS2)
If you were ever in chorus or band in school, you know that the object is to do your part right without fucking up or calling special attention to yourself, and hopefully the output will be greater than the sum of its parts. If there was one member of the group who felt a need to show off how much more talented he is by playing extra loud or fancy notes, or by singing louder and doing more exaggerated hand gestures than everyone else, he’d be a distracting presence that completely fucks up the performance. He will call attention to himself when everyone is trying to blend in, and he’ll effectively ruin everyone else’s work. Age that kid a couple decades, put him through military training, give him a gun, put him in a squad, and that kid becomes Boomer.
Let’s say you’re trying to complete a mission in a stealthy manner. Now is the time to stay quiet, be smart, and play your assigned role. There’s no need for anyone to break out and be a hero because you’re in control of the situation. Faster than you can say “Semper Fi,” Boomer will charge out into the open, guns blazing, giving away your position and ruining any element of surprise you tried to gain. Most operatives with any semblance of cognitive capacity see this situation as a time to stay hidden because it’s the best way to complete the mission as well as keep you and your friends alive. Boomer disregards all of that and sees this only as an opportunity to prove how fucking awesome he is. It’s enough to make you wonder if he’s actually a military trained operative at all and not a cancer patient with an intelligence-sapping brain tumor and being part of a military squad is his Make-A-Wish.
2 - Sheva Alomar (Resident Evil 5, Xbox 360, PS3, PC)
Capcom added this mysteriously light-skinned African character to the fold to make you feel better as you go on a black people murdering rampage through the villages of Kijuju. Whether you want her or not, you're stuck with her "helping" you through the entire journey. The way she wantonly wastes your limited supplies makes you wonder how she could ever survive a childhood in
More savvy gamers quickly realized that Sheva shares John Woo's approach to bullet conservation, and tried stripping her of all her guns and exclusively using her as a pack mule to carry extra weapon clips and first aid kits. Their ingenuity was rewarded with Sheva charging at them and wasting an entire hospital's worth of first aid to fix the first minor bump the player contracted. If you asked her to kill a fly buzzing around your house, she would probably set a giant pile of hundred dollar bills on fire to attract it, and drop a dozen priceless crystal chandeliers and faberge eggs on the area to try to crush the fly. As long as it's precious and valuable, she will gladly waste the shit out of it.
Let's put it this way: For lengthy stretches in Resident Evil 4, you had to accompany a petite, helpless teenage girl with absolutely no fighting skill, and everyone who has played both games unanimously agrees that Sheva is the more cumbersome partner by far. Fuck you, Sheva. You’re the reason why I’m glad that God doesn’t let black people go to heaven.
1 - Dom (Gears of War 1 and 2, Xbox 360)
Dom is the brother-in-arms of series protagonist Marcus Fenix. He is good at exactly two things: shouting about his wife and getting killed. The guys at Epic games should be sued for false advertisement on account of the Gears of War cover art showing Marcus brandishing a gun, because I swear shooting enemies is only a secondary gameplay element to reviving Dom because he got his stupid ass killed again. Dom spent so much time mastering the art of getting killed that anything else that might have been important to learn (shooting straight, getting on the right side of cover, keeping allies safe, not being a fucking terrible soldier, etc.) went by the wayside.
However, Dom is something special in the realm of terrible friendly AI. It’s certainly infuriating to see him get repeatedly killed because of such brilliant acts as running headfirst into bosses a hundred times his size, charging toward a platoon that has him outnumbered to a ridiculous degree, and hiding on the wrong fucking side of a wall. It’s worsened because you absolutely have to risk your life to revive him. If you fail to revive him, it’s game over, so forcing yourself into extreme danger because of easily avoidable mistakes made by Dom is a frustrating inevitability. However, even that isn’t enough to make him the worst. A computer-controlled ally moronically getting himself in danger and forcing you to bail him out is most definitely not a trait exclusive to Dom. He occupies the number one spot on this list because he’s a selfish fucking asshole.
Gears of War is an overall excellent game series, but few things piss me off more than getting taken out and slowly bleeding to death because Dom is too fucking busy to be troubled to help you out. For every one time you need a shot of that magical revival drug, Dom will need 12, but no matter how many times you save him, he won’t show a goddamned inch of gratitude. Until he’s done shooting at whatever he’s shooting at, he won’t even bother to glance at his best friend who’s bleeding to death at his feet. Most decent human beings would prioritize saving their friend over anything else, especially since reviving someone only takes about two seconds. Dom is not a decent human being. He is a shitty ally and he probably rapes puppies. Fuck him.
So there you have it. I'm not going to hold up the lunar landings as evidence that all of these AI problems should be rectified, but I had to give voice to my frustration.
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