How to Play Tic-Tac-Toe

To the average, untrained eye, Tic-Tac-Toe seems like a game that's way too simple to have any kind of discernible strategy. After all, it's a game commonly played by toddlers. There's only 9 squares to work with, and odds are virtually every single time you've played against someone else it's ended in a tie. This blog is here to show you that sometimes there's more than meets the eye. While the game hardly matches the complexity of chess, you'll see that thought can be involved, and a strategy to winning exists. If you follow these simple steps, you will never lose a game of Tic-Tac-Toe in your life.

Step 1:
The first step is as simple as challenging someone to a game. For this exercise, we'll be taking on Susan. Whoever goes first has a distinct advantage. There isn't really a set protocol for who gets to go first other than taking turns when you play multiple games. We're in a sporting mood, so we'll let Susan go first for this game.

Step 2:

Susan has opted to start in a corner. Most players start in the center, but there's nothing terribly wrong with starting in this way. It probably goes without saying, but if you decide to start in a corner, it doesn't matter which one you choose.

Step 3:

Now it's our turn. We're going to put our O in the center. It is by far the most versatile space on the board because the center square can be a part of 4 different winning rows, while the corners can only be part of 3, and the middle sides can only be in 2. This move should allow us to open up our game and give us a variety of options.

Step 4:

Susan has gone for the opposite corner. Most people aggressively attack and try to make a row right off the bat, but she appears to be setting up something more devious. We need to be careful as we plot our next move.

Step 5:

We'll go ahead and choose another corner because those are the second-most versatile spaces. As it stands right now, we have the advantage because we have more possibilities to win than Susan, who has yet to even string two spaces together.

Step 6:

Drat! Things have taken a turn for the worse. Susan has been planning this all along, and we find ourselves in a bad spot. She is set up to win in two different ways, and we're only able to block one on our next turn. We have to put a circle in the middle left or middle bottom spots for a block, but she'll certainly choose the other and win. If you're as committed to winning this game as I am, there's only one choice.

Step 7:

Stab Susan in the neck with your pencil. If you hit the carotid artery just right, she should be spraying a small fountain of blood. Odds are she's panicking and as a result she's thrashing about and getting blood on everything. Don't worry. She should bleed out in a couple minutes.

Step 8:

Good job! You've avoided losing at Tic-Tac-Toe, but you aren't done yet! You've got a murder to cover up. What you're going to want to do now is smear her blood all over the piece of paper you've been using to play the game and write, "THIS IS WHAT YOU GET, BITCH!" in the blood.

You have now pinned the murder on the Tic-Tac-Toe Killer. Susan is his newest victim. The Tic-Tac-Toe Killer is a real serial killer who's traveling the country, and he's surprisingly open to taking credit for other peoples' kills. I've pinned at least 6 murders on him myself.

Step 9:

You're almost there. Now all you have to do is complete the planted evidence with the Tic-Tac-Toe Killer's trademark: semen. Pull your pants up, you silly goose. If you plant yours at the scene you might as well hand the cops a written confession while you're at it. You need to get some from an illegal Mexican who isn't in the police database. Getting some actually isn't as hard as it sounds. I know a guy who can get it for you real cheap. I'll be in touch.

Step 10:

Congratulations! You're still undefeated at Tic-Tac-Toe! Take a bow, champ. You've earned it!