6 old-school TV vehicles in which you're likely to get raped

If there's one thing that made TV from the 60's, 70's, and 80's awesome, it was huge colorful vehicles as iconic as the people who drove them. Unfortunately, watching these vehicles kick ass also came with the knowledge that we should probably stay far away from them if we saw anything that even remotely resembled them in real life. Much in the same way that the characters on Friends realistically couldn't possibly keep their enormous New York City apartments or jobs when they hang out in a coffee shop all fucking day, TV isn't real, and there's a good chance if you hung around these vehicles for too long without a gun, taser, pepper spray, or a particularly burly friend, getting sodomized or sexually humiliated in some way by a flabby caped vigilante psycho and his hotpants wearing male nubile teenage companion is really the only inevitable result. (Did I just give away which car is #1? I'll give you a clue: It's the Batmobile)

6. The A-Team Van

Why in the world would I think any rape could possibly happen in this vehicle? It's just a large black windowless van owned and operated by these guys:

In the back we've got Howlin' Mad Murdoch who was declared legally insane and spent the first four seasons of the show living in a mental institution, on the right we have B.A. Baracus, a perpetually angry, screaming, violent man, in the front we've got Hannibal, a man donning a creepy smile and black gloves, and on the left we've got Faceman, a guy who looks as much like a pedophile as someone could possibly look without being photographed with his dick actually inside a kid. I see nothing suspicious about this group. Sorry to have wasted your time.

5. The General Lee

This is the car that brought the Duke boys all kinds of wacky southern fried tomfoolery and adventure. If you're like me and the only knowledge you have of what happens in the deep south is based on Deliverance, you know that families you come across in the backroads of the area are the most likely to be evil chainsaw murderers and sodomizers. You also know that the more southern they are the more evil they are, and you can't get much more southern than painting the fucking Confederate flag right onto your car. Oh, and don't expect to be saved by the police when you're thrown screaming into their trunk. The Duke boys are apparently pretty good at outrunning the cops.

4. The truck from BJ and the Bear

BJ and the Bear was a show about a trucker who traveled the country with his monkey in tow in search of women in distress. Look, I'm not particularly knowledgeable about the restrictions and regulations that trucking companies put on their employees, but I'm almost 100% sure that keeping your monkey, who is liable to get curious and start fucking with dials and levers at the drop of the hat, in the cab is a huge goddamn no-no. That means it's pretty obvious that the oddly deranged looking man in the picture giving a thumbs up killed the real Billie Joe McKay on the northbound Interstate 25 and buried his body somewhere in the state of New Mexico and stole his truck and identity. Suddenly his behavior of drifting from state to state in search of women in peril looks like exactly what you'd expect a rapist psycho like him to do. That truck has a huge trailer, and that means a lot of space to string up bodies and do as he pleases with them. Thinking about how the monkey is involved in his twisted games is making me a little sick, so it's time to move on.

3. The Partridge Family Bus

This bus belongs in the same category as BJ and the Bear, as we should well know that drifters who travel the country in colorful modes of transportation are never to be trusted. It's even worse that we're dealing with a family here. There was another family that drifted from place to place too. It was the Manson family.

2. The Mystery Machine

Large windowless van? Check. Drifting from place to place without any apparent home to speak of? Check. A cast of characters that would never be friends under normal circumstances? Check. Implied rampant hallucinogenic drug use among them? Check. A dog food eating hippie who talks to his fucking dog? Check. Blood-curdling terror for any traveler unfortunate enough to lie in their wake? Double fucking check.

1. The Batmobile

Just look at that picture and tell me that anything but non-consensual sodomy is going to happen there.