One of the other writers on Drew's coattails is Christmas Ape, real name Michael Tunison. He was a writer for the Washington Post until he revealed his identity on KSK and was immediately fired for being associated with such a godless piece of internet tomfoolery. Ape's main contribution seems to be a Hines Ward character that is an offensive Asian stereotype. The entire joke is taking normal conversation and switching the L's and R's around. "I will run a flea flicker" becomes "I wirr lun a frea frickel." Rinse and goddamn motherfucking repeat.
This is Pittsburgh Steelers wide receiver Hines Ward. He was born in South Korea. Isn't that the most hilarious thing you've ever heard?!? He's Asian! I mean, what's up with that??? There's barely any Asian people in the world.I was okay with leaving Ape alone because he isn't hurting anyone, and you have to have at least a little respect for his commitment to dick jokes which is so strong that he was willing to lose a job with a newspaper with daily circulation over 650,000 just to make them. Also, his tiresome and painfully unfunny Hines Ward character is balanced out by his frequently hilarious Ben Roethlisberger character. Unfortunately, I can leave him be no longer. As as 12-part series he's doing rundowns of all 12 NFL playoff teams, and his take on my Indianapolis Colts made me throw up in my mouth just a little bit. I'll just post the most egregious parts and what I have to say about them. Hopefully by the end of this we'll learn that having ungodly extreme hatred for something can be funny when you actually have a reason.
If you find yourself confronted with an NFL postseason without a rooting interest and unmoved by Don Cheadle soliloquies, you must draw from the well of that most powerful of human emotions. Ok, well, lust probably won’t do here. But the second most powerful, hate, will serve as a fine proxy. This is one in a series of posts filled with bile, spleen, vitriol and all-around nastiness toward all the teams involved with the sordid roundelay we know as the NFL Playoffs.
People sure do like to think about sex, huh? Ha ha ha. You're promising an angry hate-fest from a young, enraged man, but it's in the writing style of a college essay about F. Scott Fitzgerald. After the introduction Ape follows by posting a Youtube video of a shitty white boy rap group from Indianapolis and uses it as evidence for his broad sweeping assumptions about what a piece of shit city Indy is. This is great logic, because we know that Indianapolis is the only place in the entire world that has stupid white kids who think they can rap.
Let me wrap it up be saying Colts fans are cordially invited to shut the fuck up about Peyton being MVP. “Oh, he performed pretty well at times after holding off on getting surgeries he should have had earlier in the off-season!” Die.
I don't know where all of these bragging Colts fans are. I know I don't go up to people and troll internet forums about how awesome I think it is that Peyton Manning is MVP. I talk about it a lot on forums because people call me out and say stupid shit like "Chad Pennington deserves MVP more than Manning" and I have no choice but to argue back, but we're really not assaulting people with gloating over it. By the third time you can start to act like you've been there before.
Speaking of Pey-Pey, expect yet another chastising of the O-line should Indy fall to San Diego Saturday night.
Yet another? You make it sound like this is a weekly occurrence. Sorry, but a 30-second clip from one postgame press conference doesn't encapsulate a man's entire personality, you cunt.
Peyton long ago joined the Favraro Club of getting a free pass from the media to act as much a sniveling dicksmack as he likes and never get called out on it (fitting as he and Favre will each retire with one ring).
Yeah, he's such a sniveling dicksmack. Maybe he'll do a Favre-like attention whoring annual retirement contemplation medley 4 or 5 years from now, but for now all Peyton Manning really does is obsessively pore over game film until 2 in the morning and practice. He doesn't have enough of a life or interact with other humans enough to cause any trouble or snivel or smack dicks.
Could you imagine what the reaction would be if, say, McNabb did that? He’d be reamed by every sportswriter in America.
Yeah, could you imagine that? Boy, that'd be a big deal. This is a great point because Manning, who is arguably the best quarterback in the NFL and de facto offensive coordinator of his team criticizing the play of some of his teammates is the exact same thing as a wildly inconsistent quarterback like McNabb doing that.
You would think the football public would immediate gravitate to liking the Pats’ biggest rival but we can’t. Because you’re just that fucking annoying.
Why aren't people all across the country abandoning their hometown teams for the Colts because they're the rival of an unpopular team? Why in the world aren't 49ers fans taking an active rooting interest in games the Colts play against the Titans? It must be because they're fucking annoying. Get fucked, Christmas Ape.
Luckily you got rid of a home field that was actually difficult to play in, not that you have any home games this postseason.
Yeah, the Colts who went 6-2 at home played horribly in their new stadium. Still, that second part is a really sick burn. We're the five seed in the playoffs. Ouch, good one. We started the season 3-4 and went on a 9-game winning streak. We're feeling really fucking raw about how the regular season went for us, aren't we? You're so good at hating, Ape.
If you find yourself confronted with an NFL postseason without a rooting interest and unmoved by Don Cheadle soliloquies, you must draw from the well of that most powerful of human emotions. Ok, well, lust probably won’t do here. But the second most powerful, hate, will serve as a fine proxy. This is one in a series of posts filled with bile, spleen, vitriol and all-around nastiness toward all the teams involved with the sordid roundelay we know as the NFL Playoffs.
People sure do like to think about sex, huh? Ha ha ha. You're promising an angry hate-fest from a young, enraged man, but it's in the writing style of a college essay about F. Scott Fitzgerald. After the introduction Ape follows by posting a Youtube video of a shitty white boy rap group from Indianapolis and uses it as evidence for his broad sweeping assumptions about what a piece of shit city Indy is. This is great logic, because we know that Indianapolis is the only place in the entire world that has stupid white kids who think they can rap.
Let me wrap it up be saying Colts fans are cordially invited to shut the fuck up about Peyton being MVP. “Oh, he performed pretty well at times after holding off on getting surgeries he should have had earlier in the off-season!” Die.
I don't know where all of these bragging Colts fans are. I know I don't go up to people and troll internet forums about how awesome I think it is that Peyton Manning is MVP. I talk about it a lot on forums because people call me out and say stupid shit like "Chad Pennington deserves MVP more than Manning" and I have no choice but to argue back, but we're really not assaulting people with gloating over it. By the third time you can start to act like you've been there before.
Speaking of Pey-Pey, expect yet another chastising of the O-line should Indy fall to San Diego Saturday night.
Yet another? You make it sound like this is a weekly occurrence. Sorry, but a 30-second clip from one postgame press conference doesn't encapsulate a man's entire personality, you cunt.
Peyton long ago joined the Favraro Club of getting a free pass from the media to act as much a sniveling dicksmack as he likes and never get called out on it (fitting as he and Favre will each retire with one ring).
Yeah, he's such a sniveling dicksmack. Maybe he'll do a Favre-like attention whoring annual retirement contemplation medley 4 or 5 years from now, but for now all Peyton Manning really does is obsessively pore over game film until 2 in the morning and practice. He doesn't have enough of a life or interact with other humans enough to cause any trouble or snivel or smack dicks.
Could you imagine what the reaction would be if, say, McNabb did that? He’d be reamed by every sportswriter in America.
Yeah, could you imagine that? Boy, that'd be a big deal. This is a great point because Manning, who is arguably the best quarterback in the NFL and de facto offensive coordinator of his team criticizing the play of some of his teammates is the exact same thing as a wildly inconsistent quarterback like McNabb doing that.
You would think the football public would immediate gravitate to liking the Pats’ biggest rival but we can’t. Because you’re just that fucking annoying.
Why aren't people all across the country abandoning their hometown teams for the Colts because they're the rival of an unpopular team? Why in the world aren't 49ers fans taking an active rooting interest in games the Colts play against the Titans? It must be because they're fucking annoying. Get fucked, Christmas Ape.
Luckily you got rid of a home field that was actually difficult to play in, not that you have any home games this postseason.
Yeah, the Colts who went 6-2 at home played horribly in their new stadium. Still, that second part is a really sick burn. We're the five seed in the playoffs. Ouch, good one. We started the season 3-4 and went on a 9-game winning streak. We're feeling really fucking raw about how the regular season went for us, aren't we? You're so good at hating, Ape.
No comments:
Post a Comment