Mr. Johnson: Guys, I'll tell you what! There's nothing I love more than perfect Kentucky weather with my family. Riding bikes with you is such a joy! It's never lost on me how lucky I am to have you.
Mrs. Johnson: We love you too, honey!
Timmy: Dad is awesome!
Susie: Go dad! Go Johnson family!
Mr. Johnson: Nothing can go wrong today!
(Weather suddenly gets a degree and a half colder)
Timmy: Dad, what just happened?
Susie: I'm scared!
(A single slightly unpleasant looking cloud rolls in)
Mrs. Johnson: Oh Jesus Christ! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!! It's going to happen! It's really going to happen! We're going to get snowed on!
Mr. Johnson (Abruptly slaps his wife): Calm the hell down, woman! I don't ever want to hear you say the "S" word again! It's too fucking horrible to think about, let alone say out loud!
Susie: Daddy, what's snow?
Mr. Johnson (Slaps little Susie in the face so hard that half of her head is covered with a large throbbing red handprint): What did I just say? We never talk about it!
Mrs. Johnson: Honey, the pain is too great for one man to bear. It's time to finally come clean about what happened.
Timmy: It's okay dad, I think I'm ready.
Mr. Johnson (Draws a long, deep breath): I was there for the light five minute flurry of 1991. A lot of good men were slightly inconvenienced on that day! I was driving when the horror began. The roads were so slick that my car slid for literally two seconds when I stopped at a red light. (Screams in terror)
Mrs. Johnson: You very briefly lost control of your car and sat there helpless as your car skidded at a completely non-dangerous speed? My god, I never knew it could be such a terrifying ordeal!
Susie: Daddy, I'm.... I'm sorry
Mr. Johnson: I can only thank god it's over. My family, my lovely family, I'm so sorry I flew off the handle like that. Perhaps you now understand my pain. Oh well, it won't snow today, I just know it. I think we were worrying a little too much about the 'ol weather cooling off. (They all laugh, but their revelry is interrupted by the sudden appearance of snow so light that it wouldn't even bother the Wicked Witch of the West)
Timmy: NO!! OH JESUS NO!!!
Susie: MOMMY!! DADDY!! HELP ME!!!!!
Mrs. Johnson: WHAT DO WE DO? WHAT IN THE HELL DO WE DO?
Mr. Johnson: RUN FOR SHELTER! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!
(Frozen with despair, Timmy looks up and a snowflake lands in his eye)
Timmy: AH!! OH JESUS CHRIST, A SNOWFLAKE FELL IN MY EYE!!
Mr. Johnson: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
Mrs. Johnson: NOT MY BOY, NOT MY PRECIOUS, SWEET LITTLE BOY!!
Timmy: Oh god, oh god, oh god. I read in Popular Mechanics for Kids that snowflakes have slight trace amounts of dirt in them. THAT CAN'T POSSIBLY BE GOOD FOR MY EYE!!
Mrs. Johnson: Susie, get away from your brother! He's infected!
Timmy: It's over for me. SAVE YOURSELVES
(Mr. Johnson pulls out a huge Bowie Knife)
Mr. Johnson: HYAAAAAAAAAGH!!!(He drives the blade into Timmy's skull, instantly killing him)
Mrs. Johnson: HOW COULD YOU???
Susie: What's that red stuff coming out of Timmy's head?
Mr. Johnson: I did it for his own good. He was gone as soon as the snow touched his eye. I just sped up the process.
(The snow suddenly stops. The surviving family members lay on the ground panting for five minutes before regaining their composure and standing up)
Mrs. Johnson: We handled that a lot more calmly and rationally than I thought we would.
Mr. Johnson: Yeah, seriously.
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