The Madden Curse

You see these guys? They're Pittsburgh Steelers safety Troy Polamalu and Arizona Cardinals receiver Larry Fitzgerald. They're on the cover of this year's edition of Madden. Look at their fucking faces. Look at them hard. Commit the image to your memory, because those faces are going to look like tenderized hamburger in about 6 weeks. Remember the shape of their perfectly sculpted bodies, because they're going to look like starving Rwandans after they get their fucking teeth knocked out and have to drink ribeye steak through a straw. Remember how gracefully they run, because by week 9, their knees will shatter like a champagne glass in the presence of a Castrati chorus singing Party all the Time. Open your ears because I'm about to squirt a Hershey shit of truth in there: These two are going to get fucked by the Madden Curse.

What is the Madden Curse, you ask? It's the mysterious cosmic evil force that causes every Madden cover athlete to either suffer a serious injury or suffer an otherwise extremely disappointing season after appearing on the cover. Ray Lewis failed to record a single interception the year he was on the cover. How fucking terrible does a linebacker have to be to not get even one pick? It's almost as embarrassing as all of those seasons where Deion Sanders failed to get so much as a single sack.

The only logical explanation for Madden cover athletes being more prone to injury is a magical curse. Think about this: 8 out of the first 9 cover athletes were either running backs or running QBs. These players get tackled more than anyone else on the field. That means they're the toughest. The coach wouldn't assign them to a job where they get tackled all the time if they weren't the toughest players on the team. For these players to get injured in the process of getting hit hundreds of times could only be the work of a curse.

You want more proof of the Madden Curse? For the first eleven annual Madden games, John Madden himself appeared on the cover. He's fat, for the past 30 years he's only been able to find work one day a week 5 months out of the year, and on the rare days that he actaully does find work, he finds the work so miserable that he resorts to drawing penises to amuse himself.


You poor, poor, man.

Don't even get me started on how rare it is for a player's production to drop off after having a breakout season. That never happens in football. I hope you love the living shit out of the big fat checks you cashed for appearing on the Madden cover, Troy and Larry. Troy, when you're injecting nutrients into your ass because Willis McGahee crushed your esophagus, and Larry, when you have Dr. House verbally berating his staff for not being able to figure why your testicle exploded, I hope you realize how much you really sacrificed to get that money. If you guys get hurt, it'll be because of the curse and definitely not because you play the most violent sport in America, and it's statistically proven that over half of all NFL players get injured every season, and curses and magic aren't real, and people who bring up the goddamn fucking Madden Curse every year are goddamn fucking dipshits.