Harry Potter is the most respected, heroic, stalwart, and capable boy in the entire wizard world. Don't believe me? Here is a list of just a few of his exploits over the 160 minutes of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince:
-Over the course of the movie he takes interest in two girls he finds attractive, only to do absolutely nothing about it and wait for them to make the first move.
-He spies on a classmate that he suspects of wrongdoing, only to completely blow his cover, get hit with a paralyzing spell after his ass gets found out, and then get his face stomped on.
-He tries to use magic to fight off an attacking horde of Gollums, and when he finds that his magical ability is hilariously worthless, he resorts to punching them.
-Appears on a movie poster that, were we not familiar with the character and series, would look like a poster for a terrible suspense flick about a young serial killer:
Evil comes in all shapes and sizes. Homicidal Patient 6: Killing in a theater near you-Not once but twice he gallantly charges at his enemies like he's Don Quixote and he's about to kick the shit out of some fucking windmills, and not once but twice the villains immediately slap him down with their hard, throbbing black wands. As the bad guys look over his writhing and helpless body, they decide he's such a worthless sack of mouse turds that pointing a wand at him and saying two words to invoke the death spell isn't worth the effort, so they just leave.
-He hides under some floorboards and just fucking watches a bunch of bad wizards murder his mentor.
-In the only instance in the entire film of him actually being useful, he forces an old delirious man to drink something he doesn't want to drink. This act of heroism puts him on par with anyone who has ever worked as a nurse.
-He makes a little bit of light come out of his wand. I need $1.50 worth of batteries to do this, but Harry Potter can do it for free. I guess he has this slight edge over me, but I can ask girls out on dates.
-With the help of a magical potion that completely guarantees success at whatever you attempt, Harry successfully get one of his teachers drunk and procures information............... that turns out to be completely worthless, since Dumbledore fucking already knew it anyway.
-He passes Potions class with the help of the wizarding equivalent of a Nintendo book of cheat codes.
It's a proven fact that the people of the wizarding world of Harry Potter are a bunch of complete and total gaping pussies. Most of them are so afraid of Voldemort, a wizard responsible for the deaths of thousands of people, that they're terrified of even saying his name. Listen to me, you wand-toting gaggle of fucking nancies: us muggles aren't afraid to say the name of Adolf Hitler, a guy who's responsible for a thousand times more deaths. We're so badass that Mel Brooks made The Producers, a movie that features tons of Hitler-related comedy, less than 25 years after World War II.
Also, we didn't lose our edge as the years wore on. As evidenced by all of the O.J. Simpson-related jokes on late night TV in the mid-90's, we think a beloved athlete and former American hero cutting his white wife's head off is HILARIOUS. That's how fucking hardcore we are. But even by the pussisized standards of the wizard world Harry Potter is an utter failure of a hero.
By the sixth movie I think the dark wizards came to this same realization as well, because the first five movies were all about Lord Voldemort trying like hell to kill Harry Potter, while the sixth movie is all about attempts to kill Dumbledore. With the exception of one run-in with water creatures that try to kill anyone who gets close to them regardless of fame, nobody seems to give even half a shit about killing Harry. He can't get murdered by dark wizards even if he tries. He's all like "Here I am! Come get some! If I die during the fight, so be it!" and the dark wizards just leave out of boredom.
It reminds me of a couple months ago when my parents' house was robbed by a couple heroin junkies looking for shit to pawn to pay for their next fix. They stole various things, including a flat screen TV and all of my mom's jewelry, but my enormous pile of VHS movies, retro video game consoles, and my totally sweet tie collection went untouched. One the one hand I'm glad that my shit wasn't stolen, but on the other I'm bummed that not even desperate penniless heroin junkies thought my shit was worth taking. So while I feel Harry Potter's pain to a certain extent, I still think he's a fucking loser and the single most overrated hero in contemporary literary history. Also, the actor who plays him is woman-sized.
Final score: 1.4/10
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