Banker: Oh man, oh man, oh man. If I show up late one more time the boss is going to grab me by the back of my suit, dunk my head into a deep-fryer, feed my breaded skull to his Rottweilers, ask his mentally retarded son to fuck the neck hole where my head should be, then tape the whole thing and sell it online. Well hell with that, I'm not going to die as jerk off candy for the human-flesh-eating-retard-corpse-fucking fetishists. Just because I once said I'd be okay with getting raped to death by a turbo-charged vacuum cleaner doesn't mean I don't have any standards! Okay, beamer. Give it all you got!
(Banker revs the engine as hard as he can. An upcoming traffic light turns yellow, and abruptly turns red before the banker gets within 20 feet. He slams on the brakes.)
Banker: FUCK! This light takes like five minutes! This is FUCKING BULLSHIT
(A homeless Japanese man approaches the stopped car.)
Hayao: I see potential customer!
Banker: For the love of god, please fuck off. I don't want girls' panties out of a vending machine, or videos of girls getting fucked by tentacles, or whatever else you Japanese freaks do.
Hayao: Why you so mean? I was once important man!
Banker: What, were you once an award winning cinematographer for bukkake films?
Hayao: I am Hayao Nakayama, former CEO of Sega. Did you know I was man who invented blast processing?
Banker: What the fuck is blast processing? Is that bukkake terminology for how to perfectly edit the moment where the jizz firsts blasts out?
Hayao: No, no, no, silly American. When we used blast processing in Sonic the Hedgehog, we made it so that the animations of everything except for Sonic stopped, so it looked like Sonic was moving really, really, really fast. Isn't that so cool?
Banker: So let me get this straight: you fucking made everything else stop and claimed it was a technological advancement? What the fuck did you do next? Did you make a lamp that turns off and brag that it has advanced blackout capabilities? That's the biggest crock of shit I've ever heard.
Hayao: You just like board of directors that vote me out of CEO job. When the Dreamcast come out, I think smart, they think stupid. They try to sell it as just gaming system.
I try to sell it as hyper-advanced multi-purpose tool. Not only is it gaming system, it is also white paperweight, blunt object for fighting home invaders, it open up to give you drink tray, you do bicep curls to get bigstrong and have much women, kids throw it to each other to have happy fun time catch game, it have orange light that dazzle stoned teenager, and you shove it down pants to prevent sad no fun rape. I had brilliant marketing strategy:
Banker: That sounds just fucking awful.Hayao: Americans like you no appreciate Japanese efficiency because you have such excess and so much space. The reason why so much Japanese porn involve shitting into mouth is because so much population density force us to reuse.
Banker: My god, I never realized how ignorant I was. I always thought Japan was full of sick, creepy motherfuckers. I apologize for failing to understand. (Extends hand in friendship.)
Hayao: I just kidding. We do that because poopmouth give us much boner.
Banker: Oh. Fuck you. Why in god's name won't this light turn green?
Hayao: While you here, I offer you item I am selling.
Banker: *Sighs* Fuck it, why not. Show me what you've got.
Hayao: Behold!
I offer it now only thirty dollar!
Banker: That's a huge pink dildo. Why would I buy that?
Hayao: It not dildo! It weapon to prevent mugging! It toy prop for child to play lightenedsaber fight! It is can be used to replace broken table leg! It plug hole in leaky ceiling!
Banker: You're so completely full of shit. It's blatantly obvious that the only intended purpose for that thing is to anally or vaginally pleasure people for sexual reasons. I am so disgusted with you and the conversation we have had together that I am actually now looking forward to being murdered and having my corpse raped by a child with Down's Syndrome. I am going to spend the rest of my car ride beating myself in the head with the tire iron I have stored in my trunk in hopes that I'll be able to damage my brain just enough to forget that this entire exchange ever happened. I do not believe in god, but I now plan on having a full-blown conversion to Christianity just in the off-chance that god is real and he'll send your sick ass to hell and have Satan flog you with a whip made of 12 razor blades so that your sick bukkake loving ass can spend all of eternity in horrific, searing pain. I hope you, all your friends, anyone who was ever friends with you, and anyone who has ever shared a kindly exchange with you gets dumped in acid and has to watch as their skin burns off and they die the most agonizing death imaginable just because the failed to see what an awful, simpering, disgusting piece of shit you are!
Hayao: (Pauses for ten seconds) You really know how to haggle. Twenty dollars and I'll throw in free lube.
Banker: Deal!
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