I Saw a Terrible the Paper Today

As you may know, I'm a regular poster on GameFAQs.com's NFL message board. Obviously the best place to go for great football talk is a video game website. Anyway, I've regularly posted there under the name Timmy Big Hands (if you know what that's a reference to, I love you) for a year until I was banned and now I go by Phelptron9000. In a recent user poll I came in a very close second place for the honor of Poster of the Year. The initial vote actually tied and it had to go to a tiebreaker. What can I say, fifteen year olds love me.

Why this is relevant is one day on the board, the user Person of Doom intended to make a topic titled "I saw a terrible mock draft in the paper today," but he had a brain fart of most epic proportions and he ended up writing "I saw a terrible the paper today." As a result, "Terrible the Paper" almost instantly became a meme on the board. People would call ESPN magazine a terrible the paper when it printed things they disagreed with, and users would prank call sports radio shows and say things like "This radio sucks. Terrible the paper is way better."

In a more recent development, some of the message board users have started a website called Terrible the Paper, featuring fake Onion-type football news stories. I've contributed two stories so far, both of which are coincidentally about Brett Favre, because I either hate the man or I'm madly, disgustingly in love with him. I really can't tell. Whenever a story I write is posted in Terrible the Paper I'm going to post it here as well, and I'll also shamelessly steal the good stuff written by other people as well. So without further ado, here's a TtP story I wrote a few months ago while Brett Favre was making his annual big fucking crybaby deal about whether he'll retire for good or not. It's a little stale now, but it'll be all the more relevant at the end of this season when he does the same goddamn thing again. Enjoy the poop jokes:



BREAKING NEWS: Brett Favre Seriously Considers Taking a Shit



Green Bay, WI - Brett Favre, legendary quarterback and almost certain hall of fame selection, set off a firestorm of media speculation when he announced that he is "seriously contemplating" taking a dump.

"I've always had a passion for pooping," the former Packer said, "Sometimes I squeeze out big 'ol bricks when Raisin Bran plays a prominent role in my diet, and other times I squirt a Hershey typhoon when Deanna makes some good 'ol down home Jambalaya, but while the consistency and quantity change, my love of the bowel movement had never wavered."

Favre has been known for publicly contemplating taking a shit for years. "Sometimes, I have been guilty of taking a shit too early," he said, "I've discussed this with my family for quite some time. They appreciate my desire to clean out my bowels, but they're worried about me being away from them for 3 or even 5 minutes as I pinch one out. It could be as high as ten minutes if magazine reading is involved."

Longtime Packers backup Aaron Rodgers has been waiting outside the bathroom for over ten minutes for his turn to take a crap. "Brett has taken some pretty legendary dumps in his time. I'll never forget the time he ate an entire box of crayons and stunned us all when the Burnt Sienna one came out whole and unscathed," the 24 year old said, "but Ted [Thompson] has expressed confidence that my bowel movements will be slender and graceful and improve in girth and stench over time."