The history of video games: Part 2

Have we goddamn learned anything yet? Let's keep this bullshit moving and get to part 2: 8-bit gaming systems. After reading this section your homework is to call a publisher of your choosing and call the employees assholes for passing on my book.

Nintendo NES


This is the console that saved the gaming industry. First released in 1985, the NES became so popular that it revitalized worldwide interest in gaming, and it quickly monopolized the industry in the process. Nintendo actually willfully carried out a monopoly with their infamous "lockout chip." A chip made it so that a company would have to contractually promise to only make games for Nintendo in an agreement that I can only assume involves a ceremony in which the president of a game developing company swears loyalty and spills blood from the ancient dagger of a sage to prove their faithfulness to the Nintendo syndicate before they were allowed to publish NES games.

Artist's rendering of Konami agreeing to develop exclusively for Nintendo

It's easy to hate on Nintendo for being evil monopolizing bastards, but you have to admit that without the lockout chip, the gaming industry probably would have stayed dead for good. With licensing came quality control and strict regulations placed upon developers. We saw all of the horrifying pixelated penises and general avalanche of shitty games that resulted from a lack of licensing on the Atari 2600, so if Nintendo hadn't set this (still evil) precedent, it's possible the entire concept of video games would be a strange fad that would be the subject of hundreds of obnoxious nostalgic VH-1 specials. Interestingly, some developers found a way around the lockout chip and made their own unlicensed games. One of those games was Bible Adventures. I'm not a Bible scholar, but I'm pretty sure there's a stone slab somewhere that Christians believe in that says stealing licensing rights is a no-no.

Pictured: Sin

Atari 7800


Following the failure of the Atari 5200, the 7800 was released as a more advanced replacement. Despite graphics that ran at a lower resolution than the competition, a horrendous sound processor, a library consisting largely of nothing but old 2600 games, and the company's complete and total lack of commitment to advertising or developing new and interesting games, the 7800 still managed to turn strong profits, coasting on the popularity of the Atari name alone. This is more proof that riding name recognition does and always will kick the shit out of hard work. (See chapter 3) Editor's note: Chapter three kicks ass. Too bad you can't see it.

Sega Master System

This 8-bit console was set up as direct competition to the Nintendo's NES. It represented a noble attempt to rival the NES and was a pretty cool machine in its own right, but it ultimately didn't stand a chance because of Nintendo's shameless monopolization of the gaming industry. With Nintendo forcing all third party developers to swear loyalty to them before being allowed to make games for them, the Master System had little to no support from companies outside of Sega. In writing this chapter I tried to be fair and impartial, but I continue to find myself branding Nintendo an evil corporation that feeds on human souls. I'm trying to be fair and at least recognize the good points of a company as I rip on the bad points, but whenever I research something about Nintendo, I find something new and evil that I didn't know before. Whether they're holding fans of their greatest games hostage (to be covered later), disgracing the names of men who earned them billions of dollars (also to be covered later), or monopolizing an industry that would hugely benefit from healthy competition, Nintendo seems to be trying to make me hate it. I'm afraid to do the research for the section on the Super Nintendo because the SNES is responsible for nearly all of my happiest childhood memories and I'm afraid to find out that it's powered by the ground up corpses of kittens and orphans.