Let's face it: race is an issue that has been at the forefront of our society for years, and it's not going away anytime soon. At least not as long as those fucking wetbacks keep coming up, and those goddamn chink broads keep moving here, not only increasing the number of Asians but also reducing the number of whites by killing them with their horrible driving. For that reason, all of my fellow white people need help. How can they continue to be disgustingly racist in a country that becomes more and more diversified by the day? Fear not! In the first part of my class I will teach you how to be as stupidly intolerant as you want in a society that is becoming increasingly intolerant of intolerance. (what?)
1. Say "It's cool, I have lots of black friends"
Are you a budding racist in training and you need an excuse to say horrible things without getting in trouble? How can you express your opinion that black people are genetically inferior without looking racist? The answer is clear: make a special point of the skin color of your friends. What could be less racist than that? If you're acquainted with a few of those things (I refuse to call them people), there's no way you could appear to have a low opinion of them. After all, we know there are no men who have sex with dozens of women who are sexist.
2. Always say "It's not racist if it's true"
This is very important. You're not in any way biased if what you're saying is rooted in fact. Let's say you're leaving the theater with your girlfriend in a city that isn't known for being the safest in the world. Your apartment is three blocks away. Afterward, you have this exchange with your friend.
You: The movie was good. It just sucks it's all so expensive. After the tickets, the soda, the popcorn, and then the cab ride, I think I spent something like...
Friend: Cab ride? Why did you pay for a cab? You live like right next to the theater.
You: This isn't exactly Omaha, Nebraska. There's lots of niggers out there. I'm not saying black people, I mean niggers. There's a difference.
Friend: Whatever
You: I'm white and dressed nice and my girlfriend is a white woman with curves. I'm not making that walk. I'm pretty much begging to get mugged and have my girlfriend raped.
Friend: Uh huh
You: It's not racist if it's true.
Nevermind that everyone who actually is racist uses that exact same justification for what they say. Sure members of the KKK will say that it's biological fact that black people have a smaller cranial capacity, and they'll immediately point out that it's okay to say that because it's true, but so what? You're not one of them. They're nothing like you, and their racism is a way bigger problem than yours. A lunatic fringe of extreme racists who only a ridiculously tiny percentage of the population agrees with is a way bigger problem than the deep-seeded racism of the masses, right? Right?
3. Say "I'm not racist. I hate everyone equally."
This one is very important. Right after making an obviously racially biased statement, it's always a good idea to establish yourself as a lovable misanthrope, and not a fucking moron. It's okay to say that all black people are poor and all Mexicans are lazy, because you hate everyone. It's okay to make offensive blanket statements about entire races because you also dislike people who take too long to order coffee. The two are one and the same and there's absolutely no greater context to consider. Just try out these simple exercises in a variety of situations:
Waiting tables!
You (Seeing a credit card tip left by a Mr. Nguyen): Fucking gooks never tip.
Young busser: (Shocked expression)
You: It's okay. I'm not racist, I hate everyone equally.
Dealing with customer service!
You: Goddamit, Dell put me on the line with a fucking dothead.
Your wife: (Shocked expression)
You: It's okay. I'm not racist, I hate everyone equally.
You're Mel Gibson and you just got arrested for a DUI!
You: Fucking Jews are responsible for all the problems in this country!
Smalltown cop: (Shocked expression)
You: Seriously, Hitler should have finished the job.
With these three steps you're well on your way to being as hateful, intolerant, and fucking dumb as you want to be, with absolutely no guilt or cause to consider the greater effect of your idiocy!
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