Get out there and vote

I received a text message at 4:40 in the morning today from a guy who freelance employs me sometimes reminding me to go vote. I can't do it because I'm registered to vote in a county that's five miles away from where I live now and I never got that taken care of, and I definitely wouldn't have voted anyway even if I was registered in the right place, but it still got me thinking. This is a great nation where we have the power to choose who holds all of the most important government positions. Okay, we only have two choices and if neither of them are close to what you want out of a president you're shit out of luck, and various hugely important positions like vice president, the entire cabinet, and the Supreme Court justices are appointed with no goddamn say from the people, but still.

Nevermind all of that, what's important is that you have the ability to vote and you should use it no matter what. Even if you have absolutely no idea of what any of the candidates stand for in any of the elections on a local, state, or federal level, goddamn vote for something anyway. If you're a legally insane conspiracy theorist and you vote by taking the sixth letter of every candidate's name and picking the ones that spell a secret message from Vince Foster's ghost, go do it. If you believe the Holocaust didn't happen, or you believe it did happen and you want to get the job done, get out there and rock the vote. If you're bringing a Ouija game piece into the booth and voting that way, go do it. If you have an IQ of 53 and you deliberately vote against a smart person who actually understands the candidates and paid attention to what's going on just so your retard vote, which counts the same as a legitimately thoughtful vote, can cancel his out, go get on it, Forrest.

And that's when I realized that people have all kinds of abilities aside from voting that they should use just for the sake of using it, even if you're completely unfit to do it. I, the Gentile Golem, sketch comedian, crybaby blogger, alcoholic, and exercise bike master, need to launch a series of campaigns to get people to realize that they can't let what they've got go to waste. Pay close attention, I'm going to change the world today.

Campaign #1: Punch Shit

God-fucking-dammit!! Listen to me, you unappreciative little shitfucker! God gave you the ability to ball your hand up into a fist, and it's about time you FUCKING USED IT!! I don't care if it's a brick wall, a porcupine, a woman's face, a child's penis, one of those long spike things used to stab a big stack of papers, a porcelain lamp, a glass of milk, a boxing opponent, a Scrabble opponent, or just a good old fashioned apple. FUCKING PUNCH SOMETHING HARD!! There are people with no hands in Algeria who wish they could be Americans with hands who can punch shit whenever they want, so GET OUT THERE AND BREAK THE SMALL BONES IN YOUR HAND ON SOMEBODY'S FACE, YOU UNAPPRECIATIVE LITTLE DOGFUCKING SEMEN CRUNCHER!!!

Campaign #2: First Amendment Rights

What the fuck is the matter with you? You live in America, a nation with a little thing you might have heard of called the first amendment, and you're going to just let that go to waste? You can speak your mind without going to jail, and there are even websites like Blogspot where you can get a blog and say whatever the fuck you want for free, SO GET WITH THE MOTHERFUCKING PROGRAM!!! It's high time you told everyone every sickening detail about your horrifying, disgustingly enlarged thyroid gland. Don't hog all of the goiter for yourself!

Campaign #3: Personal Freedom

I'll let that one speak for itself. God bless America, and stay the fuck away from the voting booths if you're a moron. Please.