Radio, Gex, and stuff

Compared to the Chicago radio I used to listen to, Cincinnati radio is pretty much dogshit. The only three stations I can even somewhat tolerate are 96 Rock, which is about as generic as a contemporary rock station can get, 102.7, another rock station that declares itself the "Lunatic Fringe of American FM" because I guess you'd have to be EXTREME and TOTALLY MOTHERFUCKING HOLY SHIT INSANE to play The Doors and air Bengals games, and then there is The Sound, which is my favorite station in the area. They don't appear to have any particular format to speak of. As a matter of fact I'm pretty sure they have a playlist of only 60 hits from the past 15 years or so that they just play over and over. Some people would find that repetitive and awful, but it's pretty much exactly what I play on my iTunes, so it's perfect for me.

When I was driving to work a few days ago I turned on The Sound and some disgustingly awful country was playing. I thought it was just a fluke bad song and didn't think much of it, but when I switched back to the station a few minutes later Redneck Woman by Gretchen fucking Wilson was playing. By this point I just about shit myself. I fucking hate that song so fucking much. And no, I'm not bitter because I used to date Gretchen Wilson's first cousin (true story), I fucking hated that song long before I met her. As a matter of fact, I'm convinced after the coming ten years when American society finally destroys itself and all that's left here is ruins and a thick cloud of poisonous gas, archaeologists will dig through the ruins and find copies of Redneck Woman and that Toby Keith song about putting a boot in people's asses as undeniable evidence of the moment when the country went full-blown retarded.

Hell yeah! Being poor, stupid, and lazy is something to celebrate!

The good news is the station didn't really change to a country format, they just switched frequencies with a country station. It took me a week to figure that out, but I got through it. After getting past that issue, I also faced some of the first brutal internet criticism of my writing. I thought my piece about the 5 most pathetic attempts at video game humor of all time was pretty funny, so I posted it to a few video game forums to see what they thought of it. The comments were less than kind:

"more like the lamest attempt at an article of all time"

"What the fuck? I liked Gex"

"I'm disgusted that he would include good games like Gex on that list. Simply disgusted."

Make jokes about AIDS or rape on your blog and nobody will really care. Make fun of this cartoon Gecko and you've crossed a line.

I learned a valuable lesson: don't waste your time presenting a unique viewpoint and actually defending it. The internet would much rather have you spout popular opinion and leave it at that. Clearly my choice to take on the obscure and constantly lame humor of Gex was sacred ground for most gamers. Did I miss the mark on this one? Is Gex amazingly hilarious and I was just too stupid to realize it? Could it be that I was simply jealous that I'm not as funny as Gex and never could be? That could be. Or maybe Gex was a game that they all played when they were 7 years old and their rose tinted memories have blinded them to how lame the character is. Let's look at some reviews of the Gex games that were written in the 90's to see which side is right.

"The sound effects are pretty good, but the speech simply drags the entire game down. Dana Gould, a genuinely funny stand-up comedian, deserves better. Instead, he's been reduced to making lame comments, several of them via a truly horrible Austin Powers impression. Once you've heard Gex shout: "It's tail time" in about a hundred different intonations, you'll want to start shoving safety pins into your ears until you've permanently damaged your hearing. I eventually wanted to beat my television with a bat."

-Gex: Enter the Gecko review, March 13th, 1998

It doesn't help that Gex 64 sports subpar graphics and the most annoying sound effects in the history of video games. Dana Gould's gecko wisecracks, ... grate on the nerves like fingernails on a chalkboard.

-Gex 64: Enter the Gecko review, September 17, 1998

I just want to say four words to describe the sound in Gex 3: Deep Cover Gecko: Shut the hell up. The Dana Gould one-liners were a nice gimmick in the first game, and they were brought over for a revisit in Enter the Gecko. But c'mon, he's just not funny. Thank god you can turn off the running commentary, it's pretty obnoxious to have him constantly spout monologue like "This place is colder than a supermodel stare at an all-you-can-eat buffet" or "There's gold in them there teeth." Let's hope someone rips out the lizard's voice-box if he ever gets a third sequel.

-Gex 3: Deep Cover Gecko review, March 29th, 1999

That said, Dana Gould's one-liners throughout the Gex franchise are terrible and Gex 64 proves to be no exception. Really, are we supposed to laugh at "Forget about it!" and "Has anyone seen Fox Mulder's sister?" or "Don't take career advice from Joe Piscopo."

-Gex 64: Enter the Gecko review, September 10th, 1998

The one-liners in this game are like a Saturday Night Live sketch -- they're mildly entertaining for 30 seconds, but after a half-hour of the same old routine we want to vomit. Half of the comments make no sense whatsoever, with Gex spouting gibberish like, "Hey -- yeah, look at me, I'm wearing socks." That's not actually taken from the game, mind you, but it could very well be. Unfortunately, Dana Gould's unfunny one-liners do not stop after a half-hour of torturous repetition. They continue on and on and on some more, pounding themselves through your head and into the very core of your brain.

-Gex 3: Deep Cover Gecko review, October 27th, 1999

Yup, looks like I was completely off the mark.

Wear all the wacky bandit gear you want, you little shit. It won't change the fact that nobody likes you, and nobody ever will