Monday, November 3, 2008

Terrible the Paper Three: Paper Harder

It's time for another NFL update from Terrible the Paper, the world's #1 source of fake football news. This newest article that I wrote focuses on Mike Singletary, and for the non-football readers (James), he is the crazy former San Francisco 49ers assistant who was just recently promoted to head coach a couple weeks ago when Mike Nolan was fired. Anything else you need to know is explained in the story.

Mike Singletary Flies Away From Practice Field Using Only Penis


San Francisco, CA - In only one week as head coach of the 49ers, Mike Singletary has already proven to be unusually bold for a replacement coach with the sudden benching of Vernon Davis in the team’s loss to the Seahawks, and he’s already proven to have a flair for the dramatic when he dropped his pants at halftime of that same game to physically demonstrate his embarrassment at the score. With this latest stunt he upped the ante of his boldness and theatricality drastically.

Singletary shocked his team in a recent practice by laying on his back in the middle of the team’s practice field, removing his pants, and flying high above the players by quickly twirling his erect penis like a helicopter blade until he achieved liftoff, staying in the air for two full minutes, and safely landing on the 40 yard line.

“I wanted to inspire these guys to achieve the impossible and reach new heights, and I wanted to show them what I meant. Ain’t nobody gonna respect a coach who just talks the talk but can’t walk the walk,” Singletary said, “At the time I felt the only logical course of action to take was to lie down on the ground, think about Beyonce’s sweet, sweet ass to get little Mike standing to full attention, and I spun that thing with all my might until I felt nothing but air below me. Some coaches inspire their players with their laid back demeanor, and some invoke fiery loyalty with their hard-nosed approach, but only I will turn a professional football team around by applying the principles of thrust-based flight aerodynamics to my huge, hard, throbbing cock.”

Pro Bowl running back Frank Gore appreciated the display. “It’s impressive enough that he mastered the nuances of a rigid rotor system using what I assume is only a single penis, but the fact that he applied it in an inspiring and meaningful demonstration really meant a lot to the team,” he said. “[Previous head coach Mike] Nolan tried to do something like that once but totally failed. He wanted us to use our negative energy in a positive way by soaring above our opponents, and he tried to demonstrate that by farting and using the blast of energy to propel him hundreds of feet above the field. He ended up trying so hard to force a powerful gas blast that he just blew out his colon instead.” Gore then looked down at his feet. “Some sad shit right there. Hard to give your all for a coach who’s bleeding profusely out his ass.”

Players are taking note of Singletary’s bold, literal style. “Coach told me he’s going to force me to accept my role and I won’t be able to fight it. He said he’s gonna pound that message into me over and over,” tight end Vernon Davis said with a look of fear, “I’m pretty sure that’s just a fancy way of saying he’s gonna rape me.”

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

wat the weiner is this