Reviewing the final episode of The Shield

IT'S A LAME-ASSED COMEDY BLOG POST, BUT THERE'S STILL SOME SHIELD SPOILERS. SKIP THIS IF YOU'VE NEVER SEEN THE SHOW AND PLAN ON STARTING. OR SKIP IT IF YOU HAVE SEEN THE SHOW ANYWAY BECAUSE IT ISN'T VERY FUNNY.



Anyone who knows me more than likely knows that I love The Shield, I've seen all 88 episodes of it at least twice, I believe it's the best television show ever made, and we'd all be a lot better off if I'd just shut the fuck up about it already. Well, tonight marked the final episode of the seventh and final season. Now that the show has finished airing roughly an hour ago, what do I think about it? Does the finale live up to what came before? Does it truly finish the storyline and give a true sense of closure? The answer surprisingly turns out to be fuck no. Not only does this finale disappoint, it stinks worse than Vic Mackey's dick cheese basted in Shane Vendrell's cum. For an episode that purports to finish the story, just take a look at everything the geniuses completely neglected:

-In the first episode of the show, Claudette puts dogshit in Dutch's desk as a prank. Dutch believed it was carried out by Vic, his rival, and he never found out that the deed was actually done by his best friend and partner. This plotline isn't even touched in the finale. Those who have been waiting seven years for Dutch to finally confront his partner when he discovers the real pooper will have to live with that case of blueballs for the rest of their lives.

-Vic's middle name: Samuel. Ronnie's middle name: Everett. Want to know the middle names of Lem, Shane, Danny, Tina, Julien, Aceveda, Claudette, Dutch, or Kavanaugh? Too fucking bad.

-During the climactic scene in which Vic and Shane have their final exchange over the phone, you can clearly see a poster for a lost cat taped to the side of the payphone Shane is using. The writers were so concerned with telling us which characters die, go to prison, or get elected mayor that they completely glossed over the question of whether the cat ever gets found. Bullshit. Complete fucking bullshit.

-In the season 5 finale in which Shane kills Lem, his best friend, with a grenade only for Lem to survive a few more moments to hear Shane break down and tearfully apologize to him in one of the most gripping moments in television history, Shane commits the act by giving Lem a sandwich and slipping the grenade into his lap while he's distracted. Lem looks at the sandwich, says, "My favorite!" and has the grenade blow up in his face before he can take a bite. In the 23 episodes since then we still never found out what the fuck type of sandwich it was. It is most likely a sub, but it's possible that it was a hoagie and there's even an off chance that it was a panini, but you'd never know for sure because it was mostly wrapped in plastic. Even assuming that it was a sub, we definitely have no fucking clue what was on the sandwich. Turkey? Bacon? Vegetarian? Meatball marinara? This was the last thing Lem ever held in his hand in his life, and you think it's an unimportant detail? Shit, some kind of fan you are.


I can't believe all the talk I've heard about this supposedly being a great series finale. It's almost as if the writers put no effort at all into giving fans closure. This is ten, no, twenty times worse than the way the last episode of The Sopranos just