Point - Counterpoint: Gamestop

It's the exact same as The Onion's Point-Counterpoint pieces, but I don't think they really invented the concept in the first place, so let's go. Today we will be discussing the alleged evils of used video game retailing juggernaut Gamestop. Is it an evil, soul-sucking corporation that deserves to die, or are the Gamestop hating nerds just biting the hand that feeds them?


Point: A Few Responses to Common Criticisms of Gamestop

by Dick Fontaine, CEO of Gamestop

Again and again, I see the intense and vitrolic criticism thrown at the Gamestop corporation, and again and again I find the claims to be completely overblown or unfounded. For one thing there's the charge that we're killing the gaming industry by reselling used games when the profits aren't going to the game developers. Look, a majority of the used games we sell are old and can't be found at major retailers anyway. There isn't really anywhere you can go to buy a brand new copy of 2003's Panzer Dragoon Orta for the Xbox. We're providing a valuable service to gamers who may have missed some of the great games of days gone by, and we're introducing the creative vision of the game developers to more people than ever before.

Honestly, it'll most likely help their sales in the longrun. When somebody buys the overlooked classic Beyond Good and Evil from us for 8 dollars, and they play and love the game, they become much more likely to buy the upcoming Beyond Good and Evil 2. Furthermore, it's not like we're the only people on earth to resell used media. If we're evil for our practices, how come these same critics let Ebay, FYE, Movie Gallery, Hollywood Video, Blockbuster Video, all kinds of independent businesses, and children letting each other borrow games off the hook for doing the exact same thing?

Also, I don't understand why some people hate us so much for our exchange rates for used games. Yes, it's true that you won't get as much money for trading games to us as you would on Ebay. That's fine, go sell your games on Ebay then. Start an auction for every single game you intend to get rid of. Write up a description for an auction, upload a picture, interact with the customer, and ship it to the customer for every single game just so you can make a buck and a half more for each game. I'm not stopping you. I like to think of the lower trade-in rate as a cost for the convenience we provide. Then some people criticize us for offering more store credit and incentives to get you to trade in to us. Well fucking duh, we're a business, encouraging you to use our products and services is kind of what we do.

Even if we offer you only a dime for a game, what's the problem? Yes you paid 50 dollars when you first got it four years ago, but you've already played it all the way through and gotten your money's worth. You should be thankful you're getting anything at all. You've played the game for 30 hours and have enjoyed it thoroughly to the point that you no longer have any interest in ever playing it again. Video games and movies are the only products on earth where you can get any money at all for what is basically your garbage, and you still want more? Why do people feel entitled to getting tons of free money for their trash? I mean, what's next? Are they going to get angry that they can't trade their bodily waste to McDonalds? (Laughs)

Counter-Point: What you do mean I can't trade in my piss and shit for store credit?

by Steve Carson, founder of FuckGamestopInTheAss.com

Hey you in the blue shirt and black hat! Yeah you, don't fucking act like you can't hear me. I've got a jug full of my own urine and this cardboard box is completely full of my shit. I've been collecting it for the past two weeks, and I want to trade it in for a Ranch BLT meal. And you'd better make that a large. Don't tell me I'm violating about 28 different health codes, I don't need to hear that nonsense. I eat nothing but McDonalds when I play my Xbox 360. This is all your food in here, so scan it and tell me how much goddamn store credit I have.

Don't get your manager, deal with me! Oh hello, Mr. Manager. So great to see you. Here's the deal: I've got two weeks worth of my human excrement from eating your food, and I want to trade it in. Don't fucking tell me you're calling the police. It's a biological fact that the human body only uses like 10% of the nutrients in food. You've still got almost all of the protein and trans fat and stuff right here in the box. How much are you going to give me for it? Put the phone down. I can fucking hear you. Great, you're telling the cops I'm a crazy man. Talking shit about a loyal customer. That's really fucking classy.

Hey, hey, what are you doing? Put those cuffs away! Aw! Shit! Ouch, that hurts! I won't take this! I paid for McDonalds and I'm entitled to get paid back for it! Don't you pigs know who I am? I founded FuckGamestopInTheAss.com! I believe I'm entitled to get everything for free! No, don't throw me in the back of the squad car, I'm claustrophobic! I bought one video game for $50 back in 2001, and it's my belief that I should be able to trade it in infinitely and never pay for a video game ever again! ALL OF YOU GREEDY AND UNREASONABLE CORPORATE BASTARDS ARE GONNA PAY!!!!

...also, when you let me out could I get my box of shit back? I want to see if Burger King will trade.