If commercials were real....

What would happen if it was real:

Husband: Honey! I found the perfect tree!

Wife: Really? What makes it perfect?

Husband: It comes with a present.

(Wife suggestively looks at husband and smiles)

Wife: A present? What kind of present?

Husband: A very, very special one.

Wife: Does the tree lot have a deal where you get a free coffee maker or something when you buy a tree? Is that the present?

Husband: (Pauses) Uh, no, not that.

Wife: Do you mean after we buy the tree we're going to put presents under it?

Husband: No, not that.

Wife: So we aren't putting presents under the tree? Did you get laid off and can't afford Christmas presents this year?

Husband: No, goddammit! Why would I break news like that to you here?

Wife: So what the hell does the tree coming with a present mean? Is there a present that sexually gratifies the tree?

Husband: Christ, it's like trying to explain something to a fucking four year old.

Wife: How about you quit the cryptic bullshit and just tell me what you mean?

Husband: Look under the fucking tree. There's a box with some gold earrings that I spent like two thousand dollars on.

(Wife crouches down and looks under the tree but can't find anything)

Wife: I don't see anything here.

(Husband crouches down too, desperately sifts through the twigs and snow and can't find anything)

Husband: Goddammit, I just put that box here. Shit, an animal or some snot-nosed kid must have taken it.

Wife: So let me get this straight: you spent two thousand dollars on some gold earrings and just fucking put them down on the ground in a Christmas tree lot with dozens of strangers walking around?!? Tell me why any part of that would strike you as a good idea. No fucking wonder I couldn't figure out what you were talking about. How could I expect anyone to be that shit-brained stupid?

Husband: All I hear from you is non-stop bitching about how things are getting too boring and you want some excitement in your life, and this is what I get when I finally try something surprising? Sorry if I can't keep up with your violent moodswings, you estrogen-soaked slutrag!

Wife: I said I wanted a little bit of excitement and you responded by throwing away two thousand dollars. If I said that the house could use some redecorating would you burn the fucking house down and expect me to be happily surprised?

Husband: Aren't you overexaggerating just a little?

Wife: No, I'm really not. And even if you hadn't let somebody steal two thousand dollars worth of jewelry from us like the retard Down's Syndrome baby that you are, finding jewelry in a slightly unexpected location wasn't what I mean when I said I wanted more excitement.

Husband: What did you mean then?

Wife: I meant I want your dick to grow bigger or I want to leave you for a decently sized man. I used to tolerate the fact that you're packing a bobby pin between your legs, but then one day I realized that we're married and that's all I'll ever get until I die. That's what I meant when I said I want more excitement. God fucking dammit, I knew my mom was right when she told me marrying you was a mistake.

Husband: (Fighting back tears) Okay. While I can't fix the microscopic penis that god cursed me with, would it make you feel better if we left this fucking tree lot and I went to Kay Jeweler's and I bought you ten thousand dollars worth of diamond shit?

Wife: It'd be a start.

Kay's Announcer: This Christmas, how do you make her slightly less regretful that she chose you? With a gift of gold and diamonds from Kay Jeweler's. And you can be assured that Kay will have an assortment of jewelry that will briefly distract her from your massive inadequacies as a man. If you're trapped in a marriage to a total ballbusting bitch, make Kay your one-stop shop for shiny shit that will shut her the fuck up for a little bit.

Singers: Every kiss begins with Kay