Today's post was written by a king of the open road

The best part about being a trucker is catching people masturbate

by Jim “Mad Dog” Shaw, professional trucker

Let me tell you this right now: ain’t nothing beats life on the open road. Sure, it ain’t for everybody. Being away from home for days on end, sleeping in the back of the cab, and havin’ to be completely alert the entire drive because you’re piloting one of the most unwieldy machines on god’s green earth is enough to scare a lot of people away from the profession.

But for me, the discomfort, pressure, and lack of a traditionally satisfying home life are worth it. I love the mystical solitude of the open road. Also, I think it’s amazing that I actually get paid to travel and see all corners of the country, and it feels great to know that my job is absolutely necessary for the prosperity of the economy. However, there’s one aspect of the job that stands head and shoulders above them all as the greatest pleasure that trucking has to offer. It gives me a sense of pride and purpose, and a true smile of joy whenever I receive a new assignment. Without a doubt the greatest aspect of being a trucker is catching people who masturbate while driving.

Us truckers have a lot of terms for people who manually pleasure themselves as they operate a motor vehicle. In Oklahoma they’re referred to as mobile panhandlers. In Denver we say they’re taming the rolling Bronco. In Florida I’ll grab my CB radio and say, “Another driver is pruning the palm tree.” If it happens in Seattle we’ll point out that a motorist is polishing the Space Needle. And if we see it in the midwest we’re more surprised that the soul-crushing monotony of that entire section of the country hasn’t completely destroyed someone’s sex drive than anything else.

The masturbators are more numerous than you’d think, and they aren’t just varied in where they come from. Most of them think to throw a jacket or something over their crotch when they pass by us, while others get so into vigorously rubbing their erogenous zones that they don’t even realize that a trucker whose cab sits 8 and a half feet above their cars can see every fucking thing that’s going on down there. Look, we know what’s going on either way. Whether you’re pulling pud with all your might with your left hand while keeping the car straight with your right, or you’re driving down the road with a windbreaker inexplicably resting on your crotch with a mysterious spike in the middle, we know the fuck’s up. Whether you try to hide it or not, someone who has been trucking for 25 years will know what you’re doing.

That’s all well and good, but figuring you out isn’t what gives me so much pleasure, it’s riding 8 and a half feet above you, looking down on you and knowing what you’re doing whether you try to hide it from me or not, and being disgusted with your sexual depravity and utter disregard for traffic safety that really makes me look forward to the next time I catch a sick fuck blowing a hot load all over the interior of his car and cleaning up the mess with Burger King napkins. Sitting high above people, knowing the sins that they try to keep hidden, and judging them makes me feel the same way God must feel when he catches one of his followers jacking it and releasing sperm that could have been used to make some perfectly good Catholic baby.

Just looking down and feeling everything that God feels is just..... well, it just feels so fucking right. By driving my truck and watching random motorists masturbate, I feel like I’m understanding my Lord and savior better than ever before. Forget church, bible study, and all of that other bullshit. Until you’ve sat high above and watched another man desperately try to clean up semen he accidentally blew onto his brand new tie, you haven’t truly understood God.