The advice column from Dolemite was such a smashing success that I thought it was high time we brought in another comedic genius to help our readers with their deepest problems. Today’s column will be provided by the brilliant observational wit of Aaron Karo, whose unrivaled ability to point out the obvious and do absolutely nothing funny with it in his inexplicably popular Ruminations columns continues to dazzle thousands of readers.
Hey, Aaron. My wife and I have an understanding with our son that as long as he keeps his room and his own bathroom clean, we’ll respect his privacy. Well, last Monday our curiosity got the better of us and I went snooping, and in his bathroom I found what would best be described as a shrine to our late grandmother with candles around it. I got onto his computer, broke into his Myspace blog, and found that he’s harbored a lifelong obsession with her that has only grown since her death, and he sexually gratifies himself to the shrine twice a day, and he prefers to do it in the bathroom because it reminds him of the days that Grandma Ethel helped us potty train him. I think our son is sick and needs help, but if he knows we disrespected his privacy he’ll never trust us again and will never seek the help we want for him. How do we get help for him without losing his trust?
-Concerned in California
You know something I’ve always noticed about bathrooms? It seems that no matter how hard I try to put the cap back on the toothpaste without making a mess, the darn thing always finds a way to get messy and leave crusty toothpaste all over the place. I swear, I think the toothpaste is alive and has a mind of its own. I sure hope that isn’t the case! I lived with enough living things that make messes and don’t help out with the rent in college!
Hi Aaron, love your column. I wish I could be in better spirits, but I’m going through the toughest decision a husband could ever be forced to make. My wife has been in a coma for four years, and the doctors have told me that her hopes of recovering are as close to zero as they could possibly be. I don’t think god ever intended for her to exist in this horrible state for years and years, but when I come close to making the decision to pull the plug I just can’t do it. We’re talking about killing the girl that’s been the love of my life for 18 years. Keeping her alive in the coma has driven me to the point of financial ruin. Is there anything you can tell me to give me the strength to finally do what I know I need to do?
-Desperate in Dallas
Have you ever noticed that hospital food usually tends to taste pretty bad? Last I checked the hospital is a place where you go to get better, not sicker! What’s up with that? I broke my arm playing soccer once when I was 12 and I was all like “Hold the phone, doctor. I’ve already got a broken bone here. I don’t need to be poisoned too.”
AARON, OH MY GOD!! OH DEAR JESUS!! I WAS PRUNING THE BUSHES IN FRONT OF MY HOUSE AND.... CHRIST, THERE’S SO MUCH BLOOD!! I FELL OVER AND... AND.... I DROVE THE SHEARS INTO MY CHEST!! I’M BLEEDING LIKE A STUCK PIG!! NOBODY ELSE IS HOME AND THEY WON’T BE FOR 3 MORE HOURS!! I’M..... I’M.... I THINK I’M DYING!! JESUS, NO! IT WASN’T SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN LIKE THIS!! WHAT DO I DO? DO YOU KNOW HOW TO CLEAN THE WOUND OR STOP THE BLEEDING?!? SHOULD I TAKE THE SHEARS OUT OR LEAVE THEM IN??? THERE’S SO MUCH BLOOD!! I CAN’T POSSIBLY HAVE THAT MUCH LEFT IN MY BODY!! WHAT DO I DO???? Our father, who art in heaven, hallowed by thy na.......
-Bleeding in Bismark
I’ve always noticed that when a character in a movie is mortally wounded, they always immediately know that the bullet hole or whatever else is going to kill them. I’m like come on! How can you be so sure? I mean, how many times have you been fatally wounded in your life? Seeing as how you’re alive you obviously haven’t died before.
And as always, here are a few random things I’ve been ruminating about lately:
-Don’t you hate it when you’re Facebook stalking somebody and you finally find a picture she’s tagged in only to roll over it and realize that she isn’t even the cute one?
-Do you think basketball players ever go into the theater and everyone behind them is all like “Oh man...”
-I was working out recently and I thought about how much money I make, and how many girls want to have sex with me, and I was like “Man, I am so fucking great!” Everyone who has ever met me thinks I’m a total scumbag, but god I’m awesome. Fuck me!
Thank you for your time, Aaron!
No comments:
Post a Comment