R.G. Blanko: The Last Dentist You'll Ever Need!

Hey, everybody! How are you all doing? I'm R.G. Blanko, and I want to be your dentist! If you take a look around town at the other people in the area, you'll see that I'm the only logical choice. I graduated Summa Cum Laude at one of the ten most prestigious schools of dentistry in the country, I have over 15 years of experience in all aspects of my field, and my skills in everything from standard checkups and cleanings to full-blown bridge reconstruction are lauded by dozens of respected dental professionals. I have the talent, dedication, attention to detail, education, and experience to put me miles ahead of any other dentist in the state. Not only that, I'm pretty unlikely to rape you while you're high on nitrous.

Some of my competitors and a few certain federal registries might tell you that I'm what you'd call a grossly depraved sex offender who shouldn't be allowed to interact with society or even be loose outside a padded cell. I think these accusations are overblown to say the least. I can guarantee you right now, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that only one out of thirty of my customers at the absolute most will be sexually assaulted by me during the process of an intensive, detail-oriented surgery procedure. Most of my customers report minor bruising in the pelvic area at the absolute worst. Are you honestly going to let fear of a little bit of rape while you're too high on nitrous to fight back or understand what's going on keep you from getting dental care from the most experienced and competent expert in the tri-state area? What's next, will you stay locked in your home all day just because there's a slight chance you could get hit by a meteor if you go outside? Now who's being weird? I'm a rapist and even I think you're acting crazy.

You may have seen the story about my most recent potential victim on 60 Minutes. I administered the nitrous and prepared to administer a root canal while violently forcing myself upon my customer. She eventually came to her senses and realized what was going on and bit down on my arm hard enough to break the skin, giving me a wound so deep that it required sixteen stitches. How about you quit saying "You deserved it, you piece of shit!" long enough to think about how she got teeth healthy and strong enough to even do that. I'll give you a clue: it fucking came from me. Besides, if I'm talented enough to successfully perform a root canal while raping, just imagine what I could do during not rape.

There's really no question about who's the best dentist the tri-state area has to offer. Do yourself a favor and head on down to the black, windowless van parked in front of 1653 Birchwood Street for a free checkup if you don't believe me. If I go anywhere beyond fondling your boobs or scrotum, I'll guarantee your money back!