IT'S A LAME-ASSED COMEDY BLOG POST, BUT THERE'S STILL SOME SHIELD SPOILERS. SKIP THIS IF YOU'VE NEVER SEEN THE SHOW AND PLAN ON STARTING. OR SKIP IT IF YOU HAVE SEEN THE SHOW ANYWAY BECAUSE IT ISN'T VERY FUNNY.
Anyone who knows me more than likely knows that I love The Shield, I've seen all 88 episodes of it at least twice, I believe it's the best television show ever made, and we'd all be a lot better off if I'd just shut the fuck up about it already. Well, tonight marked the final episode of the seventh and final season. Now that the show has finished airing roughly an hour ago, what do I think about it? Does the finale live up to what came before? Does it truly finish the storyline and give a true sense of closure? The answer surprisingly turns out to be fuck no. Not only does this finale disappoint, it stinks worse than Vic Mackey's dick cheese basted in Shane Vendrell's cum. For an episode that purports to finish the story, just take a look at everything the geniuses completely neglected:
-In the first episode of the show, Claudette puts dogshit in Dutch's desk as a prank. Dutch believed it was carried out by Vic, his rival, and he never found out that the deed was actually done by his best friend and partner. This plotline isn't even touched in the finale. Those who have been waiting seven years for Dutch to finally confront his partner when he discovers the real pooper will have to live with that case of blueballs for the rest of their lives.
-Vic's middle name: Samuel. Ronnie's middle name: Everett. Want to know the middle names of Lem, Shane, Danny, Tina, Julien, Aceveda, Claudette, Dutch, or Kavanaugh? Too fucking bad.
-During the climactic scene in which Vic and Shane have their final exchange over the phone, you can clearly see a poster for a lost cat taped to the side of the payphone Shane is using. The writers were so concerned with telling us which characters die, go to prison, or get elected mayor that they completely glossed over the question of whether the cat ever gets found. Bullshit. Complete fucking bullshit.
-In the season 5 finale in which Shane kills Lem, his best friend, with a grenade only for Lem to survive a few more moments to hear Shane break down and tearfully apologize to him in one of the most gripping moments in television history, Shane commits the act by giving Lem a sandwich and slipping the grenade into his lap while he's distracted. Lem looks at the sandwich, says, "My favorite!" and has the grenade blow up in his face before he can take a bite. In the 23 episodes since then we still never found out what the fuck type of sandwich it was. It is most likely a sub, but it's possible that it was a hoagie and there's even an off chance that it was a panini, but you'd never know for sure because it was mostly wrapped in plastic. Even assuming that it was a sub, we definitely have no fucking clue what was on the sandwich. Turkey? Bacon? Vegetarian? Meatball marinara? This was the last thing Lem ever held in his hand in his life, and you think it's an unimportant detail? Shit, some kind of fan you are.
I can't believe all the talk I've heard about this supposedly being a great series finale. It's almost as if the writers put no effort at all into giving fans closure. This is ten, no, twenty times worse than the way the last episode of The Sopranos just
Hey, hey! How's it going? Perez Toadstool is here with the hottest celeb gossip from all over the Mushroom Kingdom, from Pipe World to Cookie Mountain, from Delfino Plaza to Bomb-Omb Battlefield, and all the way over to the Forest of Illusion. Here's the latest:
Princess Peach Whoring it Up Again
Filed Under: Hobag royalty
It looks like Princess Peach has up and gotten herself kidnapped by Bowser again for the 298th time. In what is starting to feel like a weekly occurrence, Prin-Pee-Pee has yet again gotten the Winona Ryder treatment and been stolen from her b to the f Mario and taken to the totally fab Koopa Castle.
But that's not the end of the story!
Rumor has it Pee-Pee's BFF's are saying that she's getting five finger discounted on purpose! Apparently, a plumber's salary just isn't cutting it for the high-maintenance gal anymore, and she's looking for some new digs!
When asked by the paps for the 411 on the rumors, the princess told them to "eff off".
How unprofesh!
Hey PrinPrin: if you can't handle the heat from the photogs, how will you ever be able to look your baby daddy in the eye and tell him it ain't all about the Benjamins? MarMar, Perez thinks it's about time you get your fire flower and burn this BITCH at the stake.
It all makes me so sick I just want to vom! Laterz!!!
Wife: Does the tree lot have a deal where you get a free coffee maker or something when you buy a tree? Is that the present?
Husband: (Pauses) Uh, no, not that.
Wife: Do you mean after we buy the tree we're going to put presents under it?
Husband: No, not that.
Wife: So we aren't putting presents under the tree? Did you get laid off and can't afford Christmas presents this year?
Husband: No, goddammit! Why would I break news like that to you here?
Wife: So what the hell does the tree coming with a present mean? Is there a present that sexually gratifies the tree?
Husband: Christ, it's like trying to explain something to a fucking four year old.
Wife: How about you quit the cryptic bullshit and just tell me what you mean?
Husband: Look under the fucking tree. There's a box with some gold earrings that I spent like two thousand dollars on.
(Wife crouches down and looks under the tree but can't find anything)
Wife: I don't see anything here.
(Husband crouches down too, desperately sifts through the twigs and snow and can't find anything)
Husband: Goddammit, I just put that box here. Shit, an animal or some snot-nosed kid must have taken it.
Wife: So let me get this straight: you spent two thousand dollars on some gold earrings and just fucking put them down on the ground in a Christmas tree lot with dozens of strangers walking around?!? Tell me why any part of that would strike you as a good idea. No fucking wonder I couldn't figure out what you were talking about. How could I expect anyone to be that shit-brained stupid?
Husband: All I hear from you is non-stop bitching about how things are getting too boring and you want some excitement in your life, and this is what I get when I finally try something surprising? Sorry if I can't keep up with your violent moodswings, you estrogen-soaked slutrag!
Wife: I said I wanted a little bit of excitement and you responded by throwing away two thousand dollars. If I said that the house could use some redecorating would you burn the fucking house down and expect me to be happily surprised?
Husband: Aren't you overexaggerating just a little?
Wife: No, I'm really not. And even if you hadn't let somebody steal two thousand dollars worth of jewelry from us like the retard Down's Syndrome baby that you are, finding jewelry in a slightly unexpected location wasn't what I mean when I said I wanted more excitement.
Husband: What did you mean then?
Wife: I meant I want your dick to grow bigger or I want to leave you for a decently sized man. I used to tolerate the fact that you're packing a bobby pin between your legs, but then one day I realized that we're married and that's all I'll ever get until I die. That's what I meant when I said I want more excitement. God fucking dammit, I knew my mom was right when she told me marrying you was a mistake.
Husband: (Fighting back tears) Okay. While I can't fix the microscopic penis that god cursed me with, would it make you feel better if we left this fucking tree lot and I went to Kay Jeweler's and I bought you ten thousand dollars worth of diamond shit?
Wife: It'd be a start.
Kay's Announcer: This Christmas, how do you make her slightly less regretful that she chose you? With a gift of gold and diamonds from Kay Jeweler's. And you can be assured that Kay will have an assortment of jewelry that will briefly distract her from your massive inadequacies as a man. If you're trapped in a marriage to a total ballbusting bitch, make Kay your one-stop shop for shiny shit that will shut her the fuck up for a little bit.
Hey, everybody! How are you all doing? I'm R.G. Blanko, and I want to be your dentist! If you take a look around town at the other people in the area, you'll see that I'm the only logical choice. I graduated Summa Cum Laude at one of the ten most prestigious schools of dentistry in the country, I have over 15 years of experience in all aspects of my field, and my skills in everything from standard checkups and cleanings to full-blown bridge reconstruction are lauded by dozens of respected dental professionals. I have the talent, dedication, attention to detail, education, and experience to put me miles ahead of any other dentist in the state. Not only that, I'm pretty unlikely to rape you while you're high on nitrous.
Some of my competitors and a few certain federal registries might tell you that I'm what you'd call a grossly depraved sex offender who shouldn't be allowed to interact with society or even be loose outside a padded cell. I think these accusations are overblown to say the least. I can guarantee you right now, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that only one out of thirty of my customers at the absolute most will be sexually assaulted by me during the process of an intensive, detail-oriented surgery procedure. Most of my customers report minor bruising in the pelvic area at the absolute worst. Are you honestly going to let fear of a little bit of rape while you're too high on nitrous to fight back or understand what's going on keep you from getting dental care from the most experienced and competent expert in the tri-state area? What's next, will you stay locked in your home all day just because there's a slight chance you could get hit by a meteor if you go outside? Now who's being weird? I'm a rapist and even I think you're acting crazy.
You may have seen the story about my most recent potential victim on 60 Minutes. I administered the nitrous and prepared to administer a root canal while violently forcing myself upon my customer. She eventually came to her senses and realized what was going on and bit down on my arm hard enough to break the skin, giving me a wound so deep that it required sixteen stitches. How about you quit saying "You deserved it, you piece of shit!" long enough to think about how she got teeth healthy and strong enough to even do that. I'll give you a clue: it fucking came from me. Besides, if I'm talented enough to successfully perform a root canal while raping, just imagine what I could do during not rape.
There's really no question about who's the best dentist the tri-state area has to offer. Do yourself a favor and head on down to the black, windowless van parked in front of 1653 Birchwood Street for a free checkup if you don't believe me. If I go anywhere beyond fondling your boobs or scrotum, I'll guarantee your money back!
Well, I managed to run my mouth off and get banned from the GameFAQs message boards for about the 10th time in the last few months. It's no secret that this website has quite possibly the greatest number of dickweed moderators in the history of the internets. Here's a small list of some of the things that have gotten my main account or one of my alternate accounts banned:
-Staging a fake argument between me and one of my alternate accounts. One was my main account and one was my account named after morbidly obese free agent NFL quarterback Jared Lorenzen. After a dismal preseason performance in which Lorenzen essentially lost his chance at being the Colts third string quarterback, I posted a topic making fun of him and staged an argument where I made fun of Lorenzen's weight and failure to even hold onto a third or fourth string quarterbacking job, and my Jared_Lorenzen account responded by calling me a loser and implying that he has repeatedly fucked my girlfriend. Anyone with enough brain power to understand that sticking your dick in a fusebox is a bad idea could have figured out that I was behind both sides of the argument, and everyone who witnessed the scene found it hilarious, but the GameFAQs moderators felt that insulting myself was unacceptable. My main account received a temporary suspension and Jared_Lorenzen was banned forever.
-Saying "F***" in the place of the word "Fuck." According to the website's rules, the only acceptable way to swear is to blank out all four letters. According to the terms of service, saying "I don't know what the f*** is going on" is shocking enough to destroy society and all that we hold dear, while saying, "I am going to **** your three year old sister" is completely okay. Ooooh-kay, got it.
-Complaining that people constantly having their posts deleted or getting banned from the message board for completely innocent or innocuous offenses is getting out of control and making using the message boards no longer enjoyable. When I contested my punishment, a moderator succintly told me, "Talking about the board is off-topic." Lesson learned: talking about the message board you're on is irrelevant to the message board. All I have to say to that is What the F***? *Gets banned* Crap, I mean What the ****?
-Announcing that I'm taking a leave of absence from the board because I can no longer stand the moderators. The account I used to make the announcement was immediately banned. If I was a negative person I'd assume they arbitrarily banned me just to say fuck you to me for leaving, but I'd like to think they were merely good samaritans who saved me the hard work of closing my account because they're wonderful, reasonable people.
Well, my latest banning was the result of making comments that they construed as racist. Here is the comment in its entirety. Read it very closely, and I think you'll see that only the most unreasonable person would read it and find even a hint of racist undertones:
I considered interacting with black people once. I was walking down the street and I saw one. I was working up the courage to talk to him, but at the last second I freaked out and jumped into an alley because I remembered how mean and scary they can be on The Wire. There are some good blacks on that show like Bunk and Freamon, but a majority of them shoot people and sell drugs, so I got scared because I didn't want him to kill me and then try to sell me crack afterwards.
For the love of god, can somebody tell me why anyone would find even a single word of that racially ignorant or insensitive? Not only did I genuinely want to talk to black people, I even said that a couple of them that I see on TV are pretty nice guys. What could be less racist than that? Oh well, sometimes you just can't win.
Seriously, though. After the first 9 bullshit bannings, can't I get a free pass this once?
I'm going out of town and away from computers for almost an entire day and a half to see some old friends and put serious effort into making videos again, so I'll throw up Thursday's update right now. Hell, there might not even be a Friday update. Both of my readers will be pissed. Oh well, here goes.
The advice column from Dolemite was such a smashing success that I thought it was high time we brought in another comedic genius to help our readers with their deepest problems. Today’s column will be provided by the brilliant observational wit of Aaron Karo, whose unrivaled ability to point out the obvious and do absolutely nothing funny with it in his inexplicably popular Ruminationscolumns continues to dazzle thousands of readers.
Hey, Aaron. My wife and I have an understanding with our son that as long as he keeps his room and his own bathroom clean, we’ll respect his privacy. Well, last Monday our curiosity got the better of us and I went snooping, and in his bathroom I found what would best be described as a shrine to our late grandmother with candles around it. I got onto his computer, broke into his Myspace blog, and found that he’s harbored a lifelong obsession with her that has only grown since her death, and he sexually gratifies himself to the shrine twice a day, and he prefers to do it in the bathroom because it reminds him of the days that Grandma Ethel helped us potty train him. I think our son is sick and needs help, but if he knows we disrespected his privacy he’ll never trust us again and will never seek the help we want for him. How do we get help for him without losing his trust?
-Concerned in California
You know something I’ve always noticed about bathrooms? It seems that no matter how hard I try to put the cap back on the toothpaste without making a mess, the darn thing always finds a way to get messy and leave crusty toothpaste all over the place. I swear, I think the toothpaste is alive and has a mind of its own. I sure hope that isn’t the case! I lived with enough living things that make messes and don’t help out with the rent in college!
Hi Aaron, love your column. I wish I could be in better spirits, but I’m going through the toughest decision a husband could ever be forced to make. My wife has been in a coma for four years, and the doctors have told me that her hopes of recovering are as close to zero as they could possibly be. I don’t think god ever intended for her to exist in this horrible state for years and years, but when I come close to making the decision to pull the plug I just can’t do it. We’re talking about killing the girl that’s been the love of my life for 18 years. Keeping her alive in the coma has driven me to the point of financial ruin. Is there anything you can tell me to give me the strength to finally do what I know I need to do?
-Desperate in Dallas
Have you ever noticed that hospital food usually tends to taste pretty bad? Last I checked the hospital is a place where you go to get better, not sicker! What’s up with that? I broke my arm playing soccer once when I was 12 and I was all like “Hold the phone, doctor. I’ve already got a broken bone here. I don’t need to be poisoned too.”
AARON, OH MY GOD!! OH DEAR JESUS!! I WAS PRUNING THE BUSHES IN FRONT OF MY HOUSE AND.... CHRIST, THERE’S SO MUCH BLOOD!! I FELL OVER AND... AND.... I DROVE THE SHEARS INTO MY CHEST!! I’M BLEEDING LIKE A STUCK PIG!! NOBODY ELSE IS HOME AND THEY WON’T BE FOR 3 MORE HOURS!! I’M..... I’M.... I THINK I’M DYING!! JESUS, NO! IT WASN’T SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN LIKE THIS!! WHAT DO I DO? DO YOU KNOW HOW TO CLEAN THE WOUND OR STOP THE BLEEDING?!? SHOULD I TAKE THE SHEARS OUT OR LEAVE THEM IN??? THERE’S SO MUCH BLOOD!! I CAN’T POSSIBLY HAVE THAT MUCH LEFT IN MY BODY!! WHAT DO I DO???? Our father, who art in heaven, hallowed by thy na.......
-Bleeding in Bismark
I’ve always noticed that when a character in a movie is mortally wounded, they always immediately know that the bullet hole or whatever else is going to kill them. I’m like come on! How can you be so sure? I mean, how many times have you been fatally wounded in your life? Seeing as how you’re alive you obviously haven’t died before.
And as always, here are a few random things I’ve been ruminating about lately:
-Don’t you hate it when you’re Facebook stalking somebody and you finally find a picture she’s tagged in only to roll over it and realize that she isn’t even the cute one?
-Do you think basketball players ever go into the theater and everyone behind them is all like “Oh man...”
-I was working out recently and I thought about how much money I make, and how many girls want to have sex with me, and I was like “Man, I am so fucking great!” Everyone who has ever met me thinks I’m a total scumbag, but god I’m awesome. Fuck me!
Somehow I completely missed this, but apparently a few months ago a friend and fellow internet superstar I met on Youtube by name of Sean Harper made a video that got featured by the website and cracked 500,000 views. Sean's totally awesome and tells me my videos are funny even when they're at their absolute suckiest, so the least I can do is post the video on my blog and get him views from all four of my readers. Check it out, it's pretty sweet.
I still think the Coors Light coach commercials are pretty funny, and I had an idea for one. I'm too lazy to use a camera and edit, but I think text will get it across. I'm just a little worried that the humor might be too innocent and not have enough of an edge to successfully promote the product. The video contains the soundbites that I'd use.
Guy #1: Coach Parcells, that was some really good advice you gave my cousin when you told him that we could lure sixteen year old girls into our basement with promises of free Coors Light.
Bill Parcells: He hears everything I say
Guy #2: But coach, we've been raping and killing for three weeks now and I don't know what to do with the bodies. Will his cousin remember the procedure for burning and disposing of corpses you taught him?
Bill Parcells: He can tell you three weeks from now what I said today.
Guy #2: Well that's a relief
Announcer: Taste the cold of Coors Light. The offical beer sponsor of the NFL
Guy #1: Coach, we told a few of the girls that the only way we'd let them out of the basement alive is if they performed sexual favors on us.
Bill Parcells: Consider yourselves sucked
Guy #2: It was awesome! But seriously, we still totally killed them.
Have you guys ever heard of this show Chocolate News on Comedy Central hosted by David Alan Grier? It's a sketch comedy show featuring racially charged humor and it's hosted by a black guy who used to do sitcoms, just like Chappelle's Show. Therefore, every aspect of Chocolate News should be compared directly to Chappelle's Show. Some of those brainiac bloggers out there might tell you that thinking about a TV show only in terms of how it directly compares to another show just because the formats are similar and the hosts are the same race is really, really, really goddamn moronic. They can go suck a dick. Critical thinking gives my brain a hurt. Here are some more comparisons and similarities that I think are completely fair:
-The newer version of The Longest Yard, which features small, physically unimpressive Jew Adam Sandler as a former NFL quarterback, and Any Given Sunday, which features a 46 year old Dennis Quaid as an active NFL quarterback are pretty much the same movie. They're both football movies, and they both have guys who could never actually play quarterback if their lives depended on it!
-Barack Obama is a ripoff of David Palmer. Same race, same job, same shit as before. Try something original next time!
-Lethal Weapon is a shot-for-shot remake of In the Heat of the Night.
Compared to the Chicago radio I used to listen to, Cincinnati radio is pretty much dogshit. The only three stations I can even somewhat tolerate are 96 Rock, which is about as generic as a contemporary rock station can get, 102.7, another rock station that declares itself the "Lunatic Fringe of American FM" because I guess you'd have to be EXTREME and TOTALLY MOTHERFUCKING HOLY SHIT INSANE to play The Doors and air Bengals games, and then there is The Sound, which is my favorite station in the area. They don't appear to have any particular format to speak of. As a matter of fact I'm pretty sure they have a playlist of only 60 hits from the past 15 years or so that they just play over and over. Some people would find that repetitive and awful, but it's pretty much exactly what I play on my iTunes, so it's perfect for me.
When I was driving to work a few days ago I turned on The Sound and some disgustingly awful country was playing. I thought it was just a fluke bad song and didn't think much of it, but when I switched back to the station a few minutes later Redneck Woman by Gretchen fucking Wilson was playing. By this point I just about shit myself. I fucking hate that song so fucking much. And no, I'm not bitter because I used to date Gretchen Wilson's first cousin (true story), I fucking hated that song long before I met her. As a matter of fact, I'm convinced after the coming ten years when American society finally destroys itself and all that's left here is ruins and a thick cloud of poisonous gas, archaeologists will dig through the ruins and find copies of Redneck Woman and that Toby Keith song about putting a boot in people's asses as undeniable evidence of the moment when the country went full-blown retarded.
Hell yeah! Being poor, stupid, and lazy is something to celebrate!
The good news is the station didn't really change to a country format, they just switched frequencies with a country station. It took me a week to figure that out, but I got through it. After getting past that issue, I also faced some of the first brutal internet criticism of my writing. I thought my piece about the 5 most pathetic attempts at video game humor of all time was pretty funny, so I posted it to a few video game forums to see what they thought of it. The comments were less than kind:
"more like the lamest attempt at an article of all time"
"What the fuck? I liked Gex"
"I'm disgusted that he would include good games like Gex on that list. Simply disgusted."
Make jokes about AIDS or rape on your blog and nobody will really care. Make fun of this cartoon Gecko and you've crossed a line.
I learned a valuable lesson: don't waste your time presenting a unique viewpoint and actually defending it. The internet would much rather have you spout popular opinion and leave it at that. Clearly my choice to take on the obscure and constantly lame humor of Gex was sacred ground for most gamers. Did I miss the mark on this one? Is Gex amazingly hilarious and I was just too stupid to realize it? Could it be that I was simply jealous that I'm not as funny as Gex and never could be? That could be. Or maybe Gex was a game that they all played when they were 7 years old and their rose tinted memories have blinded them to how lame the character is. Let's look at some reviews of the Gex games that were written in the 90's to see which side is right.
"The sound effects are pretty good, but the speech simply drags the entire game down. Dana Gould, a genuinely funny stand-up comedian, deserves better. Instead, he's been reduced to making lame comments, several of them via a truly horrible Austin Powers impression. Once you've heard Gex shout: "It's tail time" in about a hundred different intonations, you'll want to start shoving safety pins into your ears until you've permanently damaged your hearing. I eventually wanted to beat my television with a bat."
-Gex: Enter the Gecko review, March 13th, 1998
It doesn't help that Gex 64 sports subpar graphics and the most annoying sound effects in the history of video games. Dana Gould's gecko wisecracks, ... grate on the nerves like fingernails on a chalkboard.
-Gex 64: Enter the Gecko review, September 17, 1998
I just want to say four words to describe the sound in Gex 3: Deep Cover Gecko: Shut the hell up. The Dana Gould one-liners were a nice gimmick in the first game, and they were brought over for a revisit in Enter the Gecko. But c'mon, he's just not funny. Thank god you can turn off the running commentary, it's pretty obnoxious to have him constantly spout monologue like "This place is colder than a supermodel stare at an all-you-can-eat buffet" or "There's gold in them there teeth." Let's hope someone rips out the lizard's voice-box if he ever gets a third sequel.
-Gex 3: Deep Cover Gecko review, March 29th, 1999
That said, Dana Gould's one-liners throughout the Gex franchise are terrible and Gex 64 proves to be no exception. Really, are we supposed to laugh at "Forget about it!" and "Has anyone seen Fox Mulder's sister?" or "Don't take career advice from Joe Piscopo."
-Gex 64: Enter the Gecko review, September 10th, 1998
The one-liners in this game are like a Saturday Night Live sketch -- they're mildly entertaining for 30 seconds, but after a half-hour of the same old routine we want to vomit. Half of the comments make no sense whatsoever, with Gex spouting gibberish like, "Hey -- yeah, look at me, I'm wearing socks." That's not actually taken from the game, mind you, but it could very well be. Unfortunately, Dana Gould's unfunny one-liners do not stop after a half-hour of torturous repetition. They continue on and on and on some more, pounding themselves through your head and into the very core of your brain.
-Gex 3: Deep Cover Gecko review, October 27th, 1999
Yup, looks like I was completely off the mark.
Wear all the wacky bandit gear you want, you little shit. It won't change the fact that nobody likes you, and nobody ever will
For today's post we're bringing in another guest: the late comedian Rudy Ray Moore. Sure he died a few weeks ago, but a punk-ass bitch like the Grim Reaper can't keep Rudy down. When he wasn't going on rhyming tirades about how huge his dick is, he was making bat-shit insane kung fu blaxploitation movies as Dolemite, his film and comedy alter ego.
His unique talents, if you can call them that, haven't gone unnoticed. People across the country turn to Rudy Ray Moore to solve their most pressing issues. So without further ado, we bring you our first edition of Ask Rudy Ray Moore's Ghost:
I am a 25-year old expecting father. My 23-year old wife is seven months pregnant, and while nothing excites us more than bringing our little girl into the world, she’s still afraid of the actual act of giving birth. She’s told me time and time again that the pain of actually going through with childbirth terrifies her, and she stays up all night completely unable to sleep because she can’t stop thinking about how horrible she thinks it will be. Dolemite, what can I do to calm her fears?
-Scared in Seattle
My dick is ready to attack, and it’s long like a pole, It’s hard as a diamond, and black as coal. I’ll fuck your wife with my dick cause it’s heavy as lead, I’ll fuck that bitch so deep I’ll poke your little girl in the head. My dick is seven feet wide, it’ll tear every pussy wall, and your wife will say “a baby ain’t so painful after all”
Hey Dolemite, longtime fan. I’ve got a problem at work. It seems that no matter how hard I try, my boss never appreciates the work I do. I double, triple, and quadruple check all of my information, I deliver unbelievably thorough data in all of my reports, and I pull all-nighters just to make sure the work is done days before deadline, and my boss still complains that the work wasn’t quite good enough, or he doesn’t acknowledge me at all. I’ve never imagined I could feel so underappreciated at a workplace. How do I deal with authority figures more effectively?
-Overworked and invisible
I was on my way to the Hi-Hat to get my dick wet. Then these three cracker-ass cops try to start shit with me. I say “What do you white, born-insecure, jock-jawed, rat-suit wearin’, no business, knock-kneed, pigeon toed, non question answering, soggy cereal eatin’ motherfuckers want with Dolemite?” They tell me my birthday suit is the wrong shade of color. I beat those bitches till they were so covered with bruises that they was blacker than me.
Then I went to one of the cop’s houses. His wife was all like “What are you doing here, you ain’t my husband!” And I told her “Bitch, there ain’t no husband here, just 26 feet of hard, goooooood dick.” I fucked her in the kitchen, I fucked her in the bed, I fucked her all night till the bitch got dead. My dick’s got a tip that’s as hot as candle, and it blasts more cum than that white bitch could handle!
Rudy, I’m desperate and I’m turning to you because I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m a single mother and my 18-year old daughter was deeply in love with her 21-year old boyfriend, but apparently they had different ideas of what the relationship was because he broke up with her two months ago. My daughter was devastated and started acting out, getting in trouble with the police for vandalism, telling me to go (f-word) myself, and smoking marijuana. I tried to tell her that she has a lot of years ahead of her and a bad relationship at the age of 18 isn’t the end of the world, but she won't listen. Now she’s joining Greenpeace to get onto a dingy in the Pacific Ocean and try to sink fishing boats. I don’t want her to get wrapped up with those environmentalist nutjobs, and I know she’s doing it all over some boy, but she’s 18. She's legally an adult and I can't force her to stay with me. I’m losing my little girl. What do I do, Dolemite?
-Losing my baby
Bitch, I’ll tell you this right now: the Pacific Ocean ain’t no thang. I fucked plenty of bitches and animals in my time, and one day I realized my dick was too big for any living creature. So I went outside, pointed my finger at the ground, and said, “Mother Earth, you gon’ get fucked by DOLEMITE, MOTHERFUCKER!” Old Faithful at Yellowstone and volcanoes in Hawaii weren’t big enough, so I got into a boat, sailed it to the middle of the Pacific Ocean, unzipped my pants, and I fucked that ocean till the water turned white from my cum. I filled that ocean up with my dick like it ain’t never been filled before. A whale jumped out of the water and said, “Dolemite, no more! It’s more dick than the marine life can handle!” So I slapped it in the mouth and shouted, “Shut the fuck up, you jive-ass whale. I’ll stick my size 12 Hush Puppies up your blowhole if you interrupt me when I’m fuckin’ again!”
Now you says your loose hippie daughter’s gone out there? Dolemite gonna have to make a return trip.
The best part about being a trucker is catching people masturbate
by Jim “Mad Dog” Shaw, professional trucker
Let me tell you this right now: ain’t nothing beats life on the open road. Sure, it ain’t for everybody. Being away from home for days on end, sleeping in the back of the cab, and havin’ to be completely alert the entire drive because you’re piloting one of the most unwieldy machines on god’s green earth is enough to scare a lot of people away from the profession.
But for me, the discomfort, pressure, and lack of a traditionally satisfying home life are worth it. I love the mystical solitude of the open road. Also, I think it’s amazing that I actually get paid to travel and see all corners of the country, and it feels great to know that my job is absolutely necessary for the prosperity of the economy. However, there’s one aspect of the job that stands head and shoulders above them all as the greatest pleasure that trucking has to offer. It gives me a sense of pride and purpose, and a true smile of joy whenever I receive a new assignment. Without a doubt the greatest aspect of being a trucker is catching people who masturbate while driving.
Us truckers have a lot of terms for people who manually pleasure themselves as they operate a motor vehicle. In Oklahoma they’re referred to as mobile panhandlers. In Denver we say they’re taming the rolling Bronco. In Florida I’ll grab my CB radio and say, “Another driver is pruning the palm tree.” If it happens in Seattle we’ll point out that a motorist is polishing the Space Needle. And if we see it in the midwest we’re more surprised that the soul-crushing monotony of that entire section of the country hasn’t completely destroyed someone’s sex drive than anything else.
The masturbators are more numerous than you’d think, and they aren’t just varied in where they come from. Most of them think to throw a jacket or something over their crotch when they pass by us, while others get so into vigorously rubbing their erogenous zones that they don’t even realize that a trucker whose cab sits 8 and a half feet above their cars can see every fucking thing that’s going on down there. Look, we know what’s going on either way. Whether you’re pulling pud with all your might with your left hand while keeping the car straight with your right, or you’re driving down the road with a windbreaker inexplicably resting on your crotch with a mysterious spike in the middle, we know the fuck’s up. Whether you try to hide it or not, someone who has been trucking for 25 years will know what you’re doing.
That’s all well and good, but figuring you out isn’t what gives me so much pleasure, it’s riding 8 and a half feet above you, looking down on you and knowing what you’re doing whether you try to hide it from me or not, and being disgusted with your sexual depravity and utter disregard for traffic safety that really makes me look forward to the next time I catch a sick fuck blowing a hot load all over the interior of his car and cleaning up the mess with Burger King napkins. Sitting high above people, knowing the sins that they try to keep hidden, and judging them makes me feel the same way God must feel when he catches one of his followers jacking it and releasing sperm that could have been used to make some perfectly good Catholic baby.
Just looking down and feeling everything that God feels is just..... well, it just feels so fucking right. By driving my truck and watching random motorists masturbate, I feel like I’m understanding my Lord and savior better than ever before. Forget church, bible study, and all of that other bullshit. Until you’ve sat high above and watched another man desperately try to clean up semen he accidentally blew onto his brand new tie, you haven’t truly understood God.
Funny games are ones that blend good writing with imaginative level design, a distinct visual style, and likable, unique, memorable characters. Funny Games is also the title of a piece of shit Austrian movie and its American remake starring Naomi Watts that is the most insulting critique of violence in the media I've ever had the displeasure of sitting through. Yeah, I'm a bad person for being entertained by violent movies. Lock me up for subconsciously taking part in murder. It's a really good argument because stylized pretend violence is totally the exact same thing as ugly real-life violence. You sure showed me, you fucking pricks.
You can begin by sucking my black ass, fuckos
Wow, it only took me one sentence to completely fly off the rails this post. Did I mention that I'm writing this blog post drunk? I didn't? Well, I apologize in advance. Anyway, games that truly succeed in being funny are few and far between. Most games wisely avoid humor for the most part because so few have done it well and when games try and fail the result is catastrophic. When every three minutes of a gaming experience is punctuated with a lame joke, an otherwise good game becomes barely tolerable and an otherwise mediocre game becomes a blistering torture session. I’ve compiled a list of some of the worst offenders in the history of gaming, but I’ll begin with some honorable mentions that just weren’t quite shitty enough to make the cut.
Honorable Mentions:
Leisure Suit Larry: Magna Cum Laude (PS2, PC)
When I was doing research for this post, I wanted to include this game because a back issue of EGM I found declared this game one of the most poorly made, unfunny games ever produced. I began some extensive research on this game (read: searched for clips on Youtube) and the first video I found was a completely hilariously graphic scene of a woman fucking a guy dressed up in a tree stump costume. (Or is he a torch? Fuck, I can't tell) If the rest of the game maintains that level of humor I'm sure it gets tiresome and grating after about 10 minutes, but I laughed my ass off way too much for it to make the final list.
Well, at least I thought it was funny
Friends: The One With All The Trivia (PS2)
Every moment spent playing this game is undoubtedly humorless misery for even the most average human, but this list is for games that promise hilarity and fail miserably, while this one delivers pretty much exactly what you would expect. If you're a person with even a sentient thought in your brain and you were disappointed to find a lack of humor in a Friends trivia game, that's really your own fucking fault. You might as well be complaining that a Teletubbies marathon on PBS didn't offer any good jerking off content.
Postal 2 (PC)
Decapitating and setting fire to random civilians, ironic in-jokes about the gaming industry, and the litany of penis and butt jokes is funny for a half hour until you realize that you can get all of the exact same shit from the newest Grand Theft Auto game and *gasp* a decent story and fun game to go along with it.
That about wraps it up for the honorable mentions. They all fail in their own special way, but as you'll soon see, they simply don't fail hard enough to belong with these video game equivalents of jokes about airplane food. These games will give you a newfound appreciation for the Steve Harvey Show and all three direct-to-DVD American Pie sequels.
5. Gex: Enter the Gecko and Gex 3: Deep Cover Gecko (PSX, N64)
These games are so similar and so equally egregious in their effort to cram "attitude" and "irreverence" down our throats that they're sharing a spot. Comedian Dana Gould (who actually is funny as a stand-up comic) voices this little bastard who takes us through a Mario 64 ripoff, making awful Austin Powers impressions and shouting the catchphrase, "It's tail time!" as often as humanly possible along the way. When the jokes aren't startlingly lame (Upon walking into a mansion Gex remarks, "This place is bigger than Drew Carey's bar tab"), they're obscure enough to alienate 99.7% of the audience (In an ice level, which, by the way, is a very innovative and unexpected choice for a 3D platformer, Gex says to no one in particular, "This place is colder than Eva Gabor's wig fridge. What?!?!?).
This is Eva Gabor. If you were about 65 years older you'd find jokes at her expense hilarious
Maybe I'm wrong and retardedly obscure references to Eva Gabor's wig fridge makes the 0.3% of the audience who gets the joke laugh so hard that it's worth confusing the shit out of everybody else. I had to look up Eva Gabor on IMDB to find out that she was on Green Acres and I still don't know what the hell a wig fridge is, but I'm reminded of a guy from my fraternity in college I would watch TV with. We were watching the Britney Spears episode of South Park and a character made an obscure offhand reference to "The Lottery," the short story by Shirley Jackson. He laughed inappropriately hard at the joke, and laughed so long and loud that he drowned out the next thirty seconds of the show, and then said, "Oh, man, that was great! Did anyone else get that?"
Based on that evidence, I think being the only person in the room who gets a joke makes you think it's about 50 times funnier than it really is. Being that one asshole who gets the joke and feels completely superior to everyone else in the room means you have to make a huge, loud show out of the fact that you and only you are well-read and brilliant enough to understand it. Maybe, just maybe, those one in 300 people who laugh until they piss themselves at Gex's joke and then say, "Eva Gabor was on Green Acres and she had some connection with wigs! Did any of you get that?" is worth the confusion of the other 299 people. Perhaps I've misjudged this type of humor and I've selfishly overlooked the tiny piece of the population that strongly appreciates it. After all, do they not deserve humor tailored to them as well? I feel horrible for marginalizing them just because they're in the minority.
Just kidding. Fuck Gex and his stupid jokes, and fuck people who make a huge deal out of understanding an obscure joke. You read something most people your age haven't, we're so proud of you. Get fucked.
4. BMX XXX (PS2, Xbox, Gamecube)
This game was originally supposed to be the next game in the semi-popular Dave Mirra BMX line of games, but it became simply BMX XXX when Mirra sued to have his name taken off the game. Look, extreme sports athletes like Dave Mirra aren't exactly bastions of anti-advertising integrity. These guys take part in official competitions with dotcoms printed on the tires of their bikes, T-Mobile plastered on the sides of their helmets, and the Slim Jim logo clearly visible on their gloves. Honestly I wouldn't be surprised if Dave Mirra took a shit and had the Monster Energy Drink logo plastered onto the turd. When that guy says that he has too much integrity to make money from this game, it should be taken as a pretty good sign that you should have quit while you were ahead and not bothered making it at all.
BMX XXX addresses the literally dozens of gamers who played a BMX game and were disappointed by the lack of footage of strippers, the ability to create topless riders wearing only panties, and poorly animated sprites of dogs humping. This game finally has those poor, friendless souls covered. On top of this "edgy," "hilarious," and "controversial" material, there are also wacky jokes involving a street vendor shouting, "Hot, salty nuts!" and a firefighter holding a flaccid fire hose asking for your help because he can't "get it up."
Pictured: Hilarity
What offends me the most about this game isn't the boobs, the penile connotations, or the graphic animal boning, it's the fact that this game gained the description of "controversial" from most media outlets that cared to mention this game. Calling juvenile sexual references and naked boobs controversial is an insult to real controversy. Martin Scorsese's The Last Temptation of Christ drew protests for its brave decision to portray Jesus as a human, potentially corruptible figure. Spike Lee's Do the Right Thing was controversial for its morally ambiguous portrayal of racially induced violence that refuses to praise nor condemn rioters. The film Kinsey angered Christian moviegoers and sparked controversy for its refusal to demonize a man who has been instrumental in the growing belief that sexual orientation is genetic and not a choice. Using the same word to describe objection to animated boobs and childish dick jokes as you would to describe objection to these movies is an insult to the word. Let's just call it a lazy attempt to sell copies of a crappy BMX game and move on.
One of these things is thought provoking and actually deserves to bear the label of "controversial". Can you guess which one?
3. Boogerman (Genesis, SNES)
I don't think I need to waste space telling you why Boogerman fails so horribly. It's a game about a superhero who fights enemies by pulling boogers out of his nose and throwing them at enemies, and he also farts on them. If you thought that maybe the game was actually good and the fart and snot jokes were just added as icing on the cake, the fact that there is a button whose only function is to make your hero smile, point his finger in the air and shout, "Booger!" should make it pretty clear that this game was invented as an excuse to provide jokes that make Cheaper by the Dozen look intellectual by comparison. Add in such hilarious character names as "Dr. Stinkbaum" and a game world called "Dimension X-crement" and you have all the evidence you need to understand why Boogerman 3D: Return to Indian-Crap-olis isn't currently in the works for the Playstation 3.
2. Earthworm Jim 2 (PSX, SNES, Genesis, SAT, GBA)
Back in 1995 when this game came out you might have heard a lot of adjectives to describe this game, such as "hilarious," "wacky," and "imaginative." Those people are fucking morons. I played through Earthworm Jim 2 and beat it right before writing this post, and each new gimmick that I was supposed to be finding imaginatively hilarious only succeeded in pissing me off more and more.
Here are some of the delightful jokes and situations you'll find in this game: 1. You fight musket-wielding octopi and launch pigs out of a catapult-like device 2. You ride a chair on a conveyor belt while grandmothers fall out of the sky and try to land in your lap 3. An evil humanoid crow throws puppies toward the ground and you have to rescue them by bouncing them on a large marshmallow to safety. 4. Traverse the inside of intestines disguised as a blind cave salamander while avoiding exploding sheep 5. Fight murderous penguins with super powers and floating possessed cow udders while traversing a planet filled with enormous bathtubs and cows that grow out of flowers.
That's not fucking funny. That isn't inspired hilarity, that's taking a random bunch of nouns, eating them, then barfing them out. It takes the randomness of a Family Guy joke and eliminates the references to celebrities, pop culture, and news events that make them funny. It sounds like the process for coming up with a level in an Earthworm Jim game is roughly the same as coming up with Beck lyrics. Acutally, that gives me an idea! I'll bet you could turn Beck lyrics into a level that sounds like it could completely belong in an Earthworm Jim game.
Lyrics from "Loser" by Beck: With the plastic eyeballs, spray paint the vegetables Dog food stalls with the beefcake pantyhose
Idea for a level in the (not really) upcoming Earthworm Jim 3: Jim must go to Dr. Dogfood's garden and spraypaint all of his vegetables in order to make it out alive. He can only find the spray paint in specific bathroom stalls. Uh oh, watch out Jim! Eyeballs made of plastic are going to be floating around and trying to whip you to death with pantyhose made of beefcake the whole time!
Tell me that doesn't sound exactly like a hilariously imaginative Earthworm Jim level. And that was the result of literally 30 seconds of brainstorming. Fuck writing, I should join up with Beck so we can make games together.
This man may have moonlit as a video game designer in the 1990's
1. The Guy Game (PS2, Xbox, PC)
In this game you answer extremely easy multiple choice trivia questions, and then watch a video of that same question being asked to a dumb drunk slut on spring break by a completely hilarious host who's the "king" of getting girls on spring break to go wild and guess if she'll get it right or wrong. If you look at the picture above you'll see that the hilarious host looks exactly like an insomniac monkey, and what ungodly hot young woman wouldn't get naked at his request? After each round you're given a meter showing how well you do. If the meter fills all the way, you get to see actual real-life boobs! Oh, and did I mention that the meter is shaped like and squirts like a penis? I didn't? Well shit, it totally happens and it's totally clownin'.
I could write for hours and hours about how this is a bigger waste of time than any Girls Gone Wild video and how playing the game and earning a chance to see a girl flash her boobs is pointless when Google is all you need to see actual boobs almost instantly (my Google search for “boobs” found 59,600,000 results in 0.09 seconds), but this post is about how the game isn't funny, so I'll tell you all you need to know: any comedian with the talent and potential to have a good career would keep his ass far, far away from a video game about seeing boobs. Not even talented comedians forced to play bit parts in Dane Cook vehicles would want the offer to star in this game. No, the funniest thing about this game is that the people who made it were sued by one of the girls featured because she was only 17 at the time of taping. When the funniest thing about a game is that it invited masturbation to underage girls, you know to stay away.
If the Jay Leno show is any indication, pedophilia is hilarious, but only when this man does it
With McDonalds restaurants facing declining employment, the restaurant chain turned to Hollywood agents to lure workers back.
(Steve, a unemployed teenager, sits at a table. Door bursts open and Mort and Josh, two agents, charge in like a pair of Jewish hurricanes.)
Mort: What’s up, Mort Weinstein here.
Josh: Josh Goldberg, glad to meet you. What’s your name?
Steve: Uh, I’m Steve
Josh: Steve, that’s a hell of a handshake you got there. Squeeze a little bit harder and you could crush my hand into a fucking diamond
Steve: Uh, thanks
Mort: Steve, we’re gonna be up front with you here. We’re not gonna jerk you around. If we wanted to jerk you around we’d get a job at the Korean massage parlor
(Mort and Josh begin to laugh. Steve looks initially confused and then starts to laugh with them. Mort and Josh laugh hard while Steve laughs softly. Steve begins to laugh as hard as they are, and Mort and Josh immediately stop.)
Josh: Shut the fuck up. Here’s the deal: we want you working here. We want to sign you right now, because you are big. You’re bigger than King Kong
Mort: You’re bigger than Godzilla
Josh: No, scratch that. You’re bigger than the bullies that beat up Godzilla and took his lunch money at Japanese Movie Monster Junior High
Mort: You’re so big you could level the entire Hello Kitty factory with one fell swoop of your enormous, reptilian dick
Josh: Mothra and Gamera are scared shitless by the mere thought of you
Steve: I could work here, but I was thinking about Burger King or Taco Bell
Mort: What the fuck are you talking about, Steve? You’re our guy. Are you telling me that you’re not our guy?
Josh: I told every paper in the town that you’re our guy. Are you gonna make me call all of them back and tell them you aren’t? I’m gonna look like the biggest asshole in the biz, Steve.
Mort: The editors are going to bend Josh over and jam a hot metal rod into his ass
Josh: Can't say that would feel very good, Steve
Mort: You could be the face of this restaurant. People will bite into a Bic Mac and know that Steve made it. Could you see the big neon sign? It would say “McDonalds: Home of the Steveburger”
Steve: They would make a sign just for me?
Josh: Fuck no
Steve: But you just said...
Josh: Uh, what I mean is, uh..... you’re so much of a success that you don’t need a sign. Yeah, that's right. You’re gonna be so successful here, I wanna get just a little bit of your success on my hand. (Wipes his hand across Steve’s cheek, then smells his hand) That is the heavenly smell of success. Mort, get a whiff of this heavenly scent.
Mort: Josh, you hand smells so heavenly and wonderful. It smells like you just fingerbanged an angel. Did you manually pleasure one of the guardians of the Lord’s covenant and didn’t tell me?
Josh: You see, Steve? You’re so great, Mort confused your smell with the vaginal secretions of one of god’s soldiers.
Steve: Mr. Goldberg, I’m finding your comments to be offensive
Mort: Offensive? You’re telling me that the smell of the nether regions of one of our Lord in heaven’s servants wouldn’t be the most wonderful smells conceivable by man? Now I’m the one who’s offended.
Steve: Whatever. What would I make if I worked here?
Josh: Steve, we’ve got to fucking strike while the iron’s hot here. You sign today, we’re prepared to give you three, four, five...
Mort: Five seventy-five
Josh: Five dollars and seventy five cents an hour, bro. And that’s just one hour. You work a bunch of hours and you’re making that fat cash over and over again. Money in the fucking bank. Mort, how much would Steve make for a twelve, fourteen, or sixteen hour shift?
Mort: I’m just an agent. If I wanted to learn to calculate numbers that high I would have worked for NASA
Josh: Truth is, you’re making more money in an hour than a Honduran child makes in a week. Call a real estate agent, because you just took up residence on Easy Street. They call them the Golden Arches for a reason. They're not the fucking Pyrite Arches, bitch.
Steve: Well are there any health benefits?
(Mort and Josh start laughing hysterically. Steve isn’t laughing. The agents stop laughing abruptly and then start again. Steve still isn’t laughing. The agents stop.)
Mort: We thought you were making a joke. Didn't you hear us laughing? We were laughing because we were pretty sure you just entertained us with a comment of jest.
Josh: Health benefits? Why the fuck should a workplace have that?
Mort: Steve, you are a superstar. You are immortal. People like you are invincible
Josh: Does Highlander ask for health benefits?
Mort: McDonalds is already prepared to give you five seventy five with every passing sixty minutes. What else do you want? Do you want a free car too? Do you want Ronald McDonald to come over to your house and wash you bathroom, feed your dog, and suck your dick while you're at it?
Josh: Having your dick stained with clown makeup would be pretty hard to explain to the ladyfriend, don't you think?
Steve: What if I get hurt when I work here?
Josh: What if you get hurt by a tornado. You want to sue God for damages? What if you're burned horribly when your car explodes due to a faulty engine? Are you going to sue the people who made the car for that? Be fucking reasonable, Steve. I thought I was dealing with a thinker, not a chimpanzee with Aserperger's Syndrome.
Steve: I guess that’s a good point. Well, do I get a free McChicken sandwich when I work?
It's the exact same as The Onion's Point-Counterpoint pieces, but I don't think they really invented the concept in the first place, so let's go. Today we will be discussing the alleged evils of used video game retailing juggernaut Gamestop. Is it an evil, soul-sucking corporation that deserves to die, or are the Gamestop hating nerds just biting the hand that feeds them?
Point: A Few Responses to Common Criticisms of Gamestop
by Dick Fontaine, CEO of Gamestop
Again and again, I see the intense and vitrolic criticism thrown at the Gamestop corporation, and again and again I find the claims to be completely overblown or unfounded. For one thing there's the charge that we're killing the gaming industry by reselling used games when the profits aren't going to the game developers. Look, a majority of the used games we sell are old and can't be found at major retailers anyway. There isn't really anywhere you can go to buy a brand new copy of 2003's Panzer Dragoon Orta for the Xbox. We're providing a valuable service to gamers who may have missed some of the great games of days gone by, and we're introducing the creative vision of the game developers to more people than ever before.
Honestly, it'll most likely help their sales in the longrun. When somebody buys the overlooked classic Beyond Good and Evil from us for 8 dollars, and they play and love the game, they become much more likely to buy the upcoming Beyond Good and Evil 2. Furthermore, it's not like we're the only people on earth to resell used media. If we're evil for our practices, how come these same critics let Ebay, FYE, Movie Gallery, Hollywood Video, Blockbuster Video, all kinds of independent businesses, and children letting each other borrow games off the hook for doing the exact same thing?
Also, I don't understand why some people hate us so much for our exchange rates for used games. Yes, it's true that you won't get as much money for trading games to us as you would on Ebay. That's fine, go sell your games on Ebay then. Start an auction for every single game you intend to get rid of. Write up a description for an auction, upload a picture, interact with the customer, and ship it to the customer for every single game just so you can make a buck and a half more for each game. I'm not stopping you. I like to think of the lower trade-in rate as a cost for the convenience we provide. Then some people criticize us for offering more store credit and incentives to get you to trade in to us. Well fucking duh, we're a business, encouraging you to use our products and services is kind of what we do.
Even if we offer you only a dime for a game, what's the problem? Yes you paid 50 dollars when you first got it four years ago, but you've already played it all the way through and gotten your money's worth. You should be thankful you're getting anything at all. You've played the game for 30 hours and have enjoyed it thoroughly to the point that you no longer have any interest in ever playing it again. Video games and movies are the only products on earth where you can get any money at all for what is basically your garbage, and you still want more? Why do people feel entitled to getting tons of free money for their trash? I mean, what's next? Are they going to get angry that they can't trade their bodily waste to McDonalds? (Laughs)
Counter-Point: What you do mean I can't trade in my piss and shit for store credit?
by Steve Carson, founder of FuckGamestopInTheAss.com
Hey you in the blue shirt and black hat! Yeah you, don't fucking act like you can't hear me. I've got a jug full of my own urine and this cardboard box is completely full of my shit. I've been collecting it for the past two weeks, and I want to trade it in for a Ranch BLT meal. And you'd better make that a large. Don't tell me I'm violating about 28 different health codes, I don't need to hear that nonsense. I eat nothing but McDonalds when I play my Xbox 360. This is all your food in here, so scan it and tell me how much goddamn store credit I have.
Don't get your manager, deal with me! Oh hello, Mr. Manager. So great to see you. Here's the deal: I've got two weeks worth of my human excrement from eating your food, and I want to trade it in. Don't fucking tell me you're calling the police. It's a biological fact that the human body only uses like 10% of the nutrients in food. You've still got almost all of the protein and trans fat and stuff right here in the box. How much are you going to give me for it? Put the phone down. I can fucking hear you. Great, you're telling the cops I'm a crazy man. Talking shit about a loyal customer. That's really fucking classy.
Hey, hey, what are you doing? Put those cuffs away! Aw! Shit! Ouch, that hurts! I won't take this! I paid for McDonalds and I'm entitled to get paid back for it! Don't you pigs know who I am? I founded FuckGamestopInTheAss.com! I believe I'm entitled to get everything for free! No, don't throw me in the back of the squad car, I'm claustrophobic! I bought one video game for $50 back in 2001, and it's my belief that I should be able to trade it in infinitely and never pay for a video game ever again! ALL OF YOU GREEDY AND UNREASONABLE CORPORATE BASTARDS ARE GONNA PAY!!!!
...also, when you let me out could I get my box of shit back? I want to see if Burger King will trade.
I received a text message at 4:40 in the morning today from a guy who freelance employs me sometimes reminding me to go vote. I can't do it because I'm registered to vote in a county that's five miles away from where I live now and I never got that taken care of, and I definitely wouldn't have voted anyway even if I was registered in the right place, but it still got me thinking. This is a great nation where we have the power to choose who holds all of the most important government positions. Okay, we only have two choices and if neither of them are close to what you want out of a president you're shit out of luck, and various hugely important positions like vice president, the entire cabinet, and the Supreme Court justices are appointed with no goddamn say from the people, but still.
Nevermind all of that, what's important is that you have the ability to vote and you should use it no matter what. Even if you have absolutely no idea of what any of the candidates stand for in any of the elections on a local, state, or federal level, goddamn vote for something anyway. If you're a legally insane conspiracy theorist and you vote by taking the sixth letter of every candidate's name and picking the ones that spell a secret message from Vince Foster's ghost, go do it. If you believe the Holocaust didn't happen, or you believe it did happen and you want to get the job done, get out there and rock the vote. If you're bringing a Ouija game piece into the booth and voting that way, go do it. If you have an IQ of 53 and you deliberately vote against a smart person who actually understands the candidates and paid attention to what's going on just so your retard vote, which counts the same as a legitimately thoughtful vote, can cancel his out, go get on it, Forrest.
And that's when I realized that people have all kinds of abilities aside from voting that they should use just for the sake of using it, even if you're completely unfit to do it. I, the Gentile Golem, sketch comedian, crybaby blogger, alcoholic, and exercise bike master, need to launch a series of campaigns to get people to realize that they can't let what they've got go to waste. Pay close attention, I'm going to change the world today.
Campaign #1: Punch Shit
God-fucking-dammit!! Listen to me, you unappreciative little shitfucker! God gave you the ability to ball your hand up into a fist, and it's about time you FUCKING USED IT!! I don't care if it's a brick wall, a porcupine, a woman's face, a child's penis, one of those long spike things used to stab a big stack of papers, a porcelain lamp, a glass of milk, a boxing opponent, a Scrabble opponent, or just a good old fashioned apple. FUCKING PUNCH SOMETHING HARD!! There are people with no hands in Algeria who wish they could be Americans with hands who can punch shit whenever they want, so GET OUT THERE AND BREAK THE SMALL BONES IN YOUR HAND ON SOMEBODY'S FACE, YOU UNAPPRECIATIVE LITTLE DOGFUCKING SEMEN CRUNCHER!!!
Campaign #2: First Amendment Rights
What the fuck is the matter with you? You live in America, a nation with a little thing you might have heard of called the first amendment, and you're going to just let that go to waste? You can speak your mind without going to jail, and there are even websites like Blogspot where you can get a blog and say whatever the fuck you want for free, SO GET WITH THE MOTHERFUCKING PROGRAM!!! It's high time you told everyone every sickening detail about your horrifying, disgustingly enlarged thyroid gland. Don't hog all of the goiter for yourself!
Campaign #3: Personal Freedom
I'll let that one speak for itself. God bless America, and stay the fuck away from the voting booths if you're a moron. Please.
IT'S A LAME-ASSED COMEDY BLOG POST, BUT THERE'S STILL SOME SHIELD SPOILERS. SKIP THIS IF YOU'VE NEVER SEEN THE SHOW AND PLAN ON STARTING. OR SKIP IT IF YOU HAVE SEEN THE SHOW ANYWAY BECAUSE IT ISN'T VERY FUNNY.
